I’m walking around with my head up my arse these days. It’s quite a visual. Really. I told you I was bendy. It doesn’t just extend to the bedroom. Heh.
My season of grief is once again upon me and I’m struggling to find my joy.Â
There is always one thing that helps shine the light through the dark clouds of my sky though.Â
(No, not antidepressants, booze or even sex. Although the combination of all three does make for some wicked fun. Heh.)
I’m talking about being able to randomly give away a prize and make somebody’s day. That is the best balm I can think of to soothe the ravage beast of grief that likes to rear it’s ugly head and make me miserable.
So I’m having another give-away. I’m not doing it for you, I’m doing it for me. To make myself feel better. I’m such a selfish bitch that way. Heh.
All you have to do to enter my lovely contest is drop me a line in my comments. Tell me a joke people, make me laugh. Crude, rude or clean. Punny or funny. I’ll even accept one liners and lame knock knock jokes.Â
Don’t know a joke? Contest is still open to you because I’m that kinda girl. Easy. Snicker. I’ll take compliments in lieu. Apparently, I’m vain and pathetically needy as well as easy.
Contest is open until midnight, mountain standard time, Sunday Oct 19, 2008. After which time I’ll randomly draw a winner. Or arbitrarily choose a winner based on the best damn joke and who made me smile longest. I make no promises people.Â
Remember? My head is up said arse.
Whatever the circumstances, someone is walking away a winner.
And that brings me joy.
Which is the whole point of this post.
***Oh, and if you are looking for a real post of mine go here. I’d appreciate it. I guest posted for Avitable and he doesn’t think I’ll be able to muster up more than 20 commenters on my post. Cuz I’m a redneck. And a mother. Help me out. Think of the joy it’ll bring me to prove him wrong. Heh.***
O'Neal
Kinda long but SO worth the laugh!!! It’s a little kinky too!
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A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 Years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, He finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and Ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner’s wife to the Bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: “Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman In years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t Resist, don’t complain…do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him No matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very Dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, Honey. I love you!’ His wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering In my ear . He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and Asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.. Be strong. I love you, too!
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See? I should *totally* win for that! And/or because I NEVER win anything and I am SO pitiful I don’t even OWN a cell phone! Someone PLEASE help this girl out of the stone ages!
Expat Chef
Just realized my joke got posted before! Damn. Oh well. Here, try this I wrote it, so I know you haven’t heard this one before.
Adrienne
I don’t have a “joke” that comes to mind, so much as a funny story.
I used to be a special education teacher. One of my students was a sweet tempered boy with autism in the first grade, we’ll call “M”. M and the rest of my class planted bean plants as part of some unit I can’t remember and M was enthralled with his little plant- he loved to hold the cup and stare at it and “pet” it. Unfortunately, I learned all the touching the kids were doing to their plants was quickly killing most of the plants so one day, as the kids rushed in to class and made a bee-line to the plants, my aide and I reminded them of the new rule- “Eyes Only” for loving their plant. Well, M being smarter than the rest of us proceeded to rub his little bean stalk lovingly against his closed eyes. I couldn’t do anything but smile. He was still following the rules!
Lisa!
This joke contains a word that most women despise but the joke just isn’t funny without it. I hope I don’t get in trouble for posting it.
You pass 3 tampons walking down the street. Which one says hi to you first? None of them. They’re all stuck up cunts.
Sorry…
suzr
a joke? oh, i know I’ll steal one from Chris Rock’s recent HBO special…
“George Bush has fucked up so bad, he made it hard for a white man to run for president! People are like “give me a black man, a white woman, a giraffe, a zebra…anything but another white man! That last one fucked up my roof!”
hope it brought you a giggle at least!
Julie
Thinking of you & hoping all these comments bring a smile….
Okay, the only ones I can think of right now:
1. A chicken lies in bed next to an egg. The chicken sighs contendly while smoking a cigarette. The egg rolls over and grumbles, “well, I guess we settled that question!”
2. my favorite 3rd grader joke:
How do you make a Kleenex dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
Mary
What’s the difference between sexy & kinky?
With sexy you use a feather.
With kinky you use the whole chicken.
Wendy
I was told this joke in grade 7, didn’t get it until grade 9.
What do you do when you come across an elephant?
Say sorry and wipe it off
(now just change the spelling of “come” to the slang…)
What can I say… I was an innocent child.
Lori
My daughter’s favorite…
Q. Why are elephants big, gray and wrinkly?
A. ‘Cause if they were small, blue and smooth they’d be blueberries!
Bob
A man enters a restaurant with his two young sons, 5 and 7 years old. They’re seated at their table and a waitress comes up to take their order. She turns to the oldest boy and asks, “What’ll ya have, sugar?”. He replies, “I’ll have a gotdammed cheezburger”. Quick as lightning, Dad reaches out and pops him a good one. The waitress quickly turns to the other little boy and asks what he wants. “Well, I sure as hell don’t want no gotdammed cheezburger”.
Angella
All I have to offer you is the family portrait that Nathan drew. I could print it out and mail it to you…or maybe have him draw one of YOUR family. Heh.
Cindy
The other day I went downtown to go to the news stand for the Wall Street Journal so I could track my investments. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
I said to him, ‘Come on, man, don’t you have anything better to do than write a retired person a ticket? Why aren’t you out chasing crooks or
child molesters . . . that’s out of your league, obviously!!!”
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a ‘Nazi.’
He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn tires.
So I called him ‘Barney Fife’.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn’t care . . I came downtown on the bus. The car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said ‘McCain’ in 08.’
Cindy and Co.
Four Worms and a lesson to be learned……
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol – Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke – Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup – Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil – Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation – What did you learn from this demonstration?
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,’As long as you drink, smoke or eat chocolate, you won’t have worms!’
That pretty much ended the service —
Hope you feel better……
Elda
This is my favorite joke:
Q:: Why is the ocean blue?
A:: Because the fish go, “Bloo. Bloo. Bloo.”
It’s lame, I know but it makes me laugh.
Elaine
What is an elephant’s favorite game to play?
Squash.
foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog)
You’re going to blow up the internet, sweetie! In that vein, here’s a blow job joke! Woo HOO!
A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar and the best man notices that the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face. The best man says, ”Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what’s up – you look so excited.”
The groom replies, ”I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me.”
The bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest, brightest smile on her face. The maid of honor notices this and says, ”Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what’s up, you look so excited.”
The bride replies ”I have just given the last blow job of my entire life.”
Heather Bady
This made me laugh out loud today
McCain &Obama at the Barber Shop
WOW!!!
John McCain and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barber shop.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a
word was spoken.
The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would
turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had
McCain in his chair reached for the after shave.
McCain was quick to stop him saying, ‘ No thanks, my wife Cindy will
smell that and think I’ve been in a whorehouse’.
The second barber turned to Barack and said ‘how about you?’
Obama replied ‘Go ahead, my wife Michelle doesn’t know what the inside
of a whorehouse smells like.’
Lottifish
I flew home to visit my Mom a bit ago and while driving home in her car I said something totally normal (although now I can’t remember what it was) and she clearly heard my say “You smell like shit.” Needless to say, she was quite taken aback. We had a good laugh about
Lesley
WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE
A point of view …
Barbara Walters of Television’s 20/20 did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. From Miss Walters’ vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now
seem to walk even further back behind their husbands, and are happy to maintain the old custom.
Miss Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked,
‘Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?’
The woman looked Miss Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said,
“Land Mines.”
Moral of the story is (no matter where you go)
BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE’S A SMART WOMAN
Miss Grace
Warning: Politically incorrect.
What did Helen Keller name her dog?
Urghrrghrghr
Okay here’s another one:
Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
She needs the other to moan with.