***I don’t know how I found my next guest poster, but I’m sure glad I did. Reading Slick is like having a conversation with my very favorite redneck cousins at our annual family reunion. Except I suspect my family members are prettier than Slick. And may have more teeth. Grin.***
After deleting numerous pictures Tanis sent me and ignoring her constant IM’s, I finally caved in and decided to guest post for her. Being a redneck myself, although not a shitty Canadian one, I figured it wouldn’t be so bad helping her out.
I mean c’mon….I have 4 children so I’m actually excited about getting to participate in something called a “Weiner Week” that doesn’t produce another mouth to feed!
I’m just not big into the whole waving my willy around.
Anymore.
Anyhow, speaking of willys…let’s get to the meat of this post.
A while back, I picked up one of my daughters from school. On the way out, I noticed she was clutching a folded piece of notebook paper.
“What you got there Sweetie?” I asked.
“A love letter.” she replied.
I stopped dead in my tracks.
I look down to see the grinning face of my 9 year old princess.
“Can I see it?”
She handed me the paper.
I saw no stick people holding hands, no “I Luv U’s”, and no hand drawn flowers….
Apparently “Brandon” is so stuck on himself, he wrote his own name 50 times, handed it to my daughter, and called it a love letter.
As I waited for her to buckle herself in, I thought to myself that if these are the only kind of love letters that she ever gets, I’ll be one happy Dad.
Once home, I enlisted the help of my 14 year old son.
“Jay, do you know who this Brandon fella is at her school?”
“No, Dad.”
“Find out, report back to me tomorrow.”
As sweet as it was, I ain’t havin’ NONE of it. Not with my little girls.
I flop around like a fish out of water when my wife even mentions bras, make up, and the grown up women stuff in their presence.
The less they know, the better.
Well, unless it’s about panty liners because….you know, my furniture isn’t paid off yet.
Other than that, my little girls aren’t EVER gonna grow up!
Hallie
Brandon sounds like a stalker in training…I’m just sayin!
Hallie
http://wonderfulworldofweiners.blogspot.com/
tina L
My husband is the same way with our daughter.All I can do is laugh at him because no matter what you do you can’t stop what is bound to happen.Someday in the not so distant future your daughter is going to wind up dating someone like you. That makes my husband cringe every time I say it to him. I hope that makes you feel a bit more at ease (NOT)
Ellie
Oh, no, I disagree. I have every confidence that Slick is going to stop time. Which will be good for everybody — he won’t freak, and his daughter won’t have to meet the grown-up version of Brandon.
Sandi
good luck with that Slick.
My daughter is 17 now and we tried. It didn’t work.
O'Neal
We had a similar conversation last night at dinner with our 9 yr old boy, who was just introduced to the world of lockers. He mentioned a few girls had received anonymous notes in their lockers. Before the husband could encourage any such behavior, I immediately & firmly interjected that children caught doing so would receive detention if not out of school suspension and those kids never see their Nintendos again. Not that I worry my son would have the balls to leave a note for any cute girl, he’s just not smart enough to not sign his entire name. And he likes to draw pictures that are sometimes questionable to the eye of the holder.
The girl on the other hand, now that is just plain fun to mess with hubby. He is determined to keep her windows nailed shut until she is 40. Then I remind him of the chisel and hammer he brought with him to my own bedroom window years ago. And of course the far from soft porn detailed letters he used to write me in high school- that my Mom STILL has to this day! Dinners there are still a little uncomfy for him
.
Vicki
LMAO. You sound exactly like my dad did. And you know what happened to me. I grew up. Hit my growth spurt AFTER high school. And went crazy in college. Then I got married and had twins. Now I’ve got another on the way and I’m practically an angel…hehe. Don’t keep her too closely under your wing, Slick, or when she does get some freedom, she’ll go apeshit and screw anything that moves. Not that I did that in college but I was known to flash my funbags around a little…hehe. Good luck there but I wouldn’t count on lifetime virginity…it just ain’t gonna happen.
Maria
LMAO. Classic ending.
And at least tell her to not go for the narcissistic types. She can stand to learn that now.
Capt jeff
yes… it goes quick!!! 11 years ago i moved in next door to a classic new England family… both neighbors, the husband, Jim, and his wife, trish were also local born and raised…we did not know each other, but knew people we grew up with… well, they had a 12 year old son, and an 8 year old daughter… when i had girlfriends over the little one would post a sign in her window that would read “Kiss Her”… now she is 18, going on 27, and brings home her boyfriends…her boyfriends have no idea what kind of trouble they are in , until it’s way too late!!!!… she leaves for college tomorrow!!! ugh, do i feel old!!! she too plans “World Domination”… and if certain traits are inherited, smarts from her dad, good looks and diabolical female intuition from her mom, the whole world is in her reach!!!
Fiesty Charlie
Dude, I have it way worse….
My ankle biter, who is not even 3 yet has been talking about “Joshua’s juicy kisses” and how “Townes kisses are dry!” I had 6 heart attacks in a damn row!!
Now, my problem is the boys in question are also 2-3. I have chatted with the parents already in order to stop the “tot lip lock.”
People wonder why I am going crazy and gray! Good post, I enjoyed your suffering.
Jim
If only you could wrap her in porcupine quills. That might make things easier.
Cindy
I have three daughters 15, 11, and 3 and one son 12. Let me tell you time is a juggernaut that cannot be stopped. No matter how hard you try. When the oldest brought home her first guy Hubby almost lost it. When the 11 yr old came home and told us about her new boyfriend he went out and bought a shovel. Literally. And until that moment he actually liked the boy. When the 3 yr old told him that the 11 yr olds boyfriend was really going to be her boyfriend he almost cried. When the boy came home with a phone number for some girl he volunteered to drive them where ever they wanted to go. Too bad I will be using the car that night, no matter what night it is. Some litle hussy out with my boy…I don’t think so.
Cece
Well, I’ll die happy knowing that being Mexican I will NEVER be called Redneck.
Just curious, how does one become a Redneck? Is it something you do to be dumped into that catagory or are you lucky bastards just born into it, like white trash royalty or something?
~kat
Yeah good luck, I didn’t want mine to grow up either. She’s 20 now. Now I can’t wait for her to hit the happy trails. Sounds bad but there can only be one mom in any one house. Good luck with the boys too. They’re creepy little characters!
FADKOG
My 11 year old boy draws pictures of dragons and gives them to girls. Could this count as a love letter? This makes him either a middle school stud, or utterly oblivious to all the girls clamoring for one of his study hall originals.
Sue
And that is exactly why my 17 yr old got the bedroom farthest away from Bill’s 16 & 17 yr old daughter’s bedrooms.
Oh, and it could be worse… Brandon could have stolen her purse as some warped souvenier and hid it in the cave that is his bedroom where only he knows where it is. That is, until his stepmom finds it and demands to know why he took it. Wait? What? No… I didn’t have any experience like that with my pseudo-stepson. Nope. *looks guilty*
Bennie
I think Brandon needs to be taken out. I volunteer if you’ll return the favor when Jessie gets one of those “love notes.”
Donna, aka Yellow Jeep Blonde
I have to agree. You need to get the low-down on this Brandon dude. Especially if the best he can do is narcisistically write his own name and pronounce that a ‘love letter’. She needs to set all the little boys in her future to really high expectations (her dad’s expectations). Otherwise, I think you’re going to be locking her in her room till she’s 30.
I had two boys and I tried to teach them how to treat girls. So far, so good.
Whit
Brandon? More like Romeo. That’s some smooth shit.
christina_the_wench
Did Slick just type panty liners? Bahwahahahaha
Special K
Ignorance is bliss. Especially when they turn teenagers. Trust me, used to be one!