We don’t do halloween in a traditional sense at my house. Because of Bug’s battle we gave up begging for candy from strangers years ago. Instead of growing snotsicles while ensuring my children’s safety as they bang on peoples doors and demand a treat; I spend a week’s worth of pay and and buy out the store’s supply of sugar coated kiddy crack. While the candy wrappers fly, eyes are generally glued on the boob tube, watching a completely inappropriate movie carefully and thoughfully chosen by their mother to scare the living bejeepers out of them in the dark hours of the night.

If I can’t rob them of their candy, may as well steal their innocence and restful nights, no?

So we turned off all the lights, locked all the doors, lit a few candles and settled in for their very first viewing of The Shining.

HERE’S JOHNNY…

Just kidding. I’m saving that movie for a few more years. I don’t want to be completely responsible for having to clean up their messes when they crap their pants.

No, the movie I chose this time involved vampires and werewolves and heads being chopped off with swords. Nothing too scary. Yet.

COME OUT, COME OUT WHEREVER YOU ARE…

We bonded while watching good battle evil and argued about Nibs being better than Twizzlers and eventually, I sent them off to bed. I watched them bounce down the hallway from their sugar high and shook my head smiling, remembering the halloween highs of my past.

It was still early yet, and there was still two huge bowls of candy sitting there, mocking me.

So I did what any responsible adult would do.

I grabbed a bowl, flopped on the couch and started flicking through my three channels to see what would amuse me as I powered my way through an endless amount of candy.

There I was alone, in the dark with only three candles flickering, a big bowl of candy and the static flickers of my television screen. Halloween doesn’t get any better than this, I thought to myself as I reached for yet another treat.

Suddenly, my t.v. screen went fuzzy. Okay, so it’s always fuzzy. But now it was so fuzzy I couldn’t hear or see anything. Sighing, I got up and started wiggling the antennae, trying to clear the snow.

Satisfied, I sat back down and grabbed my bowl. Nixon shifted slightly and resumed snoring as he nestled against my thigh.

And that’s when the little buggers got me.

BAM! BAM! BAM! in rapid succession at the window three inches from my head, my face. “BOO!” They screamed in unison and then collapsed on each other in a fit of screaming giggles.

I just about shit myself. Candy scattered everywhere as I sent the bowl flying on my way to being stuck to the ceiling. By the time my darling children managed to find their way back into the house, I was just managing to peel myself off the roof.

“Did we scare you Mom?” they giggled and snickered while not noticing the wet spot on my pants.

“I thought I sent you guys to bed,” I gasped, still trying to calm my racing heart.

“You did, but we just waited a few minutes and then snuck out the deck door.” Fric proudly explained. Apparently, they tiptoed down the deck, around the house, through the bushes, pulled up a chair so they could gain the height they needed to reach the window nearest my head, pushed each other off it a few times, giggled like loons and then let loose on my aging soul.

If I wasn’t so scared I would have been proud.

“You do realize I’m installing locks on the outsides of your bedroom doors from now on, right?” I asked them as I walked them to their rooms.

“Ya. But it was so worth it, Mom. You jumped so high!” Frac gushed.

“Ya, I’m a freaking gazelle. Now good night. That means keep your ass in this bed and no more giving me a heart attack.” I warned.

“Yes, Mom,” they giggled from their beds.

Enough with this nice mom bit, I smiled to myself as I sat back down. Next year, I’m bringing out Jack.

Jack Torrance: LITTLE PIGS, LITTLE PIGS,LET ME COME IN. NOT BY THE HAIR OF YOUR CHINY-CHIN-CHIN? WELL THEN I’LL HUFF ADN I’LL PUFF, AND I’LL BLOW YOUR HOUSE IN. [axes the door]

He he.