I’m walking around with my head up my arse these days. It’s quite a visual. Really. I told you I was bendy. It doesn’t just extend to the bedroom. Heh.
My season of grief is once again upon me and I’m struggling to find my joy.Â
There is always one thing that helps shine the light through the dark clouds of my sky though.Â
(No, not antidepressants, booze or even sex. Although the combination of all three does make for some wicked fun. Heh.)
I’m talking about being able to randomly give away a prize and make somebody’s day. That is the best balm I can think of to soothe the ravage beast of grief that likes to rear it’s ugly head and make me miserable.
So I’m having another give-away. I’m not doing it for you, I’m doing it for me. To make myself feel better. I’m such a selfish bitch that way. Heh.
All you have to do to enter my lovely contest is drop me a line in my comments. Tell me a joke people, make me laugh. Crude, rude or clean. Punny or funny. I’ll even accept one liners and lame knock knock jokes.Â
Don’t know a joke? Contest is still open to you because I’m that kinda girl. Easy. Snicker. I’ll take compliments in lieu. Apparently, I’m vain and pathetically needy as well as easy.
Contest is open until midnight, mountain standard time, Sunday Oct 19, 2008. After which time I’ll randomly draw a winner. Or arbitrarily choose a winner based on the best damn joke and who made me smile longest. I make no promises people.Â
Remember? My head is up said arse.
Whatever the circumstances, someone is walking away a winner.
And that brings me joy.
Which is the whole point of this post.
***Oh, and if you are looking for a real post of mine go here. I’d appreciate it. I guest posted for Avitable and he doesn’t think I’ll be able to muster up more than 20 commenters on my post. Cuz I’m a redneck. And a mother. Help me out. Think of the joy it’ll bring me to prove him wrong. Heh.***
Heather
What do you call nuts on a wall?
Walnuts.
What do you call nuts on your chest?
Chestnuts.
What do you call nuts on your chin?
A dick in your mouth.
I hope that made you smile, and I wish you well through this hard time. I know it never gets any easier.
Dana
Being a former ‘Crackhead’ I can tell this joke and not feel bad… but if you aren’t a familiar with the life of a crackhead you might not get it… Oh well, here goes.
Why is Halloween a crackheads favourite holiday?
Cause there’s only two sleeps ’til Christmas!
Monica
Here is some “poetry” I heard “read” on a NYC subway:
“What is the difference between meat and fish?
You can’t beat your fish.”
This was one of many gems the “poet” expounded on the passengers of the 2 Express train!
michellew_
I have no joke AND I already have an I-Pod, but I love and adore you. Plus, I feel really shitty today so I wanted to come and read all of these jokes.
Tracy of Ithaca, NY
Honey, I don’t know if you will read this at this late date, but I hope so. It might make you smile. From your #1 Lesbian fan in Ithaca, NY:
Late one dark and rainy Halloween night a man was
walking home alone when he hears behind him …….
BUMP…
BUMP…
BUMP…
Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street toward him
BUMP…
BUMP…
BUMP…
Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home,the coffin bouncing quickly behind him …
faster…
faster…
BUMP…
BUMP….
BUMP…
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.
However …
the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping …
clappity….
BUMP…
clappity…
BUMP…
clappity…
BUMP…
clappity…
BUMP…
at the heels of the terrified man….
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom at the end of the hall, he locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps…
then …
With a loud CRASH the coffin starts breaking down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him. The man screams and reaches for something heavy,
anything …
his hand comes to rest on a large bottle of ROBITUSSIN.
Desperate, he throws the Robitussin as hard as he can at the apparition,
and…
the coffin stops.
kitty
So I found another one. Sorry…couldn’t resist!
One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a
little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss
in his mouth and asked, ‘Do you know what it is?’
‘No, I don’t,’ said the little boy.
‘Okay, I’ll give you a clue. It’s the thing your daddy wants
from your Mom before he goes to work.’
Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled,
‘Spit it out! It’s a piece of ass!’
Betsey
I totally understand the season of grief. We lost Jadon in August 2005. I’m just pulling out of my bad season.
Hang tough.
Bman
What did one tampon say to the other one?
Nothing…. they were both stuck up C@nts!!!!
Pam
Geeze…you have alot of love out there my friend. I had to scroll down for like two hours to get to the leave a comment section. I found this today and thought you would like it. I know I laughed my ass off….
Waxing . . . .
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours:
‘Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.’
So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those ‘cold wax’ kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.
No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I’m not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out.
(YA THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.
(‘Cold wax, yeah…right!’) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!
OK, so it wasn’t the best feeling, but it wasn’t too bad. I can do this!
Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself….RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I’m blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!…..OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!
Vision returning, I notice that I’ve only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted. I think I may pass out…must stay conscious…must stay conscious. Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe…OK,back to normal.
I want to see my trophy – a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!
There’s no hair on it.
Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip…it’s not! I touch.
I am touching wax.
I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake…remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet?
I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.
SEALED SHUT!!!!
MY BUTT IS SEALED SHUT!
SEALED SHUT!!!!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself ‘Please don’t let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!’
What can I do to melt the wax?
Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I’ll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???
WRONG!!!!!!!******
I get in the tub – the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment – I sit.
Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the
bottom of the tub…in scalding hot water.
Which, by the way, doesn’t melt cold wax.
So, now I’m stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It’s a very good conversation starter……
‘So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!’
There is a slight pause. She doesn’t know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, ‘Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?’
She’s laughing out loud by now…I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.
YEAH!!!!! Right!!
I should be the joke of someone else’s night.
While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor
Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!
By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I’m pretty sure I’m going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace….the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.
What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and….OMG!!!!!!
The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. Its sooo painful, but I really don’t care.
‘IT WORKS!! It works!!’ I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.
I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair….
THE HAIR IS STILL THERE…….ALL OF IT!
So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I’m numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I’m going to try hair color…
HairdresserTim
Been reading your blog for a while now……first time commenting. You will be ok Tanis…..live your life and love your family. You will honour your Bug in the best way if you do those things.
Anyways, here is my joke…..
Man comes home from work, opens the door and says,”Honey! Pack your bags, we won the lottery!”
Wife replies, ” Oh my God! That’s amazing! Where are we going?!”
Man yells back,”I have no idea….just get the F&%K out!”
Hope that brightens your day Tanis
Elisa DelBonis
Compliment (and I didn’t even have to make it up): You’re totally a part of my joy every day… the days you post at least; you’re high on my blogger crush-o-meter.
Joke: If you’re American when you’re working and you’re Canadian when you’re sleeping what are you when you’re in the bathroom? (Say it out loud with me now…) European.