As a born and bred, true Canadian hoser, I am accustomed to whatever winter madness Mother Nature throws my way. However, that doesn’t mean I have to like it. No matter how cute I look stuffed into a parka and toque.
So when the temperatures plummeted 20 degrees in two hours and the weather channel called for blizzard like conditions, I was unfazed. Annoyed, but unfazed. I just hunkered down around the fire; cuddled with some blankets and whined over who would have to stand outside with my pansy ass dog to ensure he piddled outside and not on my laundry basket like he did the night before.
(Gosh I love my dog.)
Eventually the wind quit howling and the snow stopped falling and Nature quit being a bitch. Or so I thought. Until I took the damn dog out to do his business. (That will be the last time I draw straws. Next time I’ll just arbitrarily assign a potty minder for the pooch.)
It was a balmy -47 degrees. That is -53 degrees for you Yankee folks. In other words, it was facking cold and poor Nixon couldn’t pee fast enough to prevent little icesicles forming around his willy.
Its times like this I really miss prancing around topless on a Mexican beach, let me tell ya.
Neither the dog nor I could get into the house fast enough. Neither of us felt like communing with the great outdoors as we breathed in air so cold it felt like our lungs were on fire. As I was brushing the snow off the dog and my boots, the phone rang.
Shit. It’s the school board. That is not good news, I thought to myself, as I answered the phone.
“Hello?”
“Hi, may we speak to the breeder of Fric and Frac, please?”
“This is her,” I responded while fervently hoping they were calling to tell me my children had won scholarships based on sarcasm skills and not actual academic merit.
“This is the ruler of the educational system out here in ButtFark Alberta. Please be advised that weather conditions have prompted the cancellation of the school busses tomorrow morning and seeing as your husband nominated you behind your back to be the moron who has to call all the parents on the bus route, now would be a good time to dig out that emergency phone list you buried in your junk drawer and proceed to inform all other parents.”
“Do I have to?” I argued.
“Yes.” Shit. Think fast Tanis, there is still a chance to turn this ship around, I thought to myself.
“But you don’t understand. I just spent two whole days with my children. I took them ice-skating yesterday and sledding. All in one day. I had a Wii tournament for them and their friends. I had 13 children packed into my house for eight straight hours today and all I want is some peace and quiet. They NEED to go to school tomorrow. Can’t you send a team of dog sleds or something?” I whined. Because everyone knows, WHINING works.
“We’re sorry. But we are unable to comply with your request as all tax dollars ear marked for education are being used to buy the good coffee beans from Starbucks and pretty glitter pens.”
“Dammit.” Visions of spending the day relaxing in front of my computer vanished like a plate of cookies in front of Santa.
As the responsible adult I am, I made peace with the situation and dug out phone list. And a bottle of wine. I needed fortification as I started making calls to parents to break their hearts and share my pain.
There is nothing worse than being the messenger. Everyone wants a piece of your ass to chew on. Over and over I explained that I did my best to change the school board’s mind, but apparently icy, snow covered roads and dangerously low temperatures trump the parents need for peace and quiet.
Unfeeling school board bastards. How dare they put the safety of our children first.
“But I just spent the day shuffling my kids to FIVE hockey games this weekend,” one woman whined. “I need a break.”
I feel for you sista.
“But I’ve got to get to work and I don’t have a sitter for the kids. Can you do it?” one man asked.
Not on your freaking life. I’ve already got to find a way to hide from two munchkins. I don’t need to add more to the mix.
After robbing all those families of their joy, I vowed to find some new sucker to take over the responsibility of being the emergency caller on snow days. Life is too short to grow this many gray hairs at once.
It’s not worth being ostracized at school events by a mob of angry parents who haven’t forgotten YOU were the jerk who, by bearing bad news, ruined their lives on a snowy cold Monday.
I’m trying to find the silver lining in the snow day this morning as my children prance around with joy and generally step on my last remaining nerve.
The good news is, I don’t have to take Nixon out to pee. It’s still -47 out there with wind-chill.
The bad news is, my children may turn into ice pops if I force them outside to shovel the deck play so I can blog in peace.
Ah screw it. They’re young. They’ll thaw fast.
Maybe snow days aren’t so bad after all.
janethesane
Whining never works for me either. I hope you made it through the day.
kgirl
And that is why I don’t have a dog. All I have to do is shove the cat away from the vent because she’s hogging all the heat.
Is it June yet?
Arkie Mama
I Googled this just for you:
2 oz Scotch whisky
1 tsp sugar
5 1/2 oz boiling water
Place a sugar cube or equivalent into an Irish coffee cup or mug. Fill 2/3 full with boiling water. Add Scotch whisky and stir. Garnish with a slice of lemon, dust with nutmeg, and serve.
(If school closes again, double the whiskey.)
Loralee
Would you hate me if I told you that as PTA President I used to writhe with joy the few times that I could manage delegate things like this away from me and onto someone else?????
GRIN.
Cut me some slack, it was one of the few perks I had. When something sucked? ALWAYS MY FAULT. AND…I was always the one that had to run around picking up the pieces when people dropped the ball and thus ended up doing things like camping out at the school over easter break helping to paint a mural because nobody else showed up.
Still…You have my deep empathy. Having been in the fuckitbucket seat many times, I understand your pain.
gorillabuns
I’ve had two sick kids at home for a week and a half. I truly feel your pain.
slouching mom
That’s extraterrestrially cold.
Unbelievable.
Dani
Well, I think we live in the same facking area.
Edmonton, anyone?
There was no f-ing way I was venturing out to go to two university classes today. Probably couldn’t get out my door b/c of drifts!
Jenn @ Juggling Life
(Head bowed in shame) I will now quit whining because my jeans got wet walking across the parking lot today, in the rain, in San Diego
crunchy carpets
I haven’t had a fucking (I actually typed funchin – which I now like better) snow day since I moved to Canada. Trust MY family to pick Vancouver.
Seriously….I don’t recall our school EVER shutting because of the snow. Bomb threats – yes…snow….not so much.
I don’t even remember school in Edinburgh shutting down because of snow..despite ALL buses not working because of white out conditions and blizzards blasting of the north sea. They felt you should STILL make it to school no matter what.
We haven’t even had enough snow for tobogganing..though apparently about 2 km away…they did. Go figure.
My dog won’t pee or poo outside when it rains. Ironic for a dog living on the WET COAST!
Jenn
Glad that the bastardly school canceling/dream crushing tyrants aren’t only in my neck of the woods.
Kelley
Tomorrow my kids go back to school. In 100 degree weather. After 6 weeks at home.
Forgive me if I am feeling less than charitable at your situation.
But I might tomorrow after I have run around the house screaming at the top of my lungs ‘I am free! I am free!’ and eat my body weight in chocolate.
11 more hours…….
The Cubicle's Backporch
Now I know how my mom felt when we had school days! Ha!
I can’t believe how cold it gets up there. I’ll take our 15 degrees anyday!!! At least it’s above zero!
mamatulip
Dave went out for suds and wings last night and I sat on the couch with my book, the television tuned to the Weather Channel, because why yes, I am a huge fucking loser. I heard that the temperatures are supposed to be totally, insanely cold in your neck of the nation so I won’t tell you that here in my neck of the nation, it’s PLUS FIVE and all the snow is melting.
Oh, and this? “We’re sorry. But we are unable to comply with your request as all tax dollars ear marked for education are being used to buy the good coffee beans from Starbucks and pretty glitter pens.†Cracked my shit UP.
Kris
North Dakota here.. sucks too. The wind is howling today and the actual temp is 11 below and the wind chill is 38 below and the first thing the kids said.. is there school today? oh yeah.. there is school or someone will be punished!! Bus was twenty minutes late but yes there is school!!
joy
aaaah! All these North American posts about minus 50 wind chills. *Thank YOU*! Ok, so it might be grey and drizzly outside here in Engerland, but it’s mild and temperate, and my face doesn’t crack off when I leave the door. A post with pictures of budding daffodils for you tomorrow, my love (snort!)
Simply Jenn
I just wanted to let you know during my compliment instead of comment day that I’ve lurked on your site for quite awhile and really enjoy your sense of humor and your writings about child rearing. I’ve got five and I pretty much share your feelings. SLAVE LABOR! Also your posts about Bug are beautiful and touching. Thank you!
Emma
When I called my son’s school this morning for the second straight day to report his absence due to the fact that that his bus wasn’t running I think they were pissed off at me. Like as though I should walk the hour it would take to get his to school with a pain in the ass whingy 11 year old, a 3 year old and a baby. Whatever. I suppose I could have asked my husband to leave work to take him, but I have not yet reached the point where I am ready to lock him in his room. Tomorrow maybe. But I assume he will be at school tomorrow, seeing as they aren’t predicting weather in the -40s.
justmylife
Living in the south, I have never been in -53 weather. I curl up and hibernate at 25. Our school system just calls the local news station to inform them who will be out of school that day. It usually is announced, oh, 5 minutes before leaving to take the kid to school. I remember praying school would get out as a kid. Now I know why my mom always cringed if the weatherman said snow. Of course we are more likely to get out for ice, tornadoes and high winds than snow. I feel for you though. I am glad I’m not there. Of course there has been mention of high winds today, so I may have to eat my words.
Above Average Joe
Have them go clean your bathtub. After that toilet backup story, I think it still could use another washdown.
Oh, The Joys
It’s no jacket warm here. Neener, neener, neener!