I just wanted you all to know that I have resisted as long as possible. I gave it a valiant effort. I fought the good fight. I waged a battle, but lost the war. That’s right, dear internet, I’m giving up the ghost. Kicking the cat. (All other analogies have just fled my mind, presumably in order to protect your sensitive eyes.)

I am turning on shudder, word verification. I tried my best to resist, but in the end, it was just too much. Those anonymous bastards are just too insidious. So far I have been offered scholarships, loans, mortgages and degrees on line. My personal favorite though, was from a dear guy named Yurity who offered to tell me the location of free porn on line. How thoughtful. And let’s face it, it’s been a lonely week; if I thought I could blog and personally massage myself without somehow harming myself or my precious computer, I probably would. However, seeing how I forgot to stand in line when they were passing out the coordination and ambidextrous talents when I was little, I had to pass on his charitable offer.

So don’t hate me because I am asking you all to type and then retype the freaky little letters Blogger puts forth to protect us bloggy folk from unwanted spammers like Yurity. I’m doing it for you too. Because if any more of those dastardly porn offers float my way, there is no telling who is going to get hurt. Me – or my husband. Who will want to know why his wife suddenly finds blogging so stimulating.

Guess what I did yesterday? No, it wasn’t blog, read my favorite blogs or even go near my precious computer. It wasn’t bonding with my children, shopping for clothes or even cleaning my house. No, instead, picture me going to open up my deep freeze to pull out a package of grade A Alberta beef for supper later that night, only to realize, hmm, that’s a funny smell. And what is that, is that, oh no, it is, a pool of blood at the bottom of my freezer. Oh oh. That’s right, dear internet. My deep freeze was in the deep thaw. And I was in deep shit.

After slamming the lid down, like any good wife would do, I started yelling for my hubs. After all, I wasn’t going wading in a puddle of melted blood, animal carcasses and bags of unfrozen vegetables and fruit without him. It smelled like the interior of a butcher shop and looked like someone had been massacred inside my freezer. Call me crazy, but this is one of those events that definitely falls into the category “For better of for worse.” After dragging his sorry butt from bed, he then proceeded to not only pick the underwear from his ass, but tell me, and I quote: “It’s a puzzle.” No shit Sherlock, but who the hell is going to clean the fvcking puzzle up, because it certainly wasn’t going to be me.

Turns out, it was me. Surprise! After my husband deduced the freezer wasn’t broken, merely unplugged, he figured out it must have been the guys who cleaned my furnace and my ducts. Four days ago. While getting my ducts cleaned sounds kinky, (and the guy did have the most beautiful blue eyes) just thinking of the surprise he left for me takes the fun out of the kink. Bastard.

But no one can say he didn’t screw me over. And let’s face it, for a Monday, it was the most action anyone in this house got.

Update: The furnace dude, with the pretty blue eyes, came back and handed a fairly large check over to me, to cover the costs of replacing the spoilage. My rat bastard husband, however, never lifted a finger to help me clean out the deep freeze. I am currently plotting my revenge. But until I come up with a satisfactorily devious plan, you can bet your sweet bucks that he is not getting any!

Good morning blogosphere. After my hair-raising week, (sorry Lance, I couldn’t resist) I believe a real groaner is needed. With out any further ado, enjoy!

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly, she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. “Oh my, I am so sorry,” the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. “Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, ” she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible!!!

“You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?”

“No,” she replied, “You just happened to catch my eye.”