The hubs and I are having a disagreement. It’s an argument as old as time itself. For the duration of our marriage we have been having this same argument. (Sad, really, you’d think we would have either resolved it or moved on. Nope, not us. We are nothing if not tenacious.)
So I am asking all four of my regular readers, and all you invisible folks to delurk and weigh in. So that after 13 damn years I can put this miserable argument to rest once and for all.
Is it possible for a man and a woman to have a close friendship and not be or become sexually interested in one another. Or is it more of a When Harry Met Sally type of thing? Is it inappropriate for a married person to have a friendship with an unmarried member of the opposite sex?
What do you think? Enlighten us rednecks. Bring peace to my home.
If nothing else, lie for me. Give me what I need to do my happy Boo-Yah! dance for my hubs. Strike that. Tell me what you really think, even if it means him gloating and acting like the ass he can be, loudly proclaiming victory.
But for the love of all married folk, help us.
Because if I have to have this argument for another 13 years, I might just have to stick a fork in my eye.
Shana
I am delurking…and I have to say I agree with “Abandoned in Pasadena” Women can, but men can’t. At least not my hubby…lol!!!
~Shana W.
CharmingDriver
I definately think it’s possible, for men and women. I mean, it’s funny to say that men want to nail anything that presents the opportunity but I do think most men move beyond that (mostly) by their mid-20s and even before then most aren’t ruled absolutely by their nether regions.
I think though that if a friendship, even if it’s on the up-and-up and nary an untoward word has ever been exchanged, makes your partner uncomfortable a decision has to be made to either accomodate your mate or hang on to the friendship (sometimes done out of a sense of, ”but I wasn’t doing anything wrong!!”) out of spite or disregard for your partner.
I’m not advocating letting a jealous or possesive spouse dictate all the friendships of their mate but nine times out of ten when a man or woman feels threatened or not quite right with a person spending time with their partner, there is good reason.
Jo
Delurking. A number of people are strict believers in the When Harry Met Sally/Ladder Theories, and while I think that there’s probably truth in the statement that if you’re visiting a guy friend, and you decide to walk out into his living room completely nude and offer him sex, he’s not going to object on the basis that it could potentially harm a friendship, I don’t think it’s ALWAYS the case.
I have a number of unmarried guy friends, and my fiance is completely comfortable with it. My best friend growing up was male, and had he not passed away from cancer 2 years ago, he’d probably STILL be my best friend. And perhaps even our guy friends really are thinking in completely different terms than we are…perhaps there is attraction and maybe even desire…but honestly, if they know boundaries and respect, and value the friendship enough to stick to that, I think that the friendship is perfectly acceptable.
ECR
To this day, my husband denies that he said it, but I remember the conversation perfectly and it went like this: “if a guy works with a girl and they go out to lunch together every day, it’s inevitable that they hook up.”
He didn’t realize at the time that those words would come back to bite him for the rest of his life.
Mrs. Chicken
Mr. Chicken’s friends are ALL women. Many of them are very attractive and younger – and single. The fact of the matter is that most teachers are young single women in the district in which he taught. It took me a long time to get over the pangs of jealousy. But I trust Mr. Chicken and “the girls” as we call them, are close to me and the baby, as well. They were at my dad’s wake and they cooked my whole family a meal during the week of the funeral. They also came to the Poo’s Christening.
So the answer is yes – if the circumstances are right and the spouse is part of the relationship.
Crunchy Carpets
My dh has female friends and they are just that…friends through common interests.
We all hang out now..but he used to hang with her and talk on the phone with her…didn’t bother me.
Now I HAVE met the type of women who profess ‘friendship’ with men and it is fairly obvious their ulterior motives.
Jojo
Wow, You are now exactly no farther ahead than you were 10 years ago!! My vote… yes BUT at least one will probably have ulterior motives. Could be the male or the female. It doesn’t mean they will act on it, just an innocent crush.
Gette
I’m on the side of “possible.” Had several. Also had the kind where I found out the guy was “interested” but never acted on it. Also never ruined the friendship. These all petered out over time or distance, no hard feelings. If one or the other is married, just remember the cardinal rule to never do or say anything you wouldn’t in your spouse’s presense. (Shouldn’t do that with same sex friends either) Your spouse should be your helpmeet and confidant. If you feel the need to complain about your spouse to a third party, it should be a neutral third party and done in the spouse’s presense. Wow, I’m off on a tangent here…
My float
It depends. Which side are you on?
Anonymous
Absolutely possible.
But it all boils down to this….
Can the partner handle it?
If not, forgetaboudit. You are, as they say down here ‘up shit creek in a barbwire canoe’.
Hope that gets you your booyah.
Kristen
I don’t think it’s possible for a man and a woman to be just friends without something ever having happened, or something ever happening (or just one of them secretly wanting something to happen).
I also DO think it’s inappropriate for a man or woman to have opposite sex friends outside of mutual friends, say- his best friend is your friend…but I don’t think it’s appropriate for a woman (or a man) to just pick up the phone and call a member of the opposite sex just to say hey, whats up wanna go shopping (unless it’s the woman calling her gay best friend of course). I think it’s risky, and crossing a line. Just my opinion though.
Bina
I’m late, but hey, I still have an opinion. I agree with many of your other comments. A woman can have a male friend and never entertain the thought of sex, while a man has a female friends and probably always wonders what sex would be like. That’s just how men are, and this is coming not only from my, but my brother and husband, guy friends from work, etc.