The hubs and I are having a disagreement. It’s an argument as old as time itself. For the duration of our marriage we have been having this same argument. (Sad, really, you’d think we would have either resolved it or moved on. Nope, not us. We are nothing if not tenacious.)
So I am asking all four of my regular readers, and all you invisible folks to delurk and weigh in. So that after 13 damn years I can put this miserable argument to rest once and for all.
Is it possible for a man and a woman to have a close friendship and not be or become sexually interested in one another. Or is it more of a When Harry Met Sally type of thing? Is it inappropriate for a married person to have a friendship with an unmarried member of the opposite sex?
What do you think? Enlighten us rednecks. Bring peace to my home.
If nothing else, lie for me. Give me what I need to do my happy Boo-Yah! dance for my hubs. Strike that. Tell me what you really think, even if it means him gloating and acting like the ass he can be, loudly proclaiming victory.
But for the love of all married folk, help us.
Because if I have to have this argument for another 13 years, I might just have to stick a fork in my eye.
Thumper
I have had one particular male friend for over 30 years; we’re close, we can talk about anything, but friends is all it ever was and all it’s ever going to be.
I think it would only be inappropriate if we excluded our spouses (or just mine, before the friend got married…) or hid anything from them. Now that he is married, I probably talk to his wife more than him (’cause, well, she’s funny as hell), but we’ll always be very, very good friends.
mamatulip
Totally possible. One of my closest friends is a guy, and Dave has quite a few female friends.
Bethany
Possible. I have guy friends with no sex, hell no chance of sex. My husband also has women friends. He knows if he takes the lovin’ outside the marriage that he had better take his dirty laundry and farting with him, cause he won’t be comin’ back!
bubandpie
I’m with Harry on this one. I won’t say impossible, because clearly that can be disproved, but I do think it’s risky. As long as the marriage is strong and healthy, sure, no problem – but no marriage ever is strong and healthy all the time, and when there are cracks, a harmless friendship can turn into the wedge that drives things apart.
Old MD Girl
Honestly, I think men only become “friends” with women they want to sleep with. The woman may or may not be aware of this, so she may think that they are actually friends. Note: there is nothing really wrong with this, as many men want to sleep with any/everything in a skirt. In theory at least.
For this reason, men and women can only be “friends” if and only if the following conditions are met:
1. The man finds the woman attractive and wants to sleep with her.
2. The woman is married/taken/a lesbian
or
3. The man has some major defect that makes him a non-sex candidate from the woman’s perspective.
It’s no accident then, that men tend to think that men and women can’t be friends, and women think they can.
J.
Chicklet, I’d love to take your side. But you didn’t tell me it. So now you’re forcing me to be honest. I hate that shit.
It’s possible for a WOMAN to have a friendship with the opposite sex. But I’m sorry, no matter how much the MAN in the friendship says otherwise, in some dark recess of his mind, he wants in your panties.
It’s happened to me three times now. One was a friendship of SIX YEARS. And then he confessed. Said he loved me. I felt like a shit, and on some other level, I also felt very betrayed.
Soooo … NO. Or, to give you some fighting power … maybe 2% can actually be ‘just friends’.
craziequeen
My best mate is Aginoth, and my other closest pal is cyberkitten – both male.
Aginoth is like a brother to me, cyberkitten is like an extension of myself – I adore them both but I find neither sexually attractive……
such British common sense!
cq
J.
I just remembered an old Chris Rock skit on this subject. I have to find it and send it to you. You’ll laugh your arse off.
Anonymous
Ok I’m delurking
Possible….yes.
Probable….no.
I also have the sexist thought that it is more likely for a married woman to be able to have a male friend than it is for a married man to have a female friend…..
men are pigs, that’s all there is to it.
toyfoto
I think the members of the opposite sex CAN be friends, but only under certain conditions:
A. One of said friends is gay/lesbian.
OR
B. One or both are physically unattractive to each other. (This is sad, but it’s an extension of the he’s “Just a Friend” situation in high school). As long as ONE person would never in a million years touch the other in that way, you’re good.
While I definitely think they are possible, I also think male/female platonic relationships are rare because jealousy may get in the way. Even if that jealousy is unfounded it’s just easier not to “go there” if its the person you love who is uncomfortable.
Mrs. Chicky
Yes, possible. Hard to pull off, but possible. It’s easier if one of the parties involved is gay but if both are hetero it’s a delicate balance that can be achieved if there is little attraction between the man and woman.
If you find the other person to be very attractive, however, that will eventually get in the way. Not that I know that from experience or anything.
Wendy
I say, NO.
Junebugg
I have several male friends who have been around for over 25 years and we’re just friends. They’re like my adopted brothers. So the answer is yes, they can. Of course not every man or every woman can do this. Too many of them (male and female both) think with their gonads instead of their hearts. The ones who remain true friends are special and should be appreciated as such
Above Average Joe
I had a female friend for almost 10 years. Fun to have a few beers with but that’s it. Mrs. Joe was friendly with her & led me to believe she was o.k. with it. The relationship has now drifted apart. (Kids have a tendency to do that.) I get the feeling my wife isn’t too upset that we dont go out anymore though.
Softball Slut
Wow on the fence about this one. I think most of the guys that I have been good friends with have sexual undertones. Or at one time, we were more than friends, but are just friends now. Wow. I would say prolly not unless the friend was gay. Just cause you know they most likely wont be hitting on your significant other.
kimmyk
I think girls and guys can be friends without being sexual. But I think one might have an underlying motive. Most of my friends are guys and I wouldn’t want to sleep with any of them.
But you know they all wanna get with my hotness.
HAHA, I’m kiddin. I’m sure they’d rather cut their winkers off than put it near me. We’re all like siblings. Gross.
Lillithmother
Yes it’s possible…I’ve had several male friends, some I was attracted to sexually (I’ll admit it)but never acted upon because I valued the friendship way too much.
This is an age old argument…and I think it depends on the individual. And honesty…tons of honesty…
stefanierj
Daddymatic and I say “Yes, but it’s difficult. It can get weird.”
We have compiled a list of activities one could do with a opposite-sex friend in order of increasing weirdness (top of the list=less weird, bottom of the list=most weird):
Lunch
Coffee
Breakfast
Dinner
Movie
Two-person luge
Camping
Showering
These are all conditional on the vibe that one spouse gets from another. There are probably guys I know that I could hang out with a lot, and DM wouldn’t think a thing. I’d probably be cool with many of his female friends doing all but the last two.
It’s also conditional on how many friends of the same sex that person has. DM just doesn’t have a ton of male friends, and that makes a diff, too.
Can’t wait to hear the follow-up…
Abandoned in Pasadena
Women can have a friendship with the opposite sex, but men cannot.
G
I think it is possible to have a friend of the opposite sex without wanting to be involved with them sexually. I think its more possible for a female to have a male bestfriend then it is for a male to have a female friend.