This weekend, the hubs and I had the pleasure of attending a dear friend’s wedding.
When I say pleasure, I mean I wobbled around in brand new killer heels until my feet were nothing more than shredded bloody stumps all the while trying to fight off my husband’s drunken amorous attempts to convince me to have sex in the coat room while every one else nibbled on wedding cake.
As he so thoughtfully pointed out in a slurred voice, it’ll get me off my feet at the very least. How does one resist such romantic thoughtfulness?
In general, I hate weddings. Not my own of course, but at my own wedding I was almost five months pregnant and my husband treated me like a fragile princess, catering to my every whim and desire while a hundred people paid homage to my beauty and the great love Boo and I share.
At other peoples wedding, I am just some schlepp tottering about in shoes no woman has any business wearing while trying to remember to make sure her skirt isn’t tucked into the back of her underwear after she goes to the bathroom.
My husband however, (bless him, he’s a romantic sap,) loves weddings. He says he loves them because it reminds him of our great romance and makes him appreciate how blessed he is to have fallen in love with the most wonderful woman in the world.
I think he loves weddings because he knows he looks great in a suit and he can spend his time freely flirting with other women while feeling them up on the dance floor. It’s a free pass to let his lecherous nature run rampant.
Either way, he’s always the romantic dynamo of our duo while I quietly bitch about my feet, the food and that one broad who is obviously gunning for my man. Husband stealin’ ho. Heh.
Because Boo and I have been married so long, we no longer feel the need to remain glued to one another’s side as we mingle. This gives him the freedom to talk smack about his wife to the boys and make googly eyes at all the pretty ladies while I generally hide in the washroom or by the bar.
Circumstance and happen chance led us to the same place at the same time, where the bride was taking a quiet minute alone from her guests, absorbing her special day and probably freaking the fack out about hitching herself to one man for the rest of her life.
(Okay, that is totally just my editorial opinion. But it’s my blog. Heh.)
The truth was, she was just then realizing she would no longer be the person she was the day before. Or at least, she would no longer carry the same name, the same identity. Now she was someone’s wife, where before she had only ever been a girlfriend and a daddy’s girl.
She was having trouble coming to terms with her new marital name. Not that there was anything wrong with it. It was a nice name. Nothing like Humpadick or such. It just wasn’t the name she held dear to her heart and wore like a comfortable pair of shoes her entire life.
Boo, being old fashioned and logical, (I hate that about him sometimes. Completely annoys me with his rationality,) was quick to hug his dear friend and told her she was still the same person and she would be quick to embrace her new name and her new identity. He explained that what she was feeling was normal and would pass and the greatest honor a woman could do for the man she loved was take his name.
The bride, glowing with radiant beauty already, perked up at this, smiled and looked at me and asked if I agreed. If I thought that was true.
(I have to tell you, in the milliseconds that she stood there looking at me, waiting for my response, I’d rather have been stripped naked, tied to the back of a horse and dragged through a field of thorny cacti.)
I blinked and felt blood rush to my cheeks as I gulped and avoided making eye contact with my husband.
“Um, I guess so, sure, why not,” I prattled on while hoping that someone, anyone would interrupt us and whisk me off to the dance floor. No such luck. Not another soul in sight. Because that’s the way life facking works. When you need a knight in shining armour they are all too busy getting plastered at the open bar to come and save you from awkward questions.
“How long did it take you to get used to having a new last name?” the bride innocently inquired as my husband stood there drilling holes into my head with his laser beam eyes.
“Uh, well you see,” I uncomfortably stammered, “I uh, never did change my name.”
“Oh.” The bride looked at Boo, waiting for his response.
Boo of course, took it as an invitation to jump on his soap box and lecture me before a captive audience, verbally lashing at me for years of prancing around with my maiden name.
“Like I said earlier, it is a true honor for a wife to take her husband’s name. It shows how much she loves him and blah blah blah.” I may have tuned him out having had this same lecture tossed at me for the duration of our eleven years of marriage.
The bride, being a graceful and sensitive soul, sensed my discomfort and offered to go refill my drink. I tried to go with her but Boo reached out and grabbed my arm, yanking me back to his side and almost tearing off my limb in the process.
“Ow,” I whined as I rubbed my arm.
“You once promised me you would change your name, Tanis. How long do I have to wait before that happens?”
I thought of being flip and snarky with him, but his big blue eyes stood looking at me, filled with curiosity and love and perhaps even a few flecks of disappointment. I decided to take another route. A more sincere route.
I stuck out my breasticles, batted my eyes and tried to look pathetic and torn. I hear men are suckers for that.
“I don’t know Boo. But I said I will, and I mean it. I just need more time to get used to the idea.”
He snorted and rolled his eyes. “Ya. Cuz eleven years is such a short time. Gimme a break.”
Sensing this could quickly boil over into a full fledged argument, I leaned closer and breathed into his ear, “I will give you a break. But how ’bout I give you something else right now instead? Something a little more personal.”
Boo is a smart man and knows when to shut up and smile. He smiled down at me and grinned.
And that’s when I led him (like a horny little puppy dog) to the bar, shoved a beer in his hand and told him to drink up. Hopefully I could get him drunk enough to forget the whole damn thing. And I did. Heh.
Until the next wedding we have to attend.
I freaking hate weddings.
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So peoples, chime in. Did you change your name? For my three male readers, did you expect your wives to change their name? I’ve decided to let the internets settle this argument and see who’s right or wrong.
Everyone knows everything you read on the interweb is true.
Thursday, 7 August, 2008 at 16:06
Well I took the a&*holes name when I married him becuz it was the thing to do so all five of the kids have that last name too. When he decided to walk out I kept the f#cking name becuz it was my kids name. My kids hate the bastard and want to change their name to my maiden name but the bastard won’t let them. I don’t know why its so important I kinda wish I hadn’t changed it in the beginning but now the f#cker is remarried and she kept her first marriages name and added his name with a hyphen. How so f#cked up is that?
Thursday, 7 August, 2008 at 16:08
Do or don’t (although I can’t believe he hasn’t given up on the whole thing yet, holy cow) but please, my darling goddess of intarwebs, DON’T hyphen. For all things holy, please don’t be a hyphenator.
Thursday, 7 August, 2008 at 16:17
I will change my name in a hot second, but only because my last name totally sucks ass and his doesn’t.
Thursday, 7 August, 2008 at 16:54
I actually begged my wife not to change her name. She didn’t listen to me.
She still doesn’t.
Thursday, 7 August, 2008 at 17:04
I didn’t change my last name.
No big reason why, I am just too lazy. It also helps to be able to introduce yourself as Kim (lastnamethatstartswithaC) to people around here, because the name carries a certain reputation that might get me a LITTLE better treatment, a discount, or out of a ticket. (The reputation isn’t money- we have no money- people just know my family here and my husband’s family isn’t from here- so it makes sense. am rambling, feel like a fool KTHXBYE)
Thursday, 7 August, 2008 at 17:11
I changed my name, but only because I’d already gone & soiled my maiden name.
Thursday, 7 August, 2008 at 17:23
Not only did I not change my name, our kids (made after getting married) have my name as well!
My last name was so important to me. its ridiculously long, not pronounceable unless you are from tribal africa, and comprised nearly entirely of consonants. Still, it carries the history of my parents struggle into Canada as refugees. We are all daughters, so if I didn’t pass the name on to my little ones, it wouldn’t survive……
The kids are going to hate me for it when one of them finally learns to spell their name……
Thursday, 7 August, 2008 at 17:29
It’s not Humpadink, is it?
I took my husband’s name but only to get rid of my first husband’s name. Seemed like a good enough reason to me.
Thursday, 7 August, 2008 at 17:42
Ask him to change his, new traditions can be just as important as old ones.
Thursday, 7 August, 2008 at 18:24
Changed mine when I got married, changed it back when I got divorced, decided I will NEVER change it again.
Thursday, 7 August, 2008 at 18:42
I don’t know if there’s a real reason why you haven’t changed your name, you don’t mention any. If there isn’t then hell yeah, woman, do it! It sounds like it really means something to your lovin’ man. So if it doesn’t really matter to you, then why the fack not?? heh, I said fack. I changed my name, but I wasn’t too attached to my maiden name, and I LOVE being Mrs. Harrington. love it!
xo
b.
Thursday, 7 August, 2008 at 19:06
Been a very long time since I commented, but this was a particularly thorny issue for us…I didn’t want to change it; he REALLY wanted me to. I told him we could come up with a new name together and he balked royally.
I said if it was that important, I’d trade my name in for his but it was gonna cost him. My non-travelling (read: would NEVER spend money on a trip unless it was to Vegas with the boys) accountant husband agreed to take me on four big trips: Ireland, Atlantic Canada, France/Italy and England/Scotland.
Also, every one of our kids would receive my unmarried name as one of their middle ones.
I’ve already cashed in on the first two trips – those had to happen pre-babies as per our agreement – and our first babe has two middle names, including mine. Our deal isn’t everyone’s cuppa, but it worked for us.
Thursday, 7 August, 2008 at 20:07
I am all for whatever works for both of you. It was my decision to change my name, and I am glad that I did. And now our last name reflects our joint dutch heritage. It’s really funny when people read your name on a credit card, and say “Oh isn’t that Dutch?” Well it is, but that doesn’t truly mean that I am.
Thursday, 7 August, 2008 at 20:14
T -
He loves you. He loves all of you. He should also love your last name whether it’s his or yours. Some men take their wives last names too.
I gladly changed mine to what DH’s was. I was ready to get rid of it and shed myself of its cumbersome title. Ugh. It was LONG and no one could pronounce it right.
Now it’s short and no one can pronounce it right.
Can’t win for losing.
P
Thursday, 7 August, 2008 at 20:22
Since my maiden name was SMITH I was ready to marry anyone who HAD a last name . So I happily changed my name to my DH’s without even looking back.
Thursday, 7 August, 2008 at 20:47
When I got married I took my husband’s name. Why? Because I worshiped the ground he walked on — NOT! Because it was pure poetry and made my name sound more beautiful — NOT! I took his name because I was so sick and tired of hearing people say “Oh, I’m sorry that position has already been filled” when I applied for a job using my maiden name. So now I have a respectable last name of English origin, and I get all the way to the personal interview before I get that totally shocked look from the interviewer, because he/she never imagined I might be a minority.
Thursday, 7 August, 2008 at 21:02
We just got married, but not actually legally because there was a typo on our marriage license. Eventually I’ll change my name, but only because his is hilarious and it offers me so many opportunities to screw my future kids up.
Kidding! (Mostly)
Thursday, 7 August, 2008 at 21:09
I was raised so traditionally conservative that it never even occurred to me that I could keep my own name, even though my married last name rhymes with my first name. That was for “super liberal militant feminists.” But now when I’m trying to track down old girlfriends, or doing genealogy it is so frustrating coming to dead ends because women changed their names. As far as genealogy it’s as if women’s identities are nonexistant prior to being married – it’s so hard to find out maiden names.
I do have a few friends who haven’t changed their names when they got married, but they now live in foreign countries where women don’t change their names. If I had it to do over again I would probably hyphenate.
Thursday, 7 August, 2008 at 21:16
I immediatly changed my name BOTH times… and I didn’t bother to change it back to my maiden between marriages.
My take… my name is an identity of sorts, my identity while I belong to my Father’s family. Once I belonged to my Husbands family, I should share that name. My kids compounded that… I wanted to have the same last name as my children.
After my divorce, I still had the same name as the kids, then I remarried and for a while didn’t. Then the kids wanted to be the same so they asked to change their names to mine.
It’s name… not an identity… more of a unity.
Cheers!
Jamie
Thursday, 7 August, 2008 at 22:49
My husband and I both hyphenated. Fortunately both names were pretty short so the result is still reasonable. He insisted that his name be the first in the name… which made it easier to remember and kept him from being re-alphabetized. Unfortunately that means that for folks/mail systems that don’t get the hyphen, it looks like his name is my old last name. But I really really appreciated my husband’s willingness to do this. We have a kid now and she knows that she’ll have to figure something out someday… but for now we all three have the same last name.
Thursday, 7 August, 2008 at 23:16
It’s an outdated tradition that treats women in a subservient manner.
Ask him to change his name!
Mind you I’m not married.
33 years with Miss Right, two darling offspring, but no certificate or ceremony to demonstrate our desire to be together.
We just did it.
We had a discussion about the surname for our children, and they have mine, but it doesn’t matter one way or the other.
It is only confusing when She Who Must Be Obeyed is referred to as Mrs_____. She isn’t, that’s my mother’s name!
Friday, 8 August, 2008 at 0:34
I changed mine. I did it because his family never bothered to learn my last name, so when we started getting ready to marry, cards and gifts and checks started coming to Mr and Mrs Lady. They had no idea what my name was. We had a 5 month old kid, and I’ll be damned if me and my kid have a different last name. I HAD to change it.
I changed it, only legally. I still introduce myself as Shannon MaidenName sometimes. My email is set up to Shannon MaidenName. I sign my name Shannon MaidenName.
I got lucky, in that my parents never could think up a good middle name for me, so I just didn’t get one. My good ol’ hard core Irish last name worked awesomely as a middle name. I went to the courthouse and had my name legally changed to Shannon MaidenNowMiddleName Lady. Everyone won.
Friday, 8 August, 2008 at 0:40
My wife took mine, primarily because she didn’t have one. Where she’s from, she’s Ana binti (daughter of) HerDad. Islamic thing, I guess. When we married, we hadn’t discussed it at all, so when the registrar (in Thailand) asked us if she was taking my name, we kind of looked each other, shrugged, and I said it was up to her. Now she’s very proud to be Mrs H, and that our kids and us have the same last name.
Since we’ll be moving back to Blighty next year, there’ll be shedloads of forms to fill in, and not having a last name could have been a pain, so it’s probably for the best.
The kick I get get is from seeing how proud she is to have my name.
Friday, 8 August, 2008 at 1:30
#26 said it best. Yesterday was my anniversary, and I remember that right before our wedding, my hubby mentioned all the paperwork I would have to do for the name change. HUH? It had not ocurred to me…and then the fighting began. My maiden name is my middle name now, a comprimise for me, but still hard for him, because he felt like I was rejecting him. Jeez, I just had your baby, and now I am marrying, yeah I am really rejecting you! I wish #26 could have articulated it for me. Maybe now I wouldn’t have to write a long signature that is ugly…
Friday, 8 August, 2008 at 2:16
Hi
Funny tradition in some countries to take over your husbands name.
Here in Belgium it is not done. You can be called Mrs His Name on some occasions, but you never officially change your name.
I work with a lot of international contacts, and from time to time I get an e-mail from some unknown girl who seems to know me. At first I did not get what happened.
Now I just go and send somthing back like “I noticed the name change : I guess congratulations are in order”.
I think this tradition is very strange, because you do not change, you stay the same person. I do get the tradition of using your husbands for private matters (and I sometimes do) but for work … I would never do it.
By the way first time comment and I just love your blog.
Friday, 8 August, 2008 at 5:20
I only ended up marrying MPS for the party and to take his name. Cause I was sick to death of having to explain that YES I AM the kids mother… YES I HAVE a different last name…. YES I AM YOUNG THANKYOUVERYMUCH.
And dammit, MPS’s last name is long and woggy and rhymes with my first name. Like in the wedding singer but worse.
Friday, 8 August, 2008 at 5:24
I did change my name, but I didn’t want to. And if I’m being totally honest here, many times I wish I hadn’t.
I loved my maiden name; I loved the way my full name sounded – it had a great ring to it. It just worked. I loved my signature, I loved signing things, because I had perfected my signature so it was more like a work of art than a regular ol’ John Hancock. And when I met Dave and stumbled over his last name, I knew I was in trouble.
So at first, I didn’t take his last name. And I really had no intentions of doing so…and then I got knocked up, and I was talking with a family friend one day and she said something to the effect of, “Oh, then people will think you’re your kids’ stepmother.”
And the next day, at 38 weeks pregnant, I went out and changed my name.
Friday, 8 August, 2008 at 5:28
I dropped my middle name, which I hated, and moved my maiden name there. Also gave it to one son as his middle name. But, yeah, took hubby’s name.
Friday, 8 August, 2008 at 6:02
hey T i am due to get married in a year – we are Carzana and Jackson – CarJack – my hubby to be has named his business this and we are considering having this as a last name if only for comic effect.
Friday, 8 August, 2008 at 6:23
I changed my last name to his.
Friday, 8 August, 2008 at 6:37
I married for the first time at age 42. (two years ago) My parents did not give me a middle name and I resented it since all of my friends had one and I didn’t. (plus my first and last name have four letters each so when names were called off at things like graduation it didn’t flow with the other people’s names) So, I changed my name when I married and took my maiden name as my middle name. No one calls me by married name, it was a royal pain in the ass to change everything over to my married name, took me forever to call myself my married name, and i felt like I lost my identity. My husband didn’t care one way or another if I changed my name, it was my decision and if I had to do it all over again I would not have changed my name.
Friday, 8 August, 2008 at 6:48
I changed my name. I hated my old last name (hyphenated because MY mother refused to change HER last name and it never fit on Scantron forms and people were always putting me under the second last name in filing instead of the first and asking “but which one is your REAL last name?”) and couldn’t get rid of that thing fast enough! Plus I knew I wanted kids and I always felt weird not having the same last name as either one of my parents–I wanted to be able to call the school and say “This is Eliza Doolittle, you know, TLA Doolittle’s mom?” and have there be recognition instead of confusion. I wanted to be able to say “The Doolittles are going on vacation!” instead of “Mr. Doolittle, Ms. MaidenName, and the little Doolittle-Maidennames are going on vacation!” And I also wanted there to only be one place (D for DOOLITTLE) where people would look for my kids medical records, school transcripts, name tags at events, etc. Perhaps if I didn’t pretty much loathe my family of origin it would be different. Also, my husband’s first wife never changed her name and he looked so surprised and touched when I mentioned possibly doing just that that it totally sealed the deal. Thing about it, Tanis–at this point you could probably be selfish in bed for a solid MONTH at the very LEAST after doing something so momentous! Heh.
Friday, 8 August, 2008 at 7:36
The wedding picture is so cute!
Go for it and change your name. You will still be you.
Friday, 8 August, 2008 at 8:11
My wife didn’t change her name. I don’t care.
Whether she changed her name or not, I was still going to marry her.
Her mother thought it was terrible that she didn’t take my name though, and suggested she should at least hyphenate. We were both strenously against that.
Friday, 8 August, 2008 at 8:25
I kept my maiden name (actually I hyphenated, what a pain in the ass THAT was AIYIYI the computer programs that had no ability to find me every time I tried to rent a video) until we were together for about 15 years, and it dawned on me that this man beside me is a keeper. Besides, I wanted our whole family to have the same last name ~ color me traditional. So for Christmas I gave him the gift of me taking his last name (ahem, cheap much?) and he was delighted.
And pleased.
And happy.
It cost me nothing. My husband was relieved, or proud — something. And now I can rent movies like a big girl.
Friday, 8 August, 2008 at 8:47
I’m not married (still engaged…going on 5 years and 3 kids now) but when we do I won’t be changing my name. It’s too much a part of who I am.
I’m also proud to say the kids have my last name. Now if only I can get him to change his last name when we get married…
Friday, 8 August, 2008 at 8:49
I’ve been married for a little over two years now to Buddhist Bodybuilder, I keep telling him I haven’t had time… (I really haven’t, and I may never… I’m a busy ga… heh). l
Friday, 8 August, 2008 at 9:49
CONINUE THE STORY!!!!!!!!!!
Tell us more about that “something more personal” thing.
Love the story…don’t like weddings either.
You seem like agreat catch…as does he. He should be happy that you love one another and forget about the name thing…but…he does really want it, so unless you have serious reasons as o why you won’t….why not do it?
Friday, 8 August, 2008 at 10:11
I gladly took my husband’s name as it was way cooler than my common maiden name. I also dropped my middle name as it was pitiful and made me sound county.
Friday, 8 August, 2008 at 10:24
The only reason I would suggest chaning it is so you have the same last name as your children. I think it makes everything easier anyways.
Friday, 8 August, 2008 at 10:33
Okay, I’m delurking for this one.
If it’s a true honor and shows how much one person loves another, why doesn’t he take your name? Tell him you will take his if he takes yours! hehe.
I will fess up that I took my husband’s name, but only because I was comfortable with that. I was not comfortable dropping one of my names. Why do we have to drop a name that we were born with? It doesn’t make sense to me, so I just made my maiden name my second middle name and took hubby’s as my last name.
Yes, I have four names. It made me feel better to think of it as adding another name, rather than having to give something up to “take” his name.
You really should do what is comfortable for you. If that’s keeping your name, then I really don’t think it should be a big deal to anyone else, even Boo.
Friday, 8 August, 2008 at 10:35
I changed my name. I never really gave it much thought, I guess I just DID it because that’s what people around me did. I guess a new name was better than keeping the one my father gave me. I never did get along with that man.
Friday, 8 August, 2008 at 12:05
I changed my name mainly to shut my bitchy mother in law up. Although I did swap my maiden name to be a second middle name, leading my mother to call me her ‘little four named freak’.
Friday, 8 August, 2008 at 14:51
I changed my name. I didn’t really care one way or the other with the first marriage but I love my name now in my second marriage. Melissa Meredith. I think it’s great!
I’m curious what held you back? I’m curious why it’s important to him? I’m curious what your shoes looked like?
Good luck!
Friday, 8 August, 2008 at 14:54
Don’t blame you dear… one little bit. But you gotta tell him you ain’t going to change!!! Ya think he’s already copped to that??
Me? After much soul-searching and heartache (I was 34 and very attached to my ‘real’ name!) I did change mine. But my hubby was from a family of non-ring-wearers, and we hit a compromise: I’d change my name if he wore a ring. It’s horses for courses…
Marriage = compromise. It’s the one thing they DON’T teach you at school.
BB
Friday, 8 August, 2008 at 15:03
My husband didn’t care either way, but I took his name because I like it more than I like my given name. But I come from a southern family who calls me by my first and middle name and it was so confusing when we got married, because we’d get checks written to both of us with his name, my name with or without my middle name, the whole shebang. So I have two middle names, which I drop to two middle initials in my signature. It works for us. But you should do what feels right to Tanis, not any of us.
Friday, 8 August, 2008 at 16:43
The first time I was engaged I HATED his last name and had him convinced to change to mine. Luckily I came to my senses and never married the guy.
The next guy had a name that wasn’t bad to spell or pronounce, so I just added it on to the end. No hyphen, I have 4 separate names. Looking back, 14 years later, the only thing I would have done different is dump my generic as all hell and not named after anyone original middle name of Marie. I kind of like having 4 names but it’s a bitch on paperwork that only allows one middle initial!
Friday, 8 August, 2008 at 17:16
I did not change my name. My husband came up with the idea to change his. How awesome is that?
Friday, 8 August, 2008 at 17:27
I was thrilled to change my name to hubby’s . I am still me and I still have my
own identity but I am not defined by my last name . I love being a MRS.
Friday, 8 August, 2008 at 18:00
If its only a name, why change it?
We were 32 when we got married. I have a perfectly reasonable last name that I grew up with, established myself with and wanted to continue using. I told my husband I will change it on our 32nd wedding anniversary, and not a day before.
It gives him a goal.
kmbr