I am no different than most other bloggers who attended BlogHer. I have a whole post percolating in my head that I wanted to share with my peeps, to spew forth and regurgitate about the experience I had in between running around nekkid in San Francisco.

I may get to it. The minty magic of that weekend will be carried in my heart always. However, as I was sitting in the airport, waiting to fly back home and enjoying the nice four hour flight delay the airline bestowed upon me, I received a phone call.

It seems there was a drama unfolding in my family as I was whiling away time in a hard plastic chair, powerless to do anything about it.

One of my family members, whom I love deeply and dearly suffered a major medical emergency. A life and death emergency.

Nothing like flying home wondering if the structure of my family was about to change once again, become one person short of a whole family.

It kind of killed the whole BlogHer buzz I had going on.

Needless to say, when I finally arrived home in the dead of the night, I was hung-over, emotionally bankrupt and stressed out.

What’s a girl to do?

Well, if you happen to be named Tanis, and live out in the middle of nowhere, completely surrounded by trees and mystical forest creatures, you get naked.

(Apparently, this is naked week here over at RNM’s place.)

(Now you will never believe me when I say I’m not starting a small nudist colony on my property. Sigh.)

It was a warm afternoon, and the beautiful blue waters of my pool beckoned me. No one is home, the kids are off visiting friends for the week and my darling and beloved Boo took off for a vacation for some quality man bonding time probably involving large quantities of alcoholic beverages and midget porn while banging on bongo drum in the buff.

(Kidding, darling. Remember, you love me!)

I didn’t bother grabbing a towel, figuring my floors probably needed a little water to drip on them since no one bothered mopping them while I was away.

Kicking my jeans out of the way, I grabbed a nice cold beverage and headed out to my pool. My entirely private, no granola crunchy wom-yn allowed pool.

I did what any mature woman standing completely naked in her yard would do. I yelled “COWABUNGA” and cannon-balled in. (Hard to believe I’m at the height of my maturity. Heh.)

I swam a few laps and pretended I was a dolphin in the cool water, while watching a hummingbird buzz overhead by a pot of petunias.

It was exactly what I needed to shed the stress over my sick family member and work through the emotional entanglement I felt from leaving a loved one behind in San Francisco.

There is nothing quite like the feeling of the warm sun beating down on your head as the water laps at your skin. I started to relax. I didn’t want to go back into the house, I just felt like floating around forever.

Because I’m a moron.

I became so relaxed I fell asleep while lounging in the inflatable lounger bobbing along the surface of my pool.

I didn’t wake up when a small truck came rumbling up my drive way.

I didn’t wake up when two grown men, men who are not accustomed to stumbling upon naked women I might add, got out of their trucks and knocked on my door.

I didn’t even wake up when they walked over to the pool to get more than their fair share of an eyeful.

I did wake up when I heard one of them clear their throats.

Which presented somewhat of a problem. I’m floating naked in my pool and two men who aren’t my husband or my father or (gawd forbid, cuz I’d pluck my eyes out and eat them,) my brother or brother-in laws.

How does one react in this situation? How would you react if you were caught with your hooters hanging loose?

It was one of those moments when my heart literally jumped into my throat and I couldn’t swallow. Time slowed down and I never prayed harder for the world to split open and swallow me whole. The world did not cooperate.

So I was left floating floundering and had to make a decision.

I rolled off the lounger and pretended to have some semblance of grace and dignity and curled my self into a little floating ball and excused my appearance to my unexpected guests.

Guests that only swung by in the first place to hear about how my family member was doing. Guest who now will carry the mental image of me looking like a drown, nekkid rat, trying to play it cool. And failing miserable.

My cheeks (I’m gonna guess all of them) were burning bright red with mortification. I still flame at the memory.

We talked momentarily, and I promised to relay well wishes to my family and I inquired about their’s very politely, considering the circumstances but none of us were really paying attention to one another.

They were too busy looking anywhere but my eyes and I was too busy trying to drown myself from embarrassment. Good times. Goooood times.

Thankfully, my guests were less interested in making small talk and more interested in getting away from the crazy naked lady who was bobbing along like a facking apple in a tub on Halloween night.

Like the perfect gentlemen they were, they hot-footed it back into their truck and squealed rubber as they got the hell out of dodge.

Leaving me bobbing alone, still naked, and really wishing for a stiff drink.

Hi. I’m Tanis Miller. I like to be naked. Please call before you show up at my place. Or you may just get more than tea and cookies when you arrive.

Now I’m off to bury my head in the sand and find a freaking swimsuit.

Learn from me peoples. Consider this my public service announcement for the week.