I’m walking around with my head up my arse these days. It’s quite a visual. Really. I told you I was bendy. It doesn’t just extend to the bedroom. Heh.
My season of grief is once again upon me and I’m struggling to find my joy.Â
There is always one thing that helps shine the light through the dark clouds of my sky though.Â
(No, not antidepressants, booze or even sex. Although the combination of all three does make for some wicked fun. Heh.)
I’m talking about being able to randomly give away a prize and make somebody’s day. That is the best balm I can think of to soothe the ravage beast of grief that likes to rear it’s ugly head and make me miserable.
So I’m having another give-away. I’m not doing it for you, I’m doing it for me. To make myself feel better. I’m such a selfish bitch that way. Heh.
All you have to do to enter my lovely contest is drop me a line in my comments. Tell me a joke people, make me laugh. Crude, rude or clean. Punny or funny. I’ll even accept one liners and lame knock knock jokes.Â
Don’t know a joke? Contest is still open to you because I’m that kinda girl. Easy. Snicker. I’ll take compliments in lieu. Apparently, I’m vain and pathetically needy as well as easy.
Contest is open until midnight, mountain standard time, Sunday Oct 19, 2008. After which time I’ll randomly draw a winner. Or arbitrarily choose a winner based on the best damn joke and who made me smile longest. I make no promises people.Â
Remember? My head is up said arse.
Whatever the circumstances, someone is walking away a winner.
And that brings me joy.
Which is the whole point of this post.
***Oh, and if you are looking for a real post of mine go here. I’d appreciate it. I guest posted for Avitable and he doesn’t think I’ll be able to muster up more than 20 commenters on my post. Cuz I’m a redneck. And a mother. Help me out. Think of the joy it’ll bring me to prove him wrong. Heh.***
Andre Legris
OK, I know it is now 90 minutes past the deadline but I figured you could use another laugh anyway. This isn’t a joke though; it actually happened a few years back while driving through the Okanagan with my two young daughters.
Annie (11 years old): Dad, can we play a game?
Me: Sure. Do you have an idea of which one?
Annie: Yeah, let’s play 20 questions.
Christine (9 years old): How do you play that?
Bzzz… bzzz…. bzzz (several minutes of explanations) bzzz… bzzz… bzzz
Me: OK choose a category: person, place or food.
Annie: A person.
Me: OK…. got one. Fire away with your first question.
Annie: Is this person a boy?
Me: Yes. Your turn now, Christine.
Christine: Is it Brad Pitt?
Annie: Christine!!
Christine: What’s wrong with that?
Me: It’s OK, it’s OK, no big deal. That’s a legitimate question. And no,it’s not Brad Pitt. Your turn Annie.
Annie: Is this person alive?
Me: Yes. Your turn Christine.
Christine: Is it Jesus?
Annie: Christine!!! He’s dead. You have to ask about someone who’s alive.
Christine: But he is alive.
Me: Christine, Jesus was a man but he really did die about two thousand years ago.
Christine: No he didn’t. We just passed a big sign that said “Jesus Lives”.
I damn near drove off the road I was laughing so hard.
Keep Happy. Only six more months until spring.
Andre
jenny
whats the difference between pink and purple?
Grip
Mama V
Subject: The Newfie’s Diet
A Newfie was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat
this procedure for 2 weeks.The next time I see you, you should have
lost at least 5 pounds.
When the Newfie returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost
nearly 60lbs!
Why, that’s amazing!’ the doctor said, ‘Did you follow my
instructions?
The Newfie nodded…’I'll tell you though, Lard tunderin Jesus, I
t’aut I was goin to drop dead on dat tird day.
‘From the hunger, you mean?’ asked the doctor.
‘No, from the fuckin’ skippin’
Kyddryn
When do monsters start their day?
Fright-fully early!!
Badump-bump.
Shade and Sweetwater,
K
DawnMarie
I am probably too late for the IPOD drawing, but this one will still make you laugh (Sorry it’s long, but it’s worth it!):
An airline’s passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, “Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he’ll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super.”
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn’t moved a muscle. “Perhaps you didn’t hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.”
She calmly turned her head and said, “In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one.” To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, “Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I’m called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up bitch.”
mj
Shoot! I missed the contest cut-off because I spent too much time reading the jokes!
KK
Frick, I’m also a day late. Hope you get a good snicker none the less. Got this from my BFF this morning to start the day off right.
Aren’t you tired of those Sissy Friendship Poems that always sound good but never actually come close to reality?
Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of True Friendship. You will see no cutesy little Smiley Faces here…
Just the stone cold Truth of our Great Friendship.
1. When you are sad — I will jump on the person who made you sad like a spider monkey that’s jacked up on Mountain Dew!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2. When you are Blue — I will try to dislodge whatever’s choking you.
3. When you Smile — I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.
4. When you’re Scared — We will high tail it the heck outta there.
5. When you are Worried — I will tell you horrible stories ’bout how much worse it could be until you quit whining, ya Big Baby!!!!
6. When you are Confused — I will use little bitty words.
7. When you are Sick — You can tell me how you caught it, but Stay Away from me until you are well again. I really don’t want Whatever you have.
8. When you Fall — I’ll pick you up and dust you off…Again.
9. This is my oath. I Pledge it to The End.
‘Why?’ you may ask — because you are my FRIEND!
And Friendship is like
peeing your pants…
Everyone can See it but only You can feel its True Warmth.
Send this to 10 of your Closest Friends,
And try not to get depressed cuz you can
only think of 4.
Ross
I’m a day late, but here it is anyway..
Have you seen moth balls?
No, its too hard to get their little legs apart.
Mary
What’s the best time to go to the dentist?
At tooth hurty.
moosh in indy
I have a bruise on my arse the size of a Wunderbar, I’d be happy to send you a picture.
wm
It looks like I missed the cutoff. Here’s a funny one anyway. I think it’s from Garrison Kiellor.
There were 3 couples who wanted to get into the Baptist church. The pastor said fine, but we do have this requirement for new parishioners – you have to abstain from sex for two weeks. Think you can do that? Fine they said, we’ll try.
So they were gone for 2 weeks. 2 weeks later they returned to him. He turned to the elderly couple.
“Were you able to uh, do what I asked?â€
“Oh sure,†they said. “That was no problem. It didn’t bother us at all.â€
He turned to the middle aged couple and he said, “Were you able to uh, you know, abstain.â€
They said, “It wasn’t that hard the first week. But the second week we had to be careful and sleep in separate beds, but yes, we got through the two weeks.â€
“Fine,†he said. “Welcome to the Baptist church.â€
He turned to the young couple. “Were you able to, uh,â€
“Well, actually, Reverend,†the man said. “On the second day, my wife reached up for a light bulb off the top shelf and she dropped it and she broke it. She reached down to pick it up and I could not control myself. And we made love right there on the floor.â€
“Well†the reverend said, “you’re not welcome in the Baptist church.â€
“I don’t care,†the man said. “We’re not welcome in the grocery store either.â€
Ms. Single Mama
I had a slump a few weeks back – vitamins have helped tremendously. Stress B Complex and Iron.
Turns out I wasn’t depressed, my poor little body just needed some love. Hey and at last you are still having sex! Us single moms just have to grin and bear it … so smile about that and I hope you feel better.
Chantel
Has a winner be declared??? If not, can it please be me??? Not only am I a single mom going without sex (see previous comment), I am also a single mom going without an iPod…equally sad…kind of.
Capt jeff
look, i’ll preface my sentiments on the bikini pic. with this statement… i would never intrude upon a marrage…
now, that bikini and cammo pants… they look good on you, but they would really look better on my bedroom floor…(if you were avaiable tanis)
Tangerine
If you ate pasta and antipasto would you still be hungry?
Danger
Why did the frog cross the road?
Because it was stapled to the chicken!
WM
Ok from the halls of bad jokedome:
What do you call a psychic, escape-convince dwarf ?
A small medium at large.
Yeah…I know
WM
From the halls of bad jokedom:
What do you call a psychic,escape convict dwarf ?
A small medium at large.
Yeah…I know
Chell
Hey Mama. I know this is a tough time of the year for you. Maybe this will help you smile.
What bird symbolizes freedom?
that’s right, the Eagle.
What bird symbolizes Love, even rhymes like it?
That’s right, the Dove.
What bird symbolizes TRUE love?
no clue?
the Swallow….
hahah, love that joke.
Chin up mama.
<3
Chell
Steph
Ok, I’ve got no joke up my sleeve! How about I just say YOU ROCK!! Or I can tell you the knock knock my 4 year old told me yesterday..
Knock knock
Who’s there
A polar bear in his underwear
as he literally snorted orange juice out his nose. Then the tears started because lets face it that stuff burns!
BTW: I purposely waited to post this till I was sure you picked someone already didn’t want to finally post something on your blog and have it be for a hand out.