This weekend, the hubs and I had the pleasure of attending a dear friend’s wedding.
When I say pleasure, I mean I wobbled around in brand new killer heels until my feet were nothing more than shredded bloody stumps all the while trying to fight off my husband’s drunken amorous attempts to convince me to have sex in the coat room while every one else nibbled on wedding cake.
As he so thoughtfully pointed out in a slurred voice, it’ll get me off my feet at the very least. How does one resist such romantic thoughtfulness?
In general, I hate weddings. Not my own of course, but at my own wedding I was almost five months pregnant and my husband treated me like a fragile princess, catering to my every whim and desire while a hundred people paid homage to my beauty and the great love Boo and I share.
At other peoples wedding, I am just some schlepp tottering about in shoes no woman has any business wearing while trying to remember to make sure her skirt isn’t tucked into the back of her underwear after she goes to the bathroom.
My husband however, (bless him, he’s a romantic sap,) loves weddings. He says he loves them because it reminds him of our great romance and makes him appreciate how blessed he is to have fallen in love with the most wonderful woman in the world.
I think he loves weddings because he knows he looks great in a suit and he can spend his time freely flirting with other women while feeling them up on the dance floor. It’s a free pass to let his lecherous nature run rampant.
Either way, he’s always the romantic dynamo of our duo while I quietly bitch about my feet, the food and that one broad who is obviously gunning for my man. Husband stealin’ ho. Heh.
Because Boo and I have been married so long, we no longer feel the need to remain glued to one another’s side as we mingle. This gives him the freedom to talk smack about his wife to the boys and make googly eyes at all the pretty ladies while I generally hide in the washroom or by the bar.
Circumstance and happen chance led us to the same place at the same time, where the bride was taking a quiet minute alone from her guests, absorbing her special day and probably freaking the fack out about hitching herself to one man for the rest of her life.
(Okay, that is totally just my editorial opinion. But it’s my blog. Heh.)
The truth was, she was just then realizing she would no longer be the person she was the day before. Or at least, she would no longer carry the same name, the same identity. Now she was someone’s wife, where before she had only ever been a girlfriend and a daddy’s girl.
She was having trouble coming to terms with her new marital name. Not that there was anything wrong with it. It was a nice name. Nothing like Humpadick or such. It just wasn’t the name she held dear to her heart and wore like a comfortable pair of shoes her entire life.
Boo, being old fashioned and logical, (I hate that about him sometimes. Completely annoys me with his rationality,) was quick to hug his dear friend and told her she was still the same person and she would be quick to embrace her new name and her new identity. He explained that what she was feeling was normal and would pass and the greatest honor a woman could do for the man she loved was take his name.
The bride, glowing with radiant beauty already, perked up at this, smiled and looked at me and asked if I agreed. If I thought that was true.
(I have to tell you, in the milliseconds that she stood there looking at me, waiting for my response, I’d rather have been stripped naked, tied to the back of a horse and dragged through a field of thorny cacti.)
I blinked and felt blood rush to my cheeks as I gulped and avoided making eye contact with my husband.
“Um, I guess so, sure, why not,” I prattled on while hoping that someone, anyone would interrupt us and whisk me off to the dance floor. No such luck. Not another soul in sight. Because that’s the way life facking works. When you need a knight in shining armour they are all too busy getting plastered at the open bar to come and save you from awkward questions.
“How long did it take you to get used to having a new last name?” the bride innocently inquired as my husband stood there drilling holes into my head with his laser beam eyes.
“Uh, well you see,” I uncomfortably stammered, “I uh, never did change my name.”
“Oh.” The bride looked at Boo, waiting for his response.
Boo of course, took it as an invitation to jump on his soap box and lecture me before a captive audience, verbally lashing at me for years of prancing around with my maiden name.
“Like I said earlier, it is a true honor for a wife to take her husband’s name. It shows how much she loves him and blah blah blah.” I may have tuned him out having had this same lecture tossed at me for the duration of our eleven years of marriage.
The bride, being a graceful and sensitive soul, sensed my discomfort and offered to go refill my drink. I tried to go with her but Boo reached out and grabbed my arm, yanking me back to his side and almost tearing off my limb in the process.
“Ow,” I whined as I rubbed my arm.
“You once promised me you would change your name, Tanis. How long do I have to wait before that happens?”
I thought of being flip and snarky with him, but his big blue eyes stood looking at me, filled with curiosity and love and perhaps even a few flecks of disappointment. I decided to take another route. A more sincere route.
I stuck out my breasticles, batted my eyes and tried to look pathetic and torn. I hear men are suckers for that.
“I don’t know Boo. But I said I will, and I mean it. I just need more time to get used to the idea.”
He snorted and rolled his eyes. “Ya. Cuz eleven years is such a short time. Gimme a break.”
Sensing this could quickly boil over into a full fledged argument, I leaned closer and breathed into his ear, “I will give you a break. But how ’bout I give you something else right now instead? Something a little more personal.”
Boo is a smart man and knows when to shut up and smile. He smiled down at me and grinned.
And that’s when I led him (like a horny little puppy dog) to the bar, shoved a beer in his hand and told him to drink up. Hopefully I could get him drunk enough to forget the whole damn thing. And I did. Heh.
Until the next wedding we have to attend.
I freaking hate weddings.
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So peoples, chime in. Did you change your name? For my three male readers, did you expect your wives to change their name? I’ve decided to let the internets settle this argument and see who’s right or wrong.
Everyone knows everything you read on the interweb is true.
Amy
I’m currently trying to decide… My main reason not to is that the paperwork is annoying though so who knows whether I will or not. It’s not a great reason but it’s a lazy reason so that makes me think it might stay the same lol.
Casey
I voted that I’m on the fence but I’m actually in the midst of changing my name. I definitely have my reservations about it but honestly, it is sooo important to my husband that I am doing it solely for him. His face lit up the day my new social security card came. Maybe you could hyphenate? It was really hard to surrender the identity I’ve carried for more than a quarter of a century. Men will never know what that feels like. Tell him he’s free to change his name to yours, or that you could make up a new name and have everyone’s changed!
JOsh
So, I must #2 of 3 men reading your blog… I just look for the mentioning of nudity! *kidding*
My wife changed her name, but I didn’t pressure her to do so. I think I would wonder if she was in it for the long haul if she didn’t want to… but I think it probably wouldn’t matter that much… however, the kids are not getting a hyphen name!
Backpacking Dad
I didn’t expect my wife to change her name, but I think she expected to change it. Although, confusingly, I once got a piece of mail addressed to “Mr. Shawn Williams”, which would be, um, HER, last name.
Karen
I changed my name, but my first motivation was not one of love and devotion. Instead, I was itching to get rid of my maiden name. It’s a barely pronounceable clusterfuck of letters that was that was often pronounced as “Vagina-land” by telemarketers.
Now, had my maiden name been something more generic, I might not have changed it.
Sarah
I did not change my last name. Completely. There are five million reasons for this, but in the end my husband and I reached an agreement.
He took my maiden name in his middle name. I added his last name to the end of mine. Each of our children will have my maiden name as a middle name, to keep us all linked together with one name even if our girls get married and change their last name.
It worked for us, but it doesn’t work for everyone. To be honest, I think names are very personal, very much a part of who we are and how we interact with our families. I don’t think anyone should expect another person to give up their name – the very first gift their parents gave them, the only thing they’re born with and the only thing they take with them when they die. I think changing someone’s name should be a decision made only when their partner understands the sacrifice involved.
Maria
I think your husband is awesomely sweet.
I changed my name. But I only did it because my maiden name was Hucks. I dealt all through childhood with people changing it to ‘Maria Sucks’. ‘Maria Fucks’. ‘Maria Diarrhea Fucks and Sucks’.
Stop laughing. STOP laughing Tanis. I swear to God.
Be glad you’re in Canada.
Jia@ColorMeUntypical
Okay, so I meant to change my name, but since I was cursed with laziness at a very young age, spending more than ten minutes at the social security office just doesn’t happen very often. That, and it’s all the way across town. I changed it on my Drivers License, but never legally on my SS Card. I tried once, and even have a piece of paper to prove it, but then four weeks went by and I never got the card in the mail, so I called the place and they said that something happened (they don’t know what) and his name didn’t take so I have to go back and do it again. It took me 4 years to go down the first time, I’m thinking another 4 might be the trick. Then again, third time’s a charm. . . check back with me in 8 years.
ScientistMother
I changed my last name but it took me over a year to do it and I struggled with losing my maiden name. The mister didn’t care if I did take his name or not, but he was adamant that any kids born would have only his name (no hypens). My MIL was probably more upset about my hesitation more than anyone else.
Raychelle
I did change my name, but I definitely took my time. I kept my maiden name as my middle name and tend to use it at work a lot still. It was hard letting go of the original last name…especially b/c I didn’t & don’t particularly like my new last name…it’s not pretty. But, I love the husband & I’m sorta traditional (blush).
Earth Girl
I didn’t change my name until we adopted older special needs twins. When the boys assumed my husband’s name at baptism to signify that we were a forever family (even though the adoption wasn’t final), how could I keep a different name? So I changed my name on the same day, but I kept my maiden name as a middle name.
KMR
NO WAY! My first marriage I changed my name, and believe me I regretted it. After I got separated and then divorced (took over a year to get divorced) I had nothing but issues with changing my last name back to my maiden name (and gee I had my maiden name a heck of a lot longer). Married again, for the past 17 years, and there is no way I will ever change my last name. And I hate being called Mrs., yuck.
Lori
I had no intention of changing my name (married for the first time at 42), actually never even crossed my mind to do or not do. But… in an off-hand comment my soon-to-be-husband let me know that it never crossed his mind that I wouldn’t. I mentioned it to my mother who convinced me it was more important to the soon-to-be-husband than I realised. So I changed it. And when we got home from the honeymoon I found new credit cards and a checkbook in the mail in my married name. I decided my drivers license should match the credit card and promptly changed my name.
Erin
The very thought of changing my name seemed ridiculous to me. It’s MY NAME! However, where we live only outcasts and people seeking attention don’t change their name. This didn’t bother me at all. It bothered my husband though. It was always a bone of contention. Two months ago, my daughter got made fun of at school for it. Around here a mommy with a different last name is a sign of divorce or illegitimacy. Crackheads. So off I went and added my husband (and kids) last name to the end of my own. No hyphen. It took a number of tries for a very rude B*tch at the BMV to get my license right. I still forget to add their last name when making calls or giving my name to someone but my daughter reminds me. I just wonder when it will quit feeling like a lie!
Annabelle@Christian Momma
Yep, I changed my name. I never even questioned it, it was just something I did.
Casie
i didn’t enjoy switching names but it DOES make it easier to get money out of his bank account
Mz. Nesbit
Ha! I never changed my name either!
Florencia
This is not something we do in our country but being here and on the *advice* of an INS officer I reluctantly hyphenated both our last names, as a compromise. I don’t like it. I was somebody else for 27 years, you know? And it means a lot, it means a whole family that exists behind that name. You should never do something to make someone else feel good about it even if it means you won’t be happy too. Stick to your guns, woman!
SciFi Dad
My sister has struggled with this throughout her 20 years of marriage. First she was hyphenated, then no hyphen (but still two surnames) and finally stuck with just her maiden name.
My wife struggled with it, although in retrospect I believe a lot of it was pressure from her parents, who had two daughters and therefore felt compelled to use guilt. Ultimately, she changed her name (she had made up her mind long before the actual wedding), mainly because she associated name with family (which I totally get, but don’t necessarily completely agree – as in, some people can have different names and be in the same family) and also she wanted all of us (her, me, and the kids) to have the same surname.
As for you? I voted Yes, but not necessarily meaning for you to drop your maiden name. (There was only one option to select change, so I took it.) I think if your name is important to you, and his name is important to him, then perhaps a hyphenated name would satisfy both of you. Ultimately though, it is your call. Whether or not you let his wants influence yours is up to you.
Devan
I don’t think you should change it if you don’t want to.