It was my son, Shalebug’s eighth birthday yesterday.Â
Eight. He would have been eight years old. This means in some alternate reality I’m the mother to a buck-toothed eight year old instead of the mom to a forever almost five-year-old angel boy. Holy mind trip Batman. I can’t wrap my head around the fact my baby would have been eight years old.
You know what this means?
It means it has been eight years since I was over two hundred and fifty pounds. Eight years since I was so damn large I couldn’t drive because I had to push the seat so far back to make room for my ginormous pregnant belly that my legs weren’t long enough to reach the petals.
Eight years since taking the kids to McDonalds (don’t judge me peoples) and not being able to fit my fat-tastic body into the booth my kids wanted to sit at. And I tried, y’all. I attempted to wedge my body between the table and the back of the chair and basically found myself stuck.
Picture a pack of pimply teenaged employees gathered around my pregnant body as they tried to unwedge me by smearing ketchup around my belly and the table. Hundreds of opened ketchup packets littered the floor as they yanked and pulled my way to freedom. Meanwhile my demon spawn merrily munched on their Happy Meals and all the other McPatrons of the Golden Arches laughed at the wedged pregnant whale and wandered over to snap pictures on their cell phones to show all their friends and post on the Internet.
Good times.
It’s been eight years since I gave birth to my last child. Eight years since it took my obstetrician yanking on the suction cap attached to my baby’s head, my husband yanking on the obstetrician and a nurse yanking on my husband in an effort to free Bug from the locked jaws of my uterus.
When the choochoo train of tugging proved effortless the doctor brought out the ole rubber mallet and cracked my pelvic bones like an egg to provide Bug with the wiggle room he needed to claw his way out to sweet freedom.
I’d have preferred they tried the ole ketchup trick but apparently I didn’t have much say in the matter.
It’s been eight years since I had to relearn how to walk like a two legged human and not waddle like a two-legged duck.
Heck, it’s been eight years since I’ve had any stitches in my cooter.Â
Eight years. Damn.Â
Nothing makes a parent feel the aches in their bones and see the lines on their faces quicker than watching their children grow up.
Of course, I can’t watch ShaleBug grow up but that doesn’t diminish the fact that EIGHT years ago I was threatening to rip the nuts off my husband as I panted my way through childbirth and then crying tears of sweet relief thanks and love over the birth of my beautiful boy.
Happy Eighth Birthday Bug. We miss you. Well, my cooter doesn’t but all the rest of myself does.
In other news, I am one of the ten finalists for Best Canadian Blog in the 2008 Weblog Awards. Thanks to everyone who voted to make sure I’d be in the top ten. How much will I have to prostitute myself to get you all to wander over and vote? I’m not proud peoples and I have no shame. Keep that in mind. Wink.
Make sure you check out all the other categories because there are some fantastic blogs nominated.
If you are looking for something funny to get you through your day and thinking about angel boys and my broken hoo-ha isn’t working for you, try heading over to Cynical Dad’s blog where he’s gathered some of the best bloggers out there to hack my reputation into tiny little pieces. That’s right, a Redneck Roast. Where the good times and public carving of Tanis runs all week.
You know what they say, they who laugh last has the last laugh or some such drivel. I’m sharpening my knives in preparation for my rebuttal.Â
I don’t play nice either.
And for those of you who would like the opportunity to roast me in real life, here’s your chance. I’m not only attending Blissdom, but I’m speaking at it. Someone thought it would be a good idea to let the lady with the assless chaps and cheeto dust on her face have a microphone.
Silly peoples.
Â
I can’t wait. Let the public humiliation good times roll.Â
Like I said, I have no shame.
patrice
Aw. Happy Birthday Bug. This sunday will mark one year since my daughter died. I don’t know how that’s possible. You’re an inspiration to me (I know I keep saying that).
That ketchup thing didn’t really happen! Did it?
Matt
Happy Birthday, Bug.
.
Also, the McDonalds thing has happened to me to…only I usually fit into the booth when I get there, then can’t get back out. Sweet and Sour seems to work better for me
SG
I want to write that I do mostly like your site, even though it has become quite commercialized – you want to make a buck, I really don’t blame you. Yet, this post seriously irritates me. You remind us of your youngest son’s death, and then pimp for an award that will profit you even more than before.
I am so tired of this from bloggers that I mistakenly thought were blogging in reality and possibly for their own sanity, who found some sort of fame and commercialized for profit. You guys remind me of Rachel Ray and Paula Deen – so much raw reality and fun in the beginning, and then as soon as possible they become caricatures of themselves for profit.
So go ahead and make fun of me for being disappointed and stating it, I am not alone. I really did like your blog – before. And if you state that you write for yourself and not the entertainment of others then I disagree. You publicly write to the entire internet, hence the world. Not everyone will agree, and I understand that. Yet, expect distractors. I am sure you have my ISP address from this post, so block it from now on as A listers do when they don’t like comments. But know something, I REALLY DID like you BEFORE the COMMERCIALIZATION – make a buck, not a caricature.
SciFi Dad
I volunteer to give SG a wedgie, if you want me to.
I mean, seriously? By posting a comment chastising her for “commercializing” her blog, you became part of the commercialization process. You directed HER content to suit YOUR needs, YOUR ideas of what Redneck Mommy should be. Can you not see the irony? What would you have her do? Not reminisce about her son, her Bug? Not let her readers know where to vote for her? Publish two posts in one day? Think before you comment.
Happy Birthday, Bug. Your Momma misses you.
(Oh, and just remember: my bit in the roast was MUCH WORSE before I was censored.)
Hannah
Hey SG, Tanis donates every penny she earns from this site to charity, in Bug’s name.
Be careful about critiquing the motives of any blogger before you have all the facts.
SG
Sci Fi Dad, it was absolutely hard for me to post that comment and I did think before I posted it. I still feel the same, neither you nor her fans, nor she can dictate how I feel. I hate how I feel, but I feel it nonetheless.
I realize that I will be villainized for this comment, and beat up, and torn apart. Do you think anyone that disagrees automatically doesn’t have a clue what they are in for in a comment section of fans? It’s always easy to agree, but to disagree leaves the disagreeable person available to persecution by fans such as yourself. I am not calling her out as someone who has not felt pain or excruciating loss and I certainly am not interested in her receiving more attention because of my comment – but there are people who disagree, and I do in this post, and I have every right to state to so in a public forum – understanding that I will be torn apart for it because I am not the known, sympathetic person in this situation, but last I understood is that if you put yourself out there then you are available for dispute – redneck mommy and me as well.
Understand, I harbor no evil towards her, and have had a similar loss as her. I have issue with this post and have been reading for over a year without complaint. I have a right to my complaint.
If you don’t think anyone has the right to disagree then live the rest of your life without complaint to anyone – the gas station attendant, the dry cleaners, etc. because then no one has a right to complain or voice their opinion.
I wish RM well, on my own whether she excepts it or not, but that does not mean that I agree with ever move she makes publicly.
thordora
2009 is the Year of the Asshat and nobody told me, right?
Kyla
I bet birthdays kick ass in Heaven.
Dana
Hey SG – bad post in which to act like a douche. That which you criticized over is nothing in comparison to your arrogance. Ironic. You missed that because you were too desperate to have your opinion read – so much so that you didn’t bother to offer condolences or congratulations. You will get flak because you acted as such in THIS particular post, but go ahead and ignore that while you martyr yourself.
just beth
Commercialized?? SG, um, what?? Do you even know what that word means? She’s not hawking Pepsi products or something; she’s asking LOYAL readers to vote for her for an AWARD. An award that will possibly help validate the many, many hours she spends here, entertaining us and herself. I’m thankful she said something, because otherwise I wouldn’t have known to vote. So just shut up. And don’t go trying to be the martyr here with your whiny, ‘make fun of me for being disappointed’ crap. You’re just being mean, and you know it. I don’t care what you tell yourself you’re doing in order to sleep at night, but don’t gummy up my thoughts with your diatribe.
b.
habanerogal
Don’t change a thing we ALL love the Stollery and what they do for kids there trollz will come and go the end
Meg
Tanis, don’t worry about trolls and just keep doing what you’re doing. Thank you for sharing Shale’s birthday with us. I hope you and your family are holding up alright during such a memory-filled time (not like every day isn’t memory-filled, but you know…)
Happy birthday, Bug. Say hi to my Jack for me.
Crazeeredhead
Yea, what Dana said! You should have stayed under your rock with this one SG!
Tanis, don’t let this one get to you.
katie ~ motherbumper
After reading comments like the one from SG, I always wonder the same thing: why bother leaving a bitter comment like that instead of just moving on.
BTW since when is a template update is considered commercialization?
Mary-LUE
Commercialization? I don’t see that at all.
just beth
Um, while I was writing my previous comment, SG posted a reply to Sci Fi dad… so i’ll just ad this: you can disagree all you want, but accusing Tanis of all that you accused her of, and being flat-out WRONG about those accusations makes you a troll.
So go back under your bridge and wait for some goats, or some shit. You bother me.
Redneck Mommy
To each their own.
Like it or not, SG, I run ads on this site so that I can make a donation to a local children’s hospital in my son’s name.
All revenue I earn PIMPING out my blog goes straight into the pockets of the hospital and I don’t see a dime of it.
That said, I understand if you found my cross posting about my child with other small housekeeping items distasteful.
Like I said, to each their own.
Marinka
SG–There is a time and a place. And maybe the time to air your blog grievances isn’t on the day that a mother is observing her son’s birthday.
I am fairly new to this blog, but I come back for the honest writing. And the humor. And the “vote for me, dammit”s. You have every right to disagree and to complain, but how sharper than a serpent’s tooth and all that jazz. I’m sorry for your loss. No parent should go through that.
ellieranc
Happy Birthday, Bug. You are missed by many, including this ‘ole Mom in Pennsylvania who never had the blessing of meeting you.
SG – if you really don’t like the blog, don’t read it. I doubt you will be missed.
Maria
SG, I want to throttle you. And if you really have a similar loss as hers I want to throttle you to death. You should know that this was not the time or place to say any of what you said.
And you’re wrong. She’s said many times that her advertising monies go to charity.
You really annoy me, and I cannot believe that you would choose this time in which to be an asshole. She did not deserve this, and if you were ever TRULY a fan, you would not have done this.
You are a disgusting, vile person and I really hope you can see the wrong in what you’ve done as you hide behind your anonymous acronym.