I’m walking around with my head up my arse these days. It’s quite a visual. Really. I told you I was bendy. It doesn’t just extend to the bedroom. Heh.
My season of grief is once again upon me and I’m struggling to find my joy.Â
There is always one thing that helps shine the light through the dark clouds of my sky though.Â
(No, not antidepressants, booze or even sex. Although the combination of all three does make for some wicked fun. Heh.)
I’m talking about being able to randomly give away a prize and make somebody’s day. That is the best balm I can think of to soothe the ravage beast of grief that likes to rear it’s ugly head and make me miserable.
So I’m having another give-away. I’m not doing it for you, I’m doing it for me. To make myself feel better. I’m such a selfish bitch that way. Heh.
All you have to do to enter my lovely contest is drop me a line in my comments. Tell me a joke people, make me laugh. Crude, rude or clean. Punny or funny. I’ll even accept one liners and lame knock knock jokes.Â
Don’t know a joke? Contest is still open to you because I’m that kinda girl. Easy. Snicker. I’ll take compliments in lieu. Apparently, I’m vain and pathetically needy as well as easy.
Contest is open until midnight, mountain standard time, Sunday Oct 19, 2008. After which time I’ll randomly draw a winner. Or arbitrarily choose a winner based on the best damn joke and who made me smile longest. I make no promises people.Â
Remember? My head is up said arse.
Whatever the circumstances, someone is walking away a winner.
And that brings me joy.
Which is the whole point of this post.
***Oh, and if you are looking for a real post of mine go here. I’d appreciate it. I guest posted for Avitable and he doesn’t think I’ll be able to muster up more than 20 commenters on my post. Cuz I’m a redneck. And a mother. Help me out. Think of the joy it’ll bring me to prove him wrong. Heh.***
Stacey
Why haven’t women found the perfect man?
Cause no man has a dick made of chocolate that ejaculates money.
or . . .
What do you call a dog with no back legs and balls of steel?
Sparky
Whit
I hope you promised him that guest post 6 months ago, because someone sold me some whispers in the dark and my inbox remained empty.
That’s like a joke, right?
Don’t enter me though. In the contest that is, not my orifice(s).
Mickey
Ok, I have 2 for you- hope they make you smile!
(the second one works better if you read it out loud)
1. A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. “The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”
A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, “Wedding cake”
2. A lady walks into a store and asks the clerk for a gallon of vanilla, a gallon of chocolate and a gallon of strawberries the clerk says ‘i dont have any chocolate so the lady says ok ill take a quart of each and the clerk tells her again i dont have any chocolate” so the lady asks for a pint of each and now the clerk is getting really mad and he tells her to spell the “van” in vanilla so she goes v-a-n so the clerk goes “spell the straw in strawberries” so she goes s-t-r-a-w and the clerk goes “spell the fuck in chocolate” and the lady goes “there is no fuck in chocolate” and the clerk goes “thats what i’ve been trying to tell you!’
Loralee
BOOBIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Did that work? No???? DAMMIT.)
I love your everlovin’ guts, Tanis.
debra
After being asked by my management to stay in my current job “just until things get better” and knowing that things are going to get (much) worse before getting better, my friend sent this to me in an email:
“Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas, and oil, ‘The Light at the End of the Tunnel’ has been turned off. We apologize for the inconvenience.”
It made me smile anyway.
Take care and hugs… xoxo
Kyddryn
Oh most beautious and wise Redneck Canadian Woman…
Knock, knock.
(you have to play along)
Boo!
(don’t spoil the fun)
Don’t cry, it’s just me!
Shade and Sweetwater,
K (who posted the same joke on her own blog today, so now she’s twice as lame.)
Rhi
I got this via email the other day, I LOVED it:
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little yellow bug and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde’s driver’s license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. What does it look like?’ she finally asked. The policewoman replied, ‘It’s square and it has your picture on it.’ The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it, and handed it to the policewoman. ‘Here it is,’ she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, ‘Okay, you can go. I didn’t realize you were a cop.’
Kyddryn
Or you can go here and laugh until you pee (or is it just me who does that?): http://www.stupidvideos.com/fullscreen.php?sk=7&fc=0xFFFFFF&pr=undefined&i=34039&t=Lazy%20Cat%20On%20A%20Treadmill&p=http%3A%2F%2Fwww%2Estupidvideos%2Ecom%2Frss%2Frss%2Ephp%3Fchart%3Dsimilar%26pl%3D1%26v%3D34039
Shade and Sweetwater,
K
Rhea
I try to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.
ba da bump pah.
and this one made me think of you:
If I never had a bad day, how would I know whether I was having a good day?
blissfully caffeinated
I’m #148 in the comments, but I so don’t care, I want that damn ipod. This is a way better giveaway than Breakfast Club notebooks, and I wrote a whole post for that.
So, I hope I win.
By the way…a Harvard Medical School study has determined that rectal thermometers are still the best way to tell a baby’s temperature. Plus, it really teaches the baby who’s boss.
That’s Tina Fey.
Dora
I fuckin love Tanis.
The weirdest thing I’ve found while snoopin has to be a book in my brothers room when I was like ten…and I didn’t understand why some pages stuck together when I tried to open it.
*pukes a little*
Comments by Dora
comment by Dora Friday, October 17, 2008 @ 5:21 pm
Â
Here’s my post from your guest post.
Sunny
I couldn’t narrow it down, so I’m going to give you three of my favorites.
—
A new priest was so nervous at his first mass, he could hardly speak. Before his second appearance in the pulpit he asked the Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor said, “Next Sunday, it may help if you put some vodka in the water pitcher. After a few sips, everything should go smoothly.”
The next Sunday, the new priest put the suggestion into practice and was able to talk up a storm. He felt great. However, upon returning to the rectory, he found a note from the Monsignor. It read:
1. Next time, sip rather than gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 Disciples, not 10.
4. We do not refer to the cross as the big “T”.
5. The recommended grace before meals is not
“Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah Lord.”
6. Do not refer to our savior, Jesus Christ and his apostles as “J.C. and The Boys”.
7. David slew Goliath. He did not “kick the shit out of him.”
8. The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit are never referred to as “Big Daddy, Junior, and The Spook”.
9. It is always the Virgin Mary, never “Mary with the Cherry”.
10. Last, but not least, next Wednesday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s. There will not be a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.
—-
A boy went out hunting with his dad, and brought down a turkey with bird shot. That night as the family were eating, they kept running into the pellets and accidentally swallowing them. The dad told them not to worry, “It’ll pass, it’ll pass.”
The next day the daughter runs up to her dad and says, “It passed when I went potty!” The son looks worried and asks the dad what he should do, the dad just says, “It’ll pass, it’ll pass.”
The next day, the son comes up to the dad, nervously. He says, “Dad, last night…. I was masturbating…
I shot the dog!”
—-
A father and son live out in a tar-paper shack in the country. There’s no food, the dad is elderly and can’t get around well, so the son decides to go get some food.
He gathers up some chicken wire and starts to head out the door. The dad says, “Boy! Where ya goin’ with that chicken wire!”
“Paw, Imma catch me a chicken!”
“Ya can’t catch a chicken with chicken wire, ya durn fool!”
“Paw, watch me!”
The son leaves and comes back an hour later with a chicken. The dad says “Well I’ll be! I guess ya can catch chickens with chicken wire!” They ate well that night.
Two days later they’re hungry and the son decides he’s going to go get some dinner again. He grabs a roll of duck tape and heads for the door. The dad says, “Boy! Where ya goin’ with that duck tape!”
“Paw, Imma catch me a duck!”
“Ya can’t catch a duck with duck tape, ya durn fool!”
“Paw, watch me!”
The son leaves and comes back an hour later with a duck. The dad says “Well I’ll be! I guess ya can catch a duck with duck tape!” They ate well that night.
Two days later, the boy decides to head out again. He picks up some pussy willow and heads for the door.
The dad says, “Hold on son, let me get my shoes.”
Sunny
Oh, I forgot. You might also enjoy this site http://notalwaysright.com/
Chasity
Three moles came upon a hole leading to the surface. The first one popped his head up out of the hole and said, “I smell sugar.”
The second one popped up out of the hole and said, “I think I smell maple syrup.”
The third mole popped up and said, “Hmm…That’s funny, all I smell is mole asses.
BusyDad
This is so sad. I’m racking my brain for a good dirty joke, but all that I can come up with is a knock knock joke from my kid’s beloved joke book. But really, it makes me laugh hard. Which may be yet another sad statement about me. *sigh* here goes. No polite chuckle necessary…
Knock Knock
Who’s There
Little Old Lady
Little Old Lady Who?
I didn’t know you could yodel!
Since it’s his joke, he gets the iPod if I win. I think that is fair.
Kathleen O'Brien
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the Bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, ‘Dat’s dem.’
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
‘Yeah, we’ll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,’ says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.
Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds; leave the shop and get into Gerry’s truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.
At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, ‘Dis looks like a grand place.’
He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, ‘Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook’n dangerous for me!’
THERE’S MORE….
Moments later; Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass.
He’s been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
‘Hi, Paddy, watch dis,’ Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.
Paddy shakes his head and says, ‘And I’m never trying dat parrotshooting either!’
IT IS NOT OVER YET…
Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.
He’s also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.
Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head.
‘Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting. … And now Sean and his fook’n hengliding!’
Tracey
A married couple on vacation in Jamaica walked into a sandal shop. The Jamaican said to them, “I have some special sandals I tink you would be interested in, Dey make you wild at sex mon” Well the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed but her husband felt he really didn’t need them being the sex God that he was. The husband asked the Jamaican: “How could sandals make you into a sex freak?” The Jamaican replied: ” Jus try dem on mon” So after some badgering from his wife, the man finally gave in and slipped them on to his feet. He got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn’t seen in years. In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over the table, yanked down the Jamaican’s pants, yanked down his own pants and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican’s hips. The Jamaican then began screaming “You got dem on the wrong feet Mon, you got dem on the wrong feet!!!
Jacquie
There were two peanuts walking down the street.
One was a salted.
Shit, that doesn’t translate to the written word so well. Go back and read it out loud like “assaulted”. It’s funny! It is so.
Wendy M
I’m having a pretty craptasic day myself, so I have no jokes for you unfortunately. But I am needy… needy for a new ipod!
tony
favorite W.C. Fields saying
“i never drink water…fish fuck in it.
wishing you many joys Tanis