Before my children were born, I used to pray every night they would be happy and healthy. I didn’t care what sex they were I just wanted healthy kids. I also prayed they would have my dad’s nose and possess a higher i.q. than either of their parents.

I wanted healthy, happy, brain surgeon, astrophysics geeky babies with a great nose.

Nothing like aiming for the moon. Well, Fric has my nose and Frac has his dad’s nose, but I do think Bug had his Grampa’s nose. I also believe he would have turned out to be smarter than Einstein, solved the global warming crisis, eradicated the common cold virus and cured cancer.

(So I’ve got him up on a teeny tiny pedestal. A broken pelvis, 7 hours of labour, six stitches in parts where no needle should ever be and the fact that I only got to kiss him for less than five years gives me this right. Work with me people.)

Now that my kids are getting older, I find myself wishing they weren’t so damn smart more often than not. There is just no pulling the wool over these kid’s eyes.

Like this weekend. Their dad was home for the long weekend and the kids were happily playing outside building a snow fort and shooting foam pellets at each other. We decided to make the best of the peaceful morning moments and get, er romantic with one another. Unbeknownst to us, Frac came into the house to get dry mittens. Do you see where this is going?

Thankfully, Boo had the foresight to close and lock our bedroom door before we got busy. While we were doing our thing Frac wandered over to our room to ask us a question. He stopped at the door, heard some interesting noises and decided he should wait. Clever boy. Boo and I happily finished and then got up to have some coffee.

When we went to the kitchen, Frac was in there with a questioning look on his face.

“What were you guys just doing?” he asked like the devil boy he really is.

Faced with this inquisition just after having my world rocked, my brains apparently decided to vacate their comfy home inside my head and ooze out of my ears. I looked at him, saw the intelligent light gleaming in his eyes and figured it would be better to fess up than tell him we were praying like I did last summer when he overheard us.

“Look Frac. We’re grown ups, we’re married, we love each other and we don’t have a lot of time together. We decided to make the most of it while you were supposed to be outside playing. You get what I’m saying?” I asked as I busied myself making coffee and his dad hid in the bathroom like the pansy ass he is.

“You were having sex.” It was a statement, yet it seemed like a challenge coming from the lips of my sweet, innocent ten-year-old.

“Ya,” I replied as my face lit on fire and I wished for the ground to swallow me whole.

“Eww,” he screeched and then he raced outside to go share the information that his parents were humping like a pair of horny rabbits with his sister. Because that’s what good siblings do. They share such useful tidbits with one another to later use as a form of torture against their parents. They’re a team like that.

“Well done, you twit,” Boo nuzzled against my neck when Frac was safely outside.

“What can I say? I panicked. He knew anyways. He’s a smart cookie. Thanks for all the back up you jack ass,” I replied as I pushed him away and went to check my email. Nothing like burying yourself into cyber space to pretend you aren’t mortified.

Fast forward a few days later and Boo was preparing to leave. It’s always as much fun as chewing a thorny cactus when he is getting ready to leave. Nobody wants to see him go, and he’s about as happy as a man getting a vasectomy done by a blind man. Since the kids were busy in their rooms, we decided to make the most of the last few moments of him being at home and get a last minute quickie in.

Reading that last sentence, I just realized we really are a pair of rabbits. Anyways.

Once again the door was locked and we got down to business. Except now our kids were on to us. Noticing the locked door, Fric decided to sneak up and see if she could hear us. This time we made sure to be really quiet. It was really very romantic. Not.

“Dad?” she called, “what are you guys doing?” Again with my demon spawn. Apparently they are here to make sure their parents never copulate in peace.

“Nothing,” he replied as he covered my mouth (isn’t he thoughtful?), “we’re just talking about the adoption in private. Now go clean your rooms, we’ll be out in a second.”

“Smooth,” I whispered as I adjusted my position.

Fric however, had other ideas. “Ewww!” she screamed and then went racing into the kitchen were her brother was waiting for an update. “They’re having SEX again!!!”

Boo and I giggled and got back to the job at hand. Minutes later (and it really was just minutes. Hard to concentrate when you know your kids are being permanently traumatized just feet away from you.) we got dressed again and wandered out of the bedroom, nonchalantly.

“You were having SEX,” they screeched in unison.

This time, I hid in the bathroom and waited for Boo to deal with it.

“Ya, so,” he growled. “Go clean up your room before I make you wash the toilets with your tongues.”

Not really the route I would have chose, but highly effective nonetheless. A few minutes later, when I deemed the coast was clear, I headed out to the laundry room to start putting my mounds of folded laundry away. Anything to avoid making eye contact with my children.

Fric and Frac were like two hungry lions circling in on a sick antelope. They could sense my weakness and decided to go for the jugular while their dad was outside checking the oil in his car. (Read: hiding like the school girl he is and waiting for me to clean up his mess.)

They approached me in a united fashion and waited for me to speak. You could tell they were waiting for me to deny what their father had said and redeem my purity in their eyes. I looked at them, and remembered when they couldn’t speak and were actually sweet kids, unlike the evil little toads they have morphed into. It was a do or die moment. One they would remember well into adulthood. I could feel the pressure of the moment build like my life depended on it.

Not one to buckle in times of great pressure, I took a deep breath and asked them:

“Would you guys like a kiss to make this all better?” as I waggled my eyebrows.

They ran screaming from the room and Fric yelled over her shoulder, “EWWWWWW! I don’t know where that mouth has been!”

Heh, heh. That’ll teach them I thought to myself as I continued to fold socks.

Either Boo and I are going to have to get smarter as they get older, or start meeting out in the bushes for our romance encounters.

Damn I wish they weren’t so smart. Or I wasn’t so stupid.