There are moments in life that are so unexpectedly sweet that when they happen you can’t believe your good fortune and you spend the rest of your day smiling and shooting rainbows out your arse.
Like when you take out an old coat and find a crumpled twenty dollar bill inside a lint filled pocket.
Or when you buy a lottery ticket and actually win something. (Because that is totally possible. They keep handing out those free tickets just to sucker you back in with false hope.)
Or when your daughter scores the only damn goal her team has seen this entire season and it’s made only sweeter because she’s playing against kids four years older than her and twice her size.
So sue me if I jumped up and down, cheering and screaming like a raging soccer mom lunatic. That little victory was hard earned and made sweeter by the ability to brag that it was MY daughter.
Ya. We She rocks.
I love those little unexpected gifts life brings. It’s like finding a pretty little chocolate resting upon on the pillowcase of life. (Okay, so that is a horrible analogy, but I never professed to be a poet.)
Those little nuggets of goodness are all the more sweeter now that we know just how dark life can get. I tend to cherish them harder and hold them closer than I ever did before our son died.
Which is why, when I received a phone call from a dear family friend, I wrapped myself in the unexpected glow of warmth and thanked the Universe itself for my latest unexpected gift.
This gift was even better than watching my daughter’s triumphant smile after her victory on the soccer field. This gift was even more precious than the time I was snooping and found unexpected photos of my son in my friend’s photo album.
This gift made me smile and then weep with joy (and only a bit of sadness). This gift was a reminder of a life once lived, a love forever shared. I can’t believe I didn’t even know it existed before that phone call.
Video footage of my darling Bug. The ONLY video footage that exists in the world because we were too poor during his life to be able to afford a video camera to capture his beautiful soul.
(If only we had a crystal ball back then and knew how important it would be to document his moments. Sigh.)
Now I have him, captured forever alive and cranky and in his glory. For a few brief moments I get to experience my son’s sweet kisses and remember the warm feeling of his sweaty hair and how he clung to me for comfort for a few minutes. Not that I forgot, but it is so wonderful to see it in front of me instead of just inside my head and heart.
Because now I can share it with you.
You never know what sugary surprises life has in store for you.
You also never know when a bad haircut and forgetting to wear any lipstick is going to come back and bite you on the arse.
I’ll just try to over look that. How bout you do the same?
**Note: The video is around four minutes long. Just click play under the big screen at the bottom and his piece will start. **







beck
This is a wonderful, wonderful thing. I’m bawling, but I’m so glad that you now have this video of your child. He was gorgeous.
the planet of janet
what an incredible gift! i watched every precious second and rejoiced for you that you have this amazing footage.
(and i like your hair…. you’re adorable)
Elly
Thank-you for posting that video Tanis. It ripped my heart up, but also blessed my day. It is evident how close you two were. Just the way you scratch his little back, and stroke his hair and he just clung to you and was ready for kisses. Makes me ever more aware how fleeting life is, and how fragile our kids are. I read your posts as often as time allows and your writing always challenges me to be a better mom and be more grateful for my son’s good health. That was truly a treat to watch.
Kay
I am sobbing! He is such a beautiful boy Tanis! And to think of him not in this world with you any longer just breaks my heart. I cannot fathom, not at all!
((HUGS))
Don Mills Diva
What a wonderful, treasured find – so happy for you…
Heather
Thank you so much for sharing your Bug with us. What a beautiful boy! And you were looking pretty good there as well.
mamatulip
The love coming from you to him – and he to you – in that little clip is so clear and present and beautiful.
I’m so glad you have this, and that you’ve shared it with us.
Christina
Someone sent me one of those emails today that said “a blessing is coming your way.”
It did! It was your blog!
Thank you for sharing something so dear to your heart. What a gift!
daysgoby
And THERE he is! My GOD, Tanis, he’s BEAUTIFUL.
Thank you for showing us that video – I hope against hope some other nice surprises pop up for you too!
amber
I love your hair, and your lips look fine. I nearly cried whenever I saw that tube in him tummy. It must hurt so much for you to put it in to feed him. I couldn’t hear what they are saying though (my sound systems are down). And that is partly why I’m not crying (yet). He’s absolutely beautiful. I’m really glad I have stumbled upon your website and I have been reading all of your archives. I think you’re a great mom and I want to be as good a mom as you are when I have my kids. I can tel why you love Bug so much. He does look like the angle you describe him to be. This kind of personal touch in your posts makes me feel truly special.
Thanks so much.
justmylife
I am so glad you now have this treasure whenever you just need to see him. You looked wonderful and he is a doll!
Boomom
Bawling my freakin eyes out down here ! Such a beautiful boy, Tanis !
and the love you have for each other just shines thru the screen !
Backpacking Dad
The combination of your face and your perfect accent evokes Canadian Charlize Theron for me. Who needs lipstick when you’ve got eyes like that and a dipthong to boot?
But I didn’t like watching the video.
FishyGirl
Oh, God, Tanis, what a gift, and thank you for sharing that gift with us. How easy it would have been to keep it all to yourself.
And you both look absolutely beautiful, and the love between you is … palpable. Even without lipstick and a supposedly bad haircut (I think it looks great).
Loralee
The video wouldn’t play for me, but damn. I am so happy for you. We were using crappy disposable cameras when bug was alive because we were also poor. The one roll I had of him smiling was used on an outdoor camera and so I have one dark, fuzzy, grainy photo where you can barely tell it’s him. I think I would give everything I own for a video of my bug. ANYTHING.
Jen
That was beautiful. I am crying from sadness/happiness for you. Life is just too short. Wish I could get my in-laws to realize that. He is such an adorable little boy and you could tell how much he loves you and you him.
J from Ireland
Wow, what a beautiful beautiful boy, this is a wonderful gift, I am so happy for you. You both look so lovely together I can only imagine how much you miss him. Best wishes.
kittenpie
You look awesome – but here’s the nice thing about having a cute child – who’s looking at you?
Misterpie was laughing at me for filming a few minutes of Pumpkinpie jsut running around a cuple of weeks ago. But it’s one of those things you might remember, but would love to be able to relive later, even if you still have them. If not, I can’t even imagine how precious that tiny snatched moment must be. I’m so glad you have it!
shannon
you were so well spoken, and your hair looks amazing!
Jess in MA
I’ve been reading your blog for a while now and you crack me up so often. What a sense of humor and knack for writing! I’m so glad that this video exists for you, it’s a beautiful gift! Bug looks so cute and when he gives you a kiss- a moment to treasure for sure caught forever. Thank you for sharing! And the work at the hospital seems to be amazing, what a lot of work and good things are being done there.
Also, your hair looked awesome and I never noticed your lack of lipstick!