I am no different than most other bloggers who attended BlogHer. I have a whole post percolating in my head that I wanted to share with my peeps, to spew forth and regurgitate about the experience I had in between running around nekkid in San Francisco.
I may get to it. The minty magic of that weekend will be carried in my heart always. However, as I was sitting in the airport, waiting to fly back home and enjoying the nice four hour flight delay the airline bestowed upon me, I received a phone call.
It seems there was a drama unfolding in my family as I was whiling away time in a hard plastic chair, powerless to do anything about it.
One of my family members, whom I love deeply and dearly suffered a major medical emergency. A life and death emergency.
Nothing like flying home wondering if the structure of my family was about to change once again, become one person short of a whole family.
It kind of killed the whole BlogHer buzz I had going on.
Needless to say, when I finally arrived home in the dead of the night, I was hung-over, emotionally bankrupt and stressed out.
What’s a girl to do?
Well, if you happen to be named Tanis, and live out in the middle of nowhere, completely surrounded by trees and mystical forest creatures, you get naked.
(Apparently, this is naked week here over at RNM’s place.)
(Now you will never believe me when I say I’m not starting a small nudist colony on my property. Sigh.)
It was a warm afternoon, and the beautiful blue waters of my pool beckoned me. No one is home, the kids are off visiting friends for the week and my darling and beloved Boo took off for a vacation for some quality man bonding time probably involving large quantities of alcoholic beverages and midget porn while banging on bongo drum in the buff.
(Kidding, darling. Remember, you love me!)
I didn’t bother grabbing a towel, figuring my floors probably needed a little water to drip on them since no one bothered mopping them while I was away.
Kicking my jeans out of the way, I grabbed a nice cold beverage and headed out to my pool. My entirely private, no granola crunchy wom-yn allowed pool.
I did what any mature woman standing completely naked in her yard would do. I yelled “COWABUNGA” and cannon-balled in. (Hard to believe I’m at the height of my maturity. Heh.)
I swam a few laps and pretended I was a dolphin in the cool water, while watching a hummingbird buzz overhead by a pot of petunias.
It was exactly what I needed to shed the stress over my sick family member and work through the emotional entanglement I felt from leaving a loved one behind in San Francisco.
There is nothing quite like the feeling of the warm sun beating down on your head as the water laps at your skin. I started to relax. I didn’t want to go back into the house, I just felt like floating around forever.
Because I’m a moron.
I became so relaxed I fell asleep while lounging in the inflatable lounger bobbing along the surface of my pool.
I didn’t wake up when a small truck came rumbling up my drive way.
I didn’t wake up when two grown men, men who are not accustomed to stumbling upon naked women I might add, got out of their trucks and knocked on my door.
I didn’t even wake up when they walked over to the pool to get more than their fair share of an eyeful.
I did wake up when I heard one of them clear their throats.
Which presented somewhat of a problem. I’m floating naked in my pool and two men who aren’t my husband or my father or (gawd forbid, cuz I’d pluck my eyes out and eat them,) my brother or brother-in laws.
How does one react in this situation? How would you react if you were caught with your hooters hanging loose?
It was one of those moments when my heart literally jumped into my throat and I couldn’t swallow. Time slowed down and I never prayed harder for the world to split open and swallow me whole. The world did not cooperate.
So I was left floating floundering and had to make a decision.
I rolled off the lounger and pretended to have some semblance of grace and dignity and curled my self into a little floating ball and excused my appearance to my unexpected guests.
Guests that only swung by in the first place to hear about how my family member was doing. Guest who now will carry the mental image of me looking like a drown, nekkid rat, trying to play it cool. And failing miserable.
My cheeks (I’m gonna guess all of them) were burning bright red with mortification. I still flame at the memory.
We talked momentarily, and I promised to relay well wishes to my family and I inquired about their’s very politely, considering the circumstances but none of us were really paying attention to one another.
They were too busy looking anywhere but my eyes and I was too busy trying to drown myself from embarrassment. Good times. Goooood times.
Thankfully, my guests were less interested in making small talk and more interested in getting away from the crazy naked lady who was bobbing along like a facking apple in a tub on Halloween night.
Like the perfect gentlemen they were, they hot-footed it back into their truck and squealed rubber as they got the hell out of dodge.
Leaving me bobbing alone, still naked, and really wishing for a stiff drink.
Hi. I’m Tanis Miller. I like to be naked. Please call before you show up at my place. Or you may just get more than tea and cookies when you arrive.
Now I’m off to bury my head in the sand and find a freaking swimsuit.
Learn from me peoples. Consider this my public service announcement for the week.
Thursday, 24 July, 2008 at 21:08
This reminds me of something that happened to me yesterday.
I was home alone and I misplaced my cell phone. I decided to take a shower and find it afterwards. So I get out and start looking. Still in a towel, I walked outside to see if I left it in my car. It wasn’t there. I went to walk back into my house and The door was locked. Being home alone, I had locked all of them before I showered. All my keys were in the house. So, I went to one of the front windows- one that was broken. in the middle of my attempt at breaking in, i cut my finger on the glass. so, i start crying. and then a guy from our power company comes up the driveway and I have to haul butt to get away from being seen wearing nothing but a towel, sobbing and bleeding, trying to break into my own house.
eventually i got in but it was a hell of a day.
=D Hope you’re doing well.
Thursday, 24 July, 2008 at 21:10
This story (though very sad about the family member crisis) reminds me so much of one of my husband’s most embarrassing moments. On the night of the 1994 Northridge earthquake he decided for the first time to sleep in only his underwear. Naturally, his house, 3 miles from the epicenter was demolished and he escaped his house in nothing but his underwear. And since they couldn’t get back into the house, he had to stay in just that for a while. He was 12. And had siblings and neighbors.
It is an important public service announcement. I subsequently always keep clothes nearby.
Thursday, 24 July, 2008 at 23:24
Just wanted to point out YET AGAIN that there are no naked photos on this post. I did read this one, however, because with the title I thought it also might be about chocolate chip cookies. Which I love.
Friday, 25 July, 2008 at 1:20
At least your girls got you comfortable with the whole idea in SF.
The real test is when you have to see these guys again.
Small towns… Small towns.
Friday, 25 July, 2008 at 2:10
Damn girl, we so need to get together. Cause I am constantly revealing my arse unintentionally to acquaintances.
We could make it like a sport or something.
But you would beat me in the hotness…
Friday, 25 July, 2008 at 5:36
Let me just say, as one who has been coitus interruptus due to stupid people who “drop by” for whatever asinine reason, I feel your pain.
The latest for me was being back in the bedroom with the Redneck “catching up” (or what ever euphemism you want to call it. My kids call it “Mommy and Daddy time”) and the heater guy (who disappeared after ripping out our wall heater and dumping it in the front yard) shows up…without calling, without anything.
The kids let him in.
AND told him we were in the bedroom…..having “Mommy and Daddy time”.
I wanted to die.
Those men were very lucky to get an eyeful. Just sayin’.
Friday, 25 July, 2008 at 5:38
Oh, and I’m totally bummed that you were JUST in SF and I’ll be there next Wednesday for a writer’s conference. Too bad they weren’t at the same time. I’d have made a supreme effort to meet you.
And I hope your family member is doing okay.
Friday, 25 July, 2008 at 5:47
Oh god.
Friday, 25 July, 2008 at 7:32
Tanis, you do tickle my heart!
What kinda visitor thinks cruising around the back of the house is the polite thing to do? Once you’ve crossed the front fenceline anything is fair game. Rock on with the nekkid! If my house wasn’t within spitting distance to my neighbors, I might consider it.
Friday, 25 July, 2008 at 7:55
Hope all is going well with your family member.
I am laughing so hard *with* you, not at you! See this is reason #643 on why not to have a pool.
Friday, 25 July, 2008 at 8:34
Could I love you more?
I think not.
Hope your family member is ok.
Friday, 25 July, 2008 at 9:03
I hope your family situation is improving. I’ll keep you in my thoughts.
What a great way to spend your weekend; naked and in the smooth feel of water. That’ll teach them to call before showing up.
Friday, 25 July, 2008 at 9:13
Think of it this way. You probably did those guys a public service. They’ll have a story to tell at the bars for years to come.
I hope things improve for your family member.
Friday, 25 July, 2008 at 9:40
Never a dull moment on this blog!
ha
excellent writing BTW
Friday, 25 July, 2008 at 10:10
Okay, what kind of people CLEAR THEIR THROATS and wake up the sleeping naked woman? That is the point at which they should snicker and run back to their truck, no?
That said, I hope your family member is okay.
And it was such a pleasure seeing you again at BlogHer. I never feel like I get to spend enough time with you, though. And you’re too, too gorgeous for words. Mwah.
Friday, 25 July, 2008 at 10:55
ROTFLMAO!!!!!!! I needed that laugh today!
Friday, 25 July, 2008 at 11:00
Naked at BlogHer, naked at home, but there are still a whole lotta naked venues for you to explore.
Friday, 25 July, 2008 at 11:24
I was wandering casually around my kitchen one day, sans clothes, and looked up…. to see my father-in-law standing at the front door in UTTER HORROR.
WE have never spoken of this.
Friday, 25 July, 2008 at 13:23
Hope you didn’t burn your nips!
Friday, 25 July, 2008 at 17:19
OMG, I am ROTFL my (non-naked) arse off!!!!!! That is the funniest thing EVER!!!! And you were so poised!
Friday, 25 July, 2008 at 17:24
If they were really gentlemen, they would have called first! And I can’t decide which one to vote for! I kinda swing toward the whole Mrs. Robinson let it all hang out and watch them squirm thing.
Friday, 25 July, 2008 at 19:38
But, aren’t you sunburned too? In awful places.
Friday, 25 July, 2008 at 19:42
what type of dog is your dog?
(T, baby, my youngest daughter was sitting behind me when I clicked over your way. She said ‘is dat appropriate for me?’ And then she saw the pic of Nixon. Hence teh comment. then she saw the cartoon of the half nekkid people.
she wrote the comment under my instruction. thanks hon…..
Friday, 25 July, 2008 at 20:17
Oh the shame! The absolute horror. Hopefully those men were people that you will never have to lay your eyes on again? Maybe?
Friday, 25 July, 2008 at 20:45
I bet those guys show up every day for the rest of your life. If they were there to fix the cable I bet the cable guys fight over who gets to go out to see you. Think of it this way…you’ll get excellent service.
Friday, 25 July, 2008 at 22:15
Those guys will be home tonight talking about “That chick with the tits”! And YOU will be THAT chick.
I got your email and I’m working to answer it back. But know you have a very special place in my heart.
Friday, 25 July, 2008 at 22:17
Holy crap! You live the total rock star life. I always thought Canadians were no fun. You, proved me wrong. Rock on with your naked self.
Friday, 25 July, 2008 at 23:09
Okay – I totally used to lose the clothes (well, I kept my panties – I HATE that word! – on since I didn’t live in the woods and I did have neighbours and it was usually in the middle of the day) and jump into our family’s pool when my parents were out of town and no one was home. I imagine a neighbour or two might have seen me, but I didn’t care. I was too lazy to go inside and get changed. I was hot and jumping in the pool felt about as refreshing and freeing as anything.
If only I had a pool now…
I am in Canada too.
Saturday, 26 July, 2008 at 7:55
My BIL saw my nipple during a swimsuit malfunction this summer. I feel your pain!
Saturday, 26 July, 2008 at 13:20
Too funny! Reminds me of my own embarrassing topless sunning story. My pool is pretty private with surrounding trees. The neighbor to the left can see into my yard from their bedroom deck but I felt safe to get naked since it’s a deck they rarely use. That was until my housekeeper started working for them and she informed me that there are a pair of binoculars hidden behind the drapes of their bedroom window. Now I’m left wondering if the neighbor is just bird watching or boob watching.
Saturday, 26 July, 2008 at 13:49
That is some of the funniest reading I have had in a long while. That being said I hope your family member is doing well and recovering quickly.
My dad told me about he and his wife hot-tubbing nekkid in the winter and how he was afraid he was going to slip on the ice and get stuck on his deck like a tongue to a frozen telephone pole and how the fire department would have to come and unstick him….yeah how’s that for a mental picture.
Saturday, 26 July, 2008 at 14:58
You are too funny Tanis. How do these things happen to you?! I hope your family member has or will recover.
Saturday, 26 July, 2008 at 19:41
But you weren’t REALLY naked were you? Now THAT would have been even more interesting. Himself and I tend to do the naked swimming thing at night. We were only sprung once by his teenage son coming home through the back gate after a big night out…..hopefully the alcohol worked its magic on his memory.
Saturday, 26 July, 2008 at 20:20
Oh my god this is my first time here and you hve me cracking up. I wish I could be like that but I live in a townhouse in a really crowded area, and there’s just nowhere to get caught nekkid. Probably for the best, but you do make it sound fun. I hope everything goes well with your family member.
Sunday, 27 July, 2008 at 0:10
oh, good lord.
Sunday, 27 July, 2008 at 9:48
Oh my gosh. I don’t know how I would have handled that situation. The embarrassment would have killed me.
Sunday, 27 July, 2008 at 18:02
It’s probably gross and not right, but, umm, ah hell, here goes, I saw you at BlogHer, I bet it would have been a mighty stiff drink.
Sunday, 27 July, 2008 at 22:34
Only you T, only you.
Thanks love, I needed the laugh
Monday, 28 July, 2008 at 7:16
How embarassing!!! Thanks for the giggle…
I found you through the article on bloggers in the Calgary Herald today.
Monday, 28 July, 2008 at 7:50
I need to know – did you get all-over sunburn? ;o)
Monday, 28 July, 2008 at 7:59
Definitely worse than the steaming August day I was strutting around my non-air-conditioned third story apartment with floor to window ceilings in no underwear and skimpy lingerie to avoid dying of heat stroke and noticed the chin and torso of the man on a ladder on the other side of my window painting the house and window frames.
Or all the times a landlord or stray policeman or UPS guy shows up when I am mid-flu, or unshowered, unbrushed, and braless.
I would have laughed so hard!
Monday, 28 July, 2008 at 8:17
Lord, Bossy doesn’t have to learn from you: She would never let her husband see her naked, let alone her pool. Wait – Bossy doesn’t have a pool…
Hope your family member is healing…
Monday, 28 July, 2008 at 8:25
Tanis, you crack me up! I found by way of Danny… He said you were funny. That is a bit of an understatement!
I hope all is well with your family member!
If you are ever in Calgary give me a call and we can meet for coffee.
Tuesday, 29 July, 2008 at 4:23
oh bless your heart. I’m mortified for you! I hope your family member is okay!
Tuesday, 29 July, 2008 at 8:54
I was perusing around blogland today and stumbled across this post. TOO FRIGGIN’ FUNNY! Glad I came here cause I sure needed that laugh. Looking forward revisiting your blog…
Tuesday, 29 July, 2008 at 16:29
That has to be one of the funniest things I’ve read in a long time. I would have been completely mortified. I’m sure I would not have been able to move fast enough.
Hope your family member is doing okay.
Thursday, 31 July, 2008 at 12:59
Sort of reminds me of when I got an aerial picture of our hause left at the front door by someone trying to sell it to me. My first thought was, “I’m glad I didn’t pick that day to dance naked in the back yard!”
Tuesday, 12 August, 2008 at 13:56
I found your site on technorati and read a few of your other posts. Keep up the good work. I just added your RSS feed to my Google News Reader. Looking forward to reading more from you down the road!
Thursday, 14 August, 2008 at 9:41
I just discovered your blog and immediately subscribed in Google Reader after I read this hilarious, laugh-out-loud post. Bravo.