I’m walking around with my head up my arse these days. It’s quite a visual. Really. I told you I was bendy. It doesn’t just extend to the bedroom. Heh.
My season of grief is once again upon me and I’m struggling to find my joy.Â
There is always one thing that helps shine the light through the dark clouds of my sky though.Â
(No, not antidepressants, booze or even sex. Although the combination of all three does make for some wicked fun. Heh.)
I’m talking about being able to randomly give away a prize and make somebody’s day. That is the best balm I can think of to soothe the ravage beast of grief that likes to rear it’s ugly head and make me miserable.
So I’m having another give-away. I’m not doing it for you, I’m doing it for me. To make myself feel better. I’m such a selfish bitch that way. Heh.
All you have to do to enter my lovely contest is drop me a line in my comments. Tell me a joke people, make me laugh. Crude, rude or clean. Punny or funny. I’ll even accept one liners and lame knock knock jokes.Â
Don’t know a joke? Contest is still open to you because I’m that kinda girl. Easy. Snicker. I’ll take compliments in lieu. Apparently, I’m vain and pathetically needy as well as easy.
Contest is open until midnight, mountain standard time, Sunday Oct 19, 2008. After which time I’ll randomly draw a winner. Or arbitrarily choose a winner based on the best damn joke and who made me smile longest. I make no promises people.Â
Remember? My head is up said arse.
Whatever the circumstances, someone is walking away a winner.
And that brings me joy.
Which is the whole point of this post.
***Oh, and if you are looking for a real post of mine go here. I’d appreciate it. I guest posted for Avitable and he doesn’t think I’ll be able to muster up more than 20 commenters on my post. Cuz I’m a redneck. And a mother. Help me out. Think of the joy it’ll bring me to prove him wrong. Heh.***
Joanna
Sadly I’m not the jokester in my family. I’ll talk to my father-in-law and get back to you with a wicked dirty joke. He always has a good one. This time last year he was in the hospital for a heart catharization and he told his recent joke to everyone he was in contact with. I thought my mother-in-law’s eyes were going to permanently lodge in the back of her head.
I’m sorry you’re down. I hope you find your joy again soon.
Kim
I can never remember jokes. Sorry about that.
I love your blog, and you RAWK! The hottest Redneck Mommy Blogger I read.
(Did I brownnose enough? I can has Ipod! lol)
Angela
http://oneatlantamommy.blogspot.com/2008/09/for-love-of-god-why-octopus.html
I know… I have weird kids!
the planet of janet
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Interrupting cow.
Interru…
Moo.
…………
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Interrupting coefficient of friction.
Interru…
Mu.
Julie Sanders
An Canadain man left the snow-filled streets of home for a tropical location. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address, he did his best to type it in from memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
DEAREST WIFE: JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.
P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE.
Maria
My mom (against my wishes) taught my son to call his penis a “peedeeypooder.” Yeah.
So S generally starts tripping all over his words when he’s trying to say a big sentence. We were changing his diaper the other day and he said “I got a new diaper now, where’s my–my–my–peederbirder.” Ridiculous. (I call it his pepe or I just say penis, damn it!)
Hope you get lots of happy comments, lady.
Jen
To the Beverly Hillbillies tune:
Come and listen to my story ’bout a man named John.
A poor Ex-Marine with a little fraction gone
It seems one night after getting with the wife
She lopped off his dong with the swipe of a knife.
Penis, that is.
Clean cut.
Missed his nuts.
Well, the next thing you know there’s a Ginsu by his side
And Lorena’s in the car taking Willie for a ride
She soon got tired of her purple-headed friend
And tossed him out the window as she came around a bend
Curve, that is
Tossed the nub.
In the shrub.
She went to the cops and confessed to the attack
And they called out the hounds just to get his Weenie back
They sniffed and they barked and they pointed “over there!”
To John Wayne’s henry that was waving in the air.
Found, that is
By a fence.
Evidence.
Now Peter and John couldn’t stay apart too long
So a dick Doc said, “Hey I can fix that dong.”
A needle and a thread is all we’re gonna need
And the whole world waited ’til they heard that Johnny peed
Whizzed, that is
Even seam,
Straight stream
Well he healed and he hardened and he took his case to court
With a half-assed lawyer cause his assets came up short
They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape
And his pecker was the only thing they didn’t show on tape
Video, that is
Unexposed.
Case closed.
Ya’ll sleep on your stomachs now, ya hear….
Debbi
A small boy was lost at a shopping mall, He approached a uniformed policeman and said, ” I have lost my grandpa” , the cop said ” Whats he like? The boy hesitated for a moment and the replied , ” Crown Royal Whiskey and women with big tits..”
Out of the mouths of babes…..
Janice
A dog is truly a man’s best friend.
If you don’t believe it, just try this experiment:
Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you???!!
Tug
The teacher says to her new class, “For our first lesson, each of you will stand up, tell us your name, what your father does, spell what your father does, and then explain it to us. All right, Billy. You go first.”
Billy stands up and says, “My name’s Billy. My father’s a lawyer, l-a-w-y-e-r, and he defends people in court.”
The teacher says, “Very good. All right, Benjamin.”
Tyrone stands up and says, “My name’s Benjamin. My father’s a pharmacist, f-a-m… f-a-r-n… f-n…”
The teacher says, “Benjamin, you go home tonight and learn how to spell pharmacist. All right, Angelo.”
Angelo stands up and says, “My name’s Angelo. My old man’s a bookie, b-o-o-k-i-e, and if he was here, he’d give you nine-to-five odds Benjamin ain’t spellin’ pharmacist by tomorrow.”
Hang in there………….
Becky K
I have two…
A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner’s wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:
‘Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain…do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he
nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both.. Be strong, honey.
I love you!’
His wife responds: ‘He wasn’t kissing my neck – he was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. ‘Be strong. I love you, too!’
******
A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before making passionate love, the wife tells the husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”
The husband being shocked, replied, “How’s this possible? You’ve been married three times before.”
The wife responds, “Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was…oh, do I miss him!”
photomommy
My husband would totally dig this ipod. Pick me, please!!
My joke is from: http://jokes.comedycentral.com/joke_of_day.aspx
Mexican Smuggler
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He’s got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, “What’s in the bags?”
“Sand,” answered Juan.
The guard says, “We’ll just see about that. Get off the bike.” The guard detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. He releases Juan and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, “What’s in the bags?”
“Sand,” says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn’t show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
“Hey, Buddy,” says the guard, “I know you are smuggling something. It’s driving me crazy. It’s all I think about…Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?”
Juan sips his beer and says, “Bicycles.”
Lorrie
How did the bubblegum cross the road? It was stuck to the chiickens foot!
Brennan
http://www.palinaspresident.us/
Tanis,
Trust me, it’s a joke.
Trust me, it’s funny.
Alternately…
Trust me, it’s not a joke.
Trust me, it’s terribly un-funny.
v/r,
B.
Ally in Wonderland
So this guy decided to take a huge island and create his own country, but he didn’t want the competition of the rest of the world, so he was only letting in one of each profession.
Two gentlemen walk up to the gate to be let in and the guard asks man #1 “what is it you do?”. He replied “I make the women’s panties.” The guard said, “You know, we already have a seamstress, so we really don’t need you. I’m sorry, but you can’t come in.”
Man #1 is dejected and turns to walk away. A few steps away he hears the guard ask man #2 what he does for a job. Man #2 replies “I’m a Deesellfitter” (pronounced Diesel-fitter). The guard is quite comfused and even calls his boss to find out what it is. The guard tells Man #2 that since its such a unique job, of course he is allowed to come, it’ll add diversity!!! So man #2 enters the country and goes on his way.
Man #1 is now appalled and runs up to the guard and cries “What are you doing?? Why did you let him in and not me?? I make the women’s panties, all he does is hold them up and say Dees’ll fit ‘er!!!”
(it works best when spoken out loud, but its one of my favorites)
Kelly
I am horrible with on the spot jokes. I guess I could steal my son’s knock knock joke.
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Boo
Boo Who?
Why are you so sad?
britt
this is from my husband who is a giant 12 year old…
if i have a rooster and you have a donkey, and your donkey eats my roosters legs, what do you have?
two feet of my cock in your ass.
hardy hardy har.
Expat Chef
A woman got married for the fourth time. On her wedding night, she told her new husband to be gentle because she is a virgin.
“A virgin? Can’t be! You’ve been married THREE times before!” he said.
“Well,” she replied. “My first husband was a lawyer, all he wanted to do was TALK about it. My second husband was a gynecologist, all he wanted to do was LOOK at it. My third husband was a stamp collector. God, I’m going to miss him.”
Abe
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Interrupting Cow.
Interrupting cow wh-
moo.
*works much better in person…*
my mom introduced me to your blog and I really enjoy reading. I’m often left literally lol’ing.
Thanks!
Leslie
A woman went to a doctor and said , doctor, I have a problem. every time I sneeze I have an orgasm. the doctor said, oh really, what have you been doing for it. the woman replied, snorting pepper.