My husband is a great gift giver. I have trained him well. Ever since that year back when we were first married and he gave me a can of tuna and a chocolate bar for my birthday and then followed it up with steak knives and a cork screw for Christmas (true story) he has never went wrong.
Apparently, the absence of a holiday hummer along with an angry wife who chucks sharp pointy objects (re: steak knives and a corkscrew) at your head in a fit of hormonal rage (I was a tad pregnant) is enough to scar a man for life and remind him to put some thought into what he buys for gifts.
He’s never again rushed to Canadian Tire an hour before the store closes on Christmas Eve to redeem his Canadian Tire money and find something to stuff into my stocking.
However, I’ve created a monster. A competitive monster who is determined to out-do me every damn gift-giving occasion. And he does.
I hate losing. But the problem is, I’ve bought him every cool gift out there I could think of and he still shows me up.
I give him golf clubs, he hands me a digital slr camera complete with an assortment of overpriced lenses.
I give him a Wii system, he gives me diamonds.
I prance around nekkid and get down on my knees while he’s stroking the new and expensive tool I know he was secretly coveting and he presents me with keys to a new car.
Well, not really, I only wish, but still, you get the idea.
Dammit, I want to be the one to hand over keys to a new car. Christmas is about giving, after all, not getting. Even if I have twisted the theme into some sadistic, grim competition that barely resembles the jolly sentiment it was supposed to.
I’ve tried everything, from setting price limits, to nixing presents all together and all that does is compound the problem. There I am, sticking to a fifty dollar limit and he hands over a gift worth hundreds. While he sits there, smiling like the evil little elf he has morphed into.
I’ve cajoled and argued, explained our financial limitations to the man, but still he remembers that corkscrew sticking out of his left bicept while ducking from the knives being hurled at his head.
This year, I’m determined to win. Because we all know Christmas is a competition to see who gets bigger bragging rights at the family get-together. I’m tired of everyone oohing and aahing at Boo’s thoughtfulness and awarding him with the crown of supreme gift giver. I want that crown dammit. Even if it is invisible and just in my head. I want them to ooh and ahh over me. And not just cause I’m drunk and stumbling through my jolly rendition of ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas.’
So I hit the stores hard and scoured the internet. I talked to his friends, called his boss, discussed matters with his mom. I made lists and I checked them twice. I can feel the laurels of victory wrapped around my shoulders. I know I hit gold when my son watched me wrap his father’s presents and a tear of happiness marked his cheek.
You know you’ve hit the gift-giving jackpot when a ten year old boy covets his father’s gifts.
I couldn’t help it. I had to brag. I can almost taste the sweetness of victory. Finally, after years of trying and losing, I have finally ensured my husband will have a better Christmas than me.
Except the little bastard champion gift giver just giggled when I told him he’s going down this year. His reign as supreme and thoughtful gift giver has come to an end.
He was calm. He was casual. He was unconcerned.
Dammit. He’s got something big up that freaking sleeve of his. Why is it I can feel my victory slipping from my grasp?
And what the hell is wrong with me that I’m going to be disappointed to get the best gift ever this year?
Merry facking ho ho ho.
Monday, 17 December, 2007 at 10:29
Maybe he is buying you a new gauge for the furnace?
Monday, 17 December, 2007 at 11:06
I’m sorry, but only a woman could complain about getting the bigger gift for xmas.
My wife is doing the same thing this year.
Gah!
Monday, 17 December, 2007 at 11:17
Hmm… perhaps you could send your husband this way to give my husband a lesson or two in gift purchases?
(And might I suggest a BBQ? One of those giant stainless steel jobbies with all the bells and whistles. Complete with the biggest d*mn steak you can find wrapped up with a bow?)
Monday, 17 December, 2007 at 11:31
A can of tuna. That’s awesome.
Kyle is the same way. For the most part, I’ve given up trying to keep up with him. It’s not that he spends too much, but that he really and truly pays attention to what I’d like (not by asking, but by listening to me covet unbidden throughout the year). I try to do the same, but he covets stuff like getting the windows tinted on his car (not exactly gift material) or a Ferrari (not exactly within the realm of reason).
Monday, 17 December, 2007 at 11:50
You are kidding about the can of tuna right? Oh god, you aren’t.
I guess it isn’t the worst thing to be the second runner-up in this competition.
Monday, 17 December, 2007 at 12:09
Ha, it’s taken my husband a few years to get that it isn’t cool to shop at Canadian Tire the day before Christmas for your wife. This year he’s actually purchased things over a week ahead of time! Of course, I had to post a list on the fridge…
It’s not the actual gift I care about (and, I suspect, most women care about), but the thought and effort that goes into it, ensuring we feel important enough to receive a gift that wasn’t in the CT flyer that week.
Monday, 17 December, 2007 at 12:18
LOL…you are gonna get something soooo cool…and not even care.
Monday, 17 December, 2007 at 12:19
dude – finding it VERY difficult to feel any sympathy for you over here…
Monday, 17 December, 2007 at 12:37
you guys are insane.
i instigated a strict no-gift policy after i went whole-hog sexy for our first valentine’s day together, and he got me a jean jacket. a used jean jacket.
Monday, 17 December, 2007 at 12:44
Maybe he’s messing with you…… playing “Poker”?
No, you’re clearly screwed.
This is exactly why my Mister and I stopped the gifts many moons ago… we literally ran out of ideas.
Except… maybe it’s time to start it back up again?
Monday, 17 December, 2007 at 12:53
Could you get your husband to talk with mine? I live with the worst gift giver ever and I’m EASY. To buy for, that is. But I could be persuaded to be easy if someone were to buy me something sparkly for once.
Maybe I need to hit him in the head with a can of tuna.
Monday, 17 December, 2007 at 12:59
I’m making it easy on myself this year. I bought a bow and I’m gonna slap it on my crotch.
If he doesn’t say it’s the best gift he’s ever gotten, he’s in big fucking trouble.
Pun intended.
Monday, 17 December, 2007 at 13:04
I would be thrilled to have that competition in our house. Thrilled.
Feel free to send anything my way
(just kidding)
Monday, 17 December, 2007 at 13:14
You need to suck that shit up, my friend. My husband refuses to try and surprise me in case he buys me something that ends up sticking out of his bicep. Which has never happened, so I don’t know why he’s so scared.
I’ve already got my Christmas present for this year. It wasn’t even wrapped. In fact I went with him to pick it out. He has many sterling qualities, but he can’t buy gifts. *sigh*
Monday, 17 December, 2007 at 14:34
Redneck Mommy-
Thanks for the comment on the site about your gift giving/receiving experience. I can honestly say that I never mean to “outdo” my wife when it comes to gift giving. It is just how it is. She tends to not want me to be upset or disappointed so she stays bland (books, gift cards etc.). I’m willing to strike out a few times to hit the home run (and sometimes Grand Slam).
Be thankful and know that it is probably (from reading your site) because he loves you.
Ron
Monday, 17 December, 2007 at 14:54
Why is it that husbands unknowingly give things that can be used as weapons against them? My ex bought me a breadknife one year.
There are other reasons he is my ex.
But, I am finding it hard to crank out a tear for you, my dear.
Monday, 17 December, 2007 at 16:28
It sounds like you still might win the game, but I’m not really sure how either of you can lose.
Monday, 17 December, 2007 at 17:39
Wanna switch husbands just for the holiday?
Monday, 17 December, 2007 at 18:13
Tuna? I thought that was the 5 year anniversary gift.
Seriously, though, my husband manages to buy me amazing stuff. not always expensive, but very well thought out and usually stuff that I have never overtly asked for, but want just the same.
And I am known as the Queen of T-Shirts.
Monday, 17 December, 2007 at 20:41
Oh, I am totally falling down this year, while misterpie is planning to get me something nice and I’ve already spent gift money on me. oops. I think I might try and turn the tables by suggesting I buy him what he’s thinking of. After all, I know he wants it, too…
Monday, 17 December, 2007 at 20:43
You need to shut your mouth, because some of us aren’t getting anything this year. Put that in your Christmas stocking.
Monday, 17 December, 2007 at 21:36
Wendy, I am sorry your so sad about your situation that you have to be mean here. I will be thinking about your situation and Praying for you and if there is anything you want that I can get you to make you smile, e-mail me with your request and your addy and I will do my best to cheer you up.
Monday, 17 December, 2007 at 21:56
Sigh. My husband gave me a box of junior mints and a yellow legal pad for Christmas our first year together. He hasn’t improved all that much. Though he tries.
I am excited to see what you two bought for each other. If he buys you your very own tropical island can I come for a vacation?
Monday, 17 December, 2007 at 21:57
i am dying over here.
Tuesday, 18 December, 2007 at 9:21
My comment is there with all it’s Southern love and kindness. Don’t cry for me, blogosphere.
Tuesday, 18 December, 2007 at 9:55
My problem is that I keep trying to outdo myself. It got so bad last year that my husband did get a set of keys under the tree. I got him a shiny new red truck last year. How the fack do you top that? Now I am stumped as to how to do it this year. I have just blown a small fortune buying him tons of presents instead of one big one.
OY! Can’t we skip this month!
Tuesday, 18 December, 2007 at 10:38
LMAO! I had to have my Canadian friend explain the Tire Money thing. My hubby kicks my ass every year.
This year, he bought me a laptop.
I’ll never win that crown.
Tuesday, 18 December, 2007 at 11:40
I’m finding it hard to feel sympathy here……..
Tuesday, 18 December, 2007 at 18:31
You trained him well!
Tuesday, 18 December, 2007 at 20:08
ummm, perhaps this crisis is a matter of perspective.
I would have to say that you have trumped his every gift because, after all, what truly beats the Holiday Hummer?
Wednesday, 19 December, 2007 at 1:01
I always lose too. And yes, it IS a competition.
Wednesday, 19 December, 2007 at 6:01
You obviously have never been on the receiving end of a plunger or vacuum or microwave for Christmas, so thank your lucky stars! (oh, scratch the vacuum—a couple of years ago, my mom got me a Dyson and I squeeled like she had wrapped me a pony).
And, um, could you run through your list of best husband gifts ever—I’m running a little low on ideas and really don’t want to try to find a wii right now (besides, he has Guitar Hero and I’ll strangle him if he finds a new gaming obsession).
Wednesday, 19 December, 2007 at 13:20
I wish Dave was a good gift giver…but he’s not. He shops for me at the Liquidation Depot.
Wednesday, 19 December, 2007 at 15:10
Two words for ya (the first of Eliza’s Delurking Once More From The MRSA, to show you how much I care!): POOR. BABY.
Wednesday, 19 December, 2007 at 15:12
and that was totally tongue-in-cheek for the irony-impaired, I am very happy for, I mean I totally commiserate with, or whatever, T. I AM ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE LAW, WHICHEVER HERS MAY BE. Yes. That.
Thursday, 20 December, 2007 at 13:24
I wish my hubby was competitive, I have always given him great gifts. He likes to shop Christmas eve then ahs the nerve to complain about the crowds. Actualy now, i just tell him what he got me for Christmas
Friday, 21 December, 2007 at 11:27
OK, it takes some saving up but once you give them, say, tickets for race car school, spring training, or other sports fantasy lifestyle, you’ve won the crown for life. Trust me, keys to a car never beats letting them race in a top fuel dragster.