It is a big day in my neck of the woods. Today is the day history could be made. I admit, I know nothing about hockey and only care due to my husband’s tender foot ministrations. But how could I not get excited when one of the greatest sport stories is about to unfold before our very eyes? A heroes’ tales born from bleak adversity? After the tragedy of Roloson’s crushing break in Game 1 and the team shoving their heads up their arses in Game 2, is not the final prize all the more sweet? I thank God for delivering to us, all Oiler fans and hockey fans together, the makings of real valour, shining in possibility, a glory forever unwon in the world where the Oilers swept or near-swept the series? Tonight, the Oil take on the Hurricanes one final time. It is a monumental moment. GO OILERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh dear, I just read what I wrote, and I would like to know who snatched my personality and replaced it with that of an emotionally invested sports freak?? I blame this on the hubs. If he were home instead of at the peelers work, I wouldn’t be sucked into watching our national pastime. No, instead, I would be enjoying my foot massage and whining that he loves Craig MacTavish more than he loves me.

Tonight is such a big deal that little league sports have been cancelled in the area. Instead of watching the rugrats chase a ball around the field or stand and pull their jersey’s over their heads, parents have opted not to shove their kids out of any moving vehicles, and squeal their tires while they burn rubber to the nearest telly. There would have been a sea of unattended youngsters running loose on the field, with nary an adult in sight.

Probably safer just to cancel all soccer games tonight.

After having a lovely father’s day conversation with the hubs last night, I enquired where he planned on watching the big game. He casually let it slip that he will be going to Nick’s because every time he goes to Nash’s the Oilers take a beating. I asked who Nick and Nash were and he responded by telling me that Nick and Nash are places not people. Apparently, Nick’s is a sports bar with crappy wings and watered-down beer, while Nash’s is a tacky little watering hole that specializes in bringing in small town strippers during the games intermissions. Like the dumbass he is, he thought to give Nash’s a try first.

He said the beer was great, the screen was huge and you couldn’t beat the wings. Then he casually replied that the titties gave him nightmares and perhaps I should come down there, because I could make great money.

WTF?? Did my darling husband just suggest that I peel off my clothes for a bunch of horny losers to toss coins at me while they eagerly await the return of the game?

Yes, dear internet, he did. He claims he was jesting, and it is a compliment.

I claim he just killed any chances of getting lucky upon his return and he might as well go to Nash’s tonight. They might be the only titties he gets to see for a while.

Happy Father’s Day dear internet!

Since the hubs is out of town, working his nicely-shaped tuckus off, it is just me and the kids. We are off to go break bread with Grampa and celebrate our redneck ways.

Before I go, I have some fine cheese to pass along. Enjoy, and don’t forget, like Cheez-Whiz, it likes to be spread!

A lady was filling her tank at a gas station, smoking a cigarette, even though all the signs say not to. The fumes that came out of the gas tank ignited, severely burning her hands. But it also lit up her arm, too! Instead of rolling on the ground to put it out, she panicked. She took off running down the street.

A police car was at the intersection where it happened and he tried to stop her to put out her arm, but she just kept running and screaming. All the officer could think of doing was to shoot her. This took everyone by surprise. The officer ran over to her and put the fire out, then called for an ambulance.

When questioned about his course of action to stop her, the officer said, “My only thought was to stop her. After all, she was waving a fire-arm.”

***I never said I was fond of Cheez-Whiz!***

When I grew up I didn’t want to be a doctor. Or a lawyer. Or a teacher. No, no, when I was growing up, I had the dream of becoming the internet’s greatest porn momma in the whole world. People would rush to their computers and eagerly type in Redneck mommy and then sigh with relieved ecstasy at the sight of my naked body glowing blue on their screen.

No, wait, that was last night’s dream.

Because I am a sucker for a pretty please, and because I wanted to put my ass out there for public ridicule, I present to you my newly inked backside.

So please, for the sake of my very fragile ego, please overlook the stretch marks and dimples. Because in my mind I am flawless. Please pretend you don’t see the strip of skin that accidentally got tanned while I was bent over in the garden. Focus on the tattoo, and ignore my hairy ass.

And Boo, just know that I love you. Because if you were home with me, instead of making kissy eyes with your small town hoes, I never would have had to post my arse on the net for the world to ridicule.

****P.S. If any of you have any suggestions about how to remove the tape marks on my back with out taking a layer of dermis off, I’d really love to hear them.****