I had a big blog post planned today to dissect my fifteen seconds of fame from my appearance on CNN Headline News this weekend.

Then my eardrum burst.

Ya. Spontaneously. Without any warning.

Who knew that something so tiny could cause incredible pain? I’d have eased my misery with a swill of medicinal mommy juice but the glands in my throat seemed to have swollen so much that I can barely swallow.

It’s like the Universe has put a pox on my head. My husband says it’s because I didn’t show enough cleavage on the video tape.

I dragged my sorry arse out of bed to make an emergency appointment with the local doctor. Pox or not, I need to have the giant red hot spike removed from my head. I need drugs, dammit.

So I hobbled to the kitchen to get the phone book and dialed the local clinic.

“Hi,” I croaked, “I’m in desperate need of medical assistance. I need to see the doctor as quick as possible and I’m willing to grease some palms to make it happen.”

“What’s the nature of this visit?” a bored receptionist yawned on the other end of the line.

“Well, sometime in the middle of the night, tiny little demons visited my bedroom, crammed a rod of fiery pain into my ear, bursting my ear drum and followed that up by pouring hot acid directly into my throat. They then did a little voodoo chant while holding hands and dancing around my bed, wishing for all the snot in the world to congregate and rest inside my sinuses. I think I’m dying.” I manage to croak out while raging white hot pain emanates from my ear.

“I see. So you’ve got a cold.”

“No, I’ve got the pox. A cold doesn’t cause this much brain damage.”

“Uh, huh. I can’t fit you in until late this afternoon. Name please?” I can hear her clicking away at her typewriter while she is chewing gum.

“Tanis Miller.”

Pause.

“Tanis Miller, the REDNECK MOMMY?” She asks, somewhat incredulously.

“Um, ya?”

“I saw you on CNN last night! I couldn’t believe someone I knew was on t.v!”

“Um, thanks?” I coughed. I was starting to see stars swirl around my head. “Is there any way you could squeeze me in any earlier? I’m really sick.” Heh, I’m not above capitalizing on my new found fame.

She laughed and for a second I thought I was in.

“Honey, you get yourself on Grey’s Anatomy and introduce me to McSteamy and I’ll let you pick your appointment times. Hell, I’ll even drive the doc herself to your house. Until then, you just have to wait in line with all the other rednecks we see.”

Damn.

So much for my fifteen seconds of fame. Guess one redneck ’round these parts is the same as another.