**Warning: Graphic contents ahead. Read at your own risk. Heh. Welcome to my life.**
**Oh, and if you happen to be an adoption case worker or foster worker, or MY FATHER, please skip this post. Thanks.**
There was a time, long, long ago, when I believed in romance, true love and happily-ever-afters. Then I grew up, got married and squeezed out a three shrieking demons. My love affair with romance ended right about the time I had to keep elbowing my husband in the middle of the night to remind him it was his turn to rock the baby back to sleep.
He’d just pretend he was sleeping through the baby’s shrilly cries while the walls rattled and the windows cracked and pretend to snore his way through my elbow jabs.
Somewhere in the middle of the marriage and life, romance fell to the back burner. Romance kinda faded to the background as we paid bills and struggled to stay afloat in the early years of marriage.
I mean, it’s hard to remember the blazing passion we once shared when we were knee deep in squalling infants and mortgage payments.
I never gave much thought to married life before being married. At that point, I was ruled by lust and the need to constantly fornicate.
Oh, how times have changed.
Apparently, as my husband likes to point out, times have only changed for me. He still wants to fornicate as often as possible.
Perhaps it’s because I’m still the sexy hottie I once was (minus the saggy tits and belly jiggle) or perhaps it’s because he is poisoned by too damn much testosterone.
Whichever, he still wants to get it on. All the damned time. Even if I haven’t shaved my legs or my um, nether regions and I resemble a small hairy yeti. Even if I haven’t washed my face or combed my hair or had a shower in days. He still wants a little something something.
I admit, I don’t understand it. We’re getting older for chrissakes, our bodies aren’t the temples to sex they once were. No matter how we try, we can’t recapture the glory of the days we bumped uglies like rabid horny bunnies.
Don’t get me wrong. It’s not that I don’t love him or find him attractive. But the sweet siren call of my soft pillow calls to me stronger than well, his passionate whispers of romance.
Hmm…eight hours of blissful uninterrupted sleep vs. hot and sweaty sex which invariably means exercise because a gal can’t just lie there like a lump while her man goes at it like a dog on a guest’s leg…sleep is gonna win hands down every time.
Boo doesn’t see it this way and has made it his personal mission to rev up the romance in the boudoir. We can sleep when we’re dead, he says. Use it before I lose it, he’ll whisper as he bangs his Pickle against my leg.
Oh the romance. How can I resist?
In an effort to inspire me, Boo came home with a brown paper bag filled with goodies from the local sex shop. I should have known something was up when he wouldn’t let the kids look inside the bag and shooed them outside while sporting a stupid look on his face.
I warily eyed the bag, knowing no good can come from that silly look he was mugging and asked him what was up.
“Me in a few minutes, once I show you what I got for us.”
Oy. I mean, how can a gal resist such temptation?
With a furtive glance to make sure the kids were beating each other with sticks far away from the house, Boo dumped the contents of the bag into my lap and smiled like a little boy who had just picked a handful of posies for his mother.
(Because you know, sex toys are just as wholesome as fresh picked flowers.)
Not one, not two but three different vibrators, some edible underwear and a sex game.
He was thinking about all the naked fun we’d have together and I was thinking about all the energy I would have to expend that night while missing sleep.
Gotta love the romance of the long-time married.
“Well, what do you think?” he asked, beaming.
“I’m thinking I gotta take away your bank card and send a babysitter along with you every time you leave the house.”
As I eyed the treats in my lap, Boo waggled his brows suggestively and offered to take me into the bedroom for a test drive. Charming.
“Why on earth do we need THREE vibrators? How many holes are you planning to stick things into?” I asked very worriedly. “Do even understand how much batteries cost these days?” I whined.
“I’m just trying to spice things up a little for us.”
“Are you insinuating that I’m not spicy enough for you?” I screeched.
Boo looked befuddled, like he hadn’t anticipated that reaction. Probably because he was too busy envisioning me in edible undies with a bunch of vibrators buzzing in the back ground. Or gawd knows where else.
“No, not at all,” he stammered. “I just thought the change of pace would be fun.”
“I can’t keep up with the pace you set now! And you want to change it????” Cue the screechy wife.
“Don’t be such a priss. It’ll be fun. I promise,” he leered.
“Fun.” Snort. “And just what am I supposed to do with these?” I ask, while poking at the strawberry flavored underwear.
“Um, wear them.” Again, with that stupid look on his face.
“Great. Cuz sex isn’t messy enough. Now I’m gonna have jam smeared all over my new sheets.” How is it that guys don’t think about these things? Must be because they never have to sleep in the damn wet spot.
Boo was getting insulted now, because I wasn’t offering to put my ankles behind my ears immediately. Apparently, I wasn’t seeing the romance he had intended.
Call me crazy, but if he wanted to be romantic, he could have brought home flowers and a maid along with pizza and beer.
“You have got to be out of yer ever lovin’ mind if you think I’m gonna eat those nasty undies off of you. It’s bad enough I have to pick hairs out of my teeth, but now you expect me to get strawberry seeds stuck in my molars? And um, ew. Man juice mixed with jam. Yummy.”
Exasperated, Boo tossed the edible undies back into the bag and rolled his eyes. “Forget about the damn undies then, woman. Sheesh. Where’s your sense of adventure?”
Um, anywhere warm and tropical where I have half nekkid men serving me unlimited mojitos. Anywhere where I didn’t have to um, exert myself.
Picking up one of the fancy vibrators, I looked at him and sighed. “Boo this thing looks like it will hurt! I mean, I know you mean well, but I really have no inclination to be rubbed raw and impaled by this plastic penis.”
“I knew I should have bought that ball gag in the window,” Boo mumbled.
“Pardon ME?” I’ll show you what that ball gag is for, you twit, I thought to myself as I eyed the vicious vibrator and contemplated shoving where the sun don’t shine.
“You know what, Tanis?” he huffed. “You are no damn fun.”
“Fun??? How about we stick that in your hole first and take it for a test drive? Let’s see how much fun it is when your arse is bleeding?” I pointed out. (Very pleasantly, too, I might add. Heh.)
“Just forget about it,” he snarked as he swept everything back into the paper bag. “I was just trying to liven things up in the bedroom.”
Which to me, means things aren’t lively. Which, in my woman’s twisted brain, means I’m boring. To hell with that, I say. I’m bendy. I’m a damn Gumby! I all but do back flips for that man. How much livelier does a woman need to be?
“I may as well shove dynamite up my arse while hanging upside down from a trapeze while giving you head,” I yelled while looking out the window to make sure the kids didn’t overhear their parents arguing over sex.
“You didn’t have any complaints about my bedroom bouncing the other night! Just so you know, there are a lot of men…and some woman…who wouldn’t mind taking a turn with me under the sheets. You ought to count your blessings!” As I spoke I continued to get more and more shrilly.
“Dammit! I was just trying to be nice!” With that, Boo grabbed his bag of goodies and stormed off. I’m gonna guess this WASN’T how he envisioned how his evening would go.
“NICE would have been you bringing me home a box of fudgesicles!” I yelled after him.
Boo turned around, and said, “You’re insane. Remind me why I married you?”
“Because insane girls are crazy. And crazy girls know how to f*ck like wild monkeys. Without jam drawers or rubber daggers shoved up their hoohaa’s!”"
“What ever. I’ll just take this back to the store tomorrow.” Boo sighed and I could see his shoulders droop just a fraction.
“Wait, wait. Bring that bag back here.” Boo raised an eyebrow but brought the bag back to me.
Pulling out one of the less evil looking toys, I gave the bag back to him.
“There. Return those. I’ll keep this,” I murmured as I caressed my new love toy.
Boo stood there with his mouth open while trying to stifle a look of triumph.
“What??? I may be crazy but I’m not stupid.” I smiled.
Anything to help him get in, get off and get out and get me back to sleep.
Heh.
Jess
OMG I think that is the funniest and most truthful thing I have ever read in my life. Give me sleep over sex 95% of the time.
Mr Lady
*grin*
Mr Lady
Also, Fudgsicles. Mmmm.
aimee
When will men understand the most romantic thing they can do to get us in the mood is lighten out load. Change a diaper, take wash the dishes, surprise us by doing something we “have” to do, not sex toys (we’ll get our own when you put us in the mood by doing something for us!). GUYS- they sexiest thing you can do for us is to do the most un-sexy chore we do with out being asked and without a big production! We’ll notice- don’t worry!
preTzel
??? Okay, let’s take your response point by point:
I’ve been reading for a while and I have to say that I think you are pretty damn selfish…and I’m a woman too — You must not have been “reading for awhile” because, if you had, you’d know how wrong you are.
I almost lost if over the truck incident when you were so ungrateful that he bought you a completely superfluous truck…and you whined because it wasn’t new and shiny. — LOL! A lot of women will “whine” when their spouse doesn’t get them what they want. Doesn’t make them selfish or ungrateful – it makes them HUMAN.
Your husband works so you can sit at home and bitch-blog about your life and how hard it is to be married to a man who still desires you and wants to support you and the children. Loves you enough to quit his job to take another one so he can actually spend time with you and your offspring. Jeez. What a great tragedy. — Again LOLOL!~ It used to be standard that women stayed home while the man went out and did work to support his family. These days more men are staying home (go check out a lot of the daddy blogs) and women are the ones bringing home the bread. If T worked and her man stayed home and she still blogged the same would you feel differently? I take it your one of those women that *has* to work because your man doesn’t make enough for you to “stay home and bitch – blog”. Jealous much?
You might actually have to get your ass off the couch, put down the vino, and fix dinner now. *snort* I’m still waiting for Mr. to wake up from his “right after work nap” so he can fix dinner and I’ve sat on my ass and “bitch – blog[ged]” all day.
He is trying so hard to please you and maybe he needs a little reassurance that you still need/want him. When my husband starts feeling “needy” he can go out and get him a pet. If the time we’ve been together, had kids together, and fucked hasn’t assured him then I don’t think sticking a double – headed vibrator in my lower holes is going to reassure him either. I think the same can apply to T and her spouse.
You do realize, don’t you, that his stability and maturity are probably the only attributes that keeps the adoption agency from shutting their case file permanently. Me – fucking – OW! What, you got an inside track on this? You know this for fact? Or is this just your jealousy showing through again?
Yes, you can be funny and you do write some of the most heartbreaking posts I’ve ever read…but this ragging on your husband. Not so cool.
Grow up already. One of my magnets on my fridge reads: If it weren’t for men I’d have nothing to walk on. I have 4 males in my house. Maybe I should send T one too. “…this ragging on your husband.” LOLOLOL! You’re funny. Outright hilarious.
Did someone piss in your cheerios this morning?
Mel
T – you have the *best* blog that I have ever read. I’m a “lurker” and have never written. Please ignore people like “Tough Love”. Keep writing like you do. You are honest, and what you write about is life, and it is true (life). Not pretty, not made up. Just life. But damn funny.
kateanon
Love this post. Found you today, and this was hysterical.
Is it bad that I wish my husband had made an attempt like this? (Hiding behind a wall for invariable rocks that may be thrown)
tracey
Wow. Is preTzel kidding? Maybe she should go have a glass of wine. And have sex. Seriously. RELAX.
preTzel
tracey Says:
July 16th, 2008 at 5:08 pm
Wow. Is preTzel kidding? Maybe she should go have a glass of wine. And have sex. Seriously. RELAX.
Tracey – I was taking a part a post by “Tough Love”. I didn’t do a very good job separating my points from hers. Maybe this will help:
Her OP:
Tough Love Says:
July 16th, 2008 at 9:55 am
I’ve been reading for a while and I have to say that I think you are pretty damn selfish…and I’m a woman too. I almost lost if over the truck incident when you were so ungrateful that he bought you a completely superfluous truck…and you whined because it wasn’t new and shiny.
Your husband works so you can sit at home and bitch-blog about your life and how hard it is to be married to a man who still desires you and wants to support you and the children. Loves you enough to quit his job to take another one so he can actually spend time with you and your offspring.
Jeez. What a great tragedy. You might actually have to get your ass off the couch, put down the vino, and fix dinner now. He is trying so hard to please you and maybe he needs a little reassurance that you still need/want him.
You do realize, don’t you, that his stability and maturity are probably the only attributes that keeps the adoption agency from shutting their case file permanently.
Yes, you can be funny and you do write some of the most heartbreaking posts I’ve ever read…but this ragging on your husband. Not so cool.
Grow up already.
My post:
preTzel Says:
July 16th, 2008 at 3:44 pm
??? Okay, let’s take your response point by point:
“I’ve been reading for a while and I have to say that I think you are pretty damn selfish…and I’m a woman too”
preTzel’s comment — You must not have been “reading for awhile†because, if you had, you’d know how wrong you are.
“I almost lost if over the truck incident when you were so ungrateful that he bought you a completely superfluous truck…and you whined because it wasn’t new and shiny.”
preTzel’s comment — LOL! A lot of women will “whine†when their spouse doesn’t get them what they want. Doesn’t make them selfish or ungrateful – it makes them HUMAN.
“Your husband works so you can sit at home and bitch-blog about your life and how hard it is to be married to a man who still desires you and wants to support you and the children. Loves you enough to quit his job to take another one so he can actually spend time with you and your offspring. Jeez. What a great tragedy.”
preTzel’s comment — Again LOLOL!~ It used to be standard that women stayed home while the man went out and did work to support his family. These days more men are staying home (go check out a lot of the daddy blogs) and women are the ones bringing home the bread. If T worked and her man stayed home and she still blogged the same would you feel differently? I take it your one of those women that *has* to work because your man doesn’t make enough for you to “stay home and bitch – blogâ€. Jealous much?
“You might actually have to get your ass off the couch, put down the vino, and fix dinner now.”
preTzel’s comment – *snort* I’m still waiting for Mr. to wake up from his “right after work nap†so he can fix dinner and I’ve sat on my ass and “bitch – blog[ged]†all day.
“He is trying so hard to please you and maybe he needs a little reassurance that you still need/want him.”
preTzel’s comment – When my husband starts feeling “needy†he can go out and get him a pet. If the time we’ve been together, had kids together, and fucked hasn’t assured him then I don’t think sticking a double – headed vibrator in my lower holes is going to reassure him either. I think the same can apply to T and her spouse.
“You do realize, don’t you, that his stability and maturity are probably the only attributes that keeps the adoption agency from shutting their case file permanently.”
preTzel’s comment – Me – fucking – OW! What, you got an inside track on this? You know this for fact? Or is this just your jealousy showing through again?
“Yes, you can be funny and you do write some of the most heartbreaking posts I’ve ever read…but this ragging on your husband. Not so cool.
Grow up already.”
preTzel’s comment – One of my magnets on my fridge reads: If it weren’t for men I’d have nothing to walk on. I have 4 males in my house. Maybe I should send T one too. “…this ragging on your husband.†LOLOLOL! You’re funny. Outright hilarious.
preTzel’s comment -Did someone piss in your cheerios this morning?
I was just rebutting the assinine comments that Tough Love felt she needed to say to T. Honestly? I think TL probably needs to get laid, probably needs a good bottle of wine, and a huge ol’ dildo she can name “Buck”.
tookie clothespin
if i didn’t have the neckache from h*** tonight, i would be sitting here laughing my a** off … omg that is the funniest freakin’ thing i’ve read in a long time! thank you for putting a smile on my face!
and btw, you’re not the only one who gets accused of being boring in the bedroom …
Oh, The Joys
I know a deserving resident of the United States who would gladly accept a donated kinky party bag o’ treats… you know… if you needed to get it off your hands.
Kelley
I totally want to marry BackPacking Dad. Or at least be his love slave.
Witty comebacks AND defending my girl?
More of a turn on than doing the dishes or cleaning the toilet…
T, love you more than chocolate. EVEN MORE than the absolutely freaking GORGEOUS kick arse hooker heels I just bought.
Fairly Odd Mother
Recently, my husband said, “hey, I read about a woman who gave her husband sex every night for a year for his 40th birthday”.
I thought, “if you think I’m having sex every night for a year, you are high”.
I said, “and when he turned 41, she turned to him, smiled and said, “OK! You should be all set until 60!”
AFSister
SK sent me.
I have to tell you… been there, done that… and now I’m divorced.
Taking the time to develop your sexual relationship with your husband is really and truly worth the time and effort. Sex was one of the first things to “go” in our marriage, and it’s the one thing I probably really could have done something about.
tas
OMG! I totally saw me and my husband in this post!
new reader coming over from sarcasticmom…..
I just put you in my favourites list…..thank you for the giggle
tas
oh and I too am from the great white north!
Mommy Who?
Sounds like Tough Love’s the one who needs the vibrator… maybe a screaming orgasm would lighten her up a bit.
I, personally, think your blog is hilarious and I only wish I had your nerve to write about vibrators in spite of the in-laws. Mine would be horrified, I don’t think they even like that I occasionally (ok, quite a bit) cuss and write about my boobs.
Keep doin’ what your doin’… making people with an ounce of sense of humor laugh.
Raging Dad
BackPacking Dad. That’s some funny stuff. Asshat. Damn.
Wow, what a post! I just started reading your blog, Tanis, and I’m thrilled to have come across it today. I’ll be coming back for more of your humor, painful as some of it was, being a dopey dad myself!
Vicki
Ok. I’m gonna say this before reading all the other commenters. Get a good beach towel. A really big one. No wet spot. No mess on your nice sheets. And he can have the damn edible underwear. If he expects you to eat it off him, make him shave his nether regions. The first time he knicks his balls he’ll quit asking you to eat the nasty things off him…lol. And don’t let him have all the fun. Get your fav toy and make him watch. That drives a guy crazy. I mean uber crazy. If you can get yours, you won’t be so worried about him getting his…hehe.
Angie
Ha! First time stopping by and what a day to choose!! You just explained my marriage in one post. Hilarious.
We need to come up with a line of sex toys for the guys – see how they like it! With our luck, they will and we will have to do it more often!!
Thanks for the laugh.
P.S. Smart to keep at least one – every girl needs at least one:)