I spent a large chunk of my weekend reading blog posts while chuffing back a bottle of Alberta-made ale and snorting to my husband as I surfed the net.
What made this weekend so very different than all the other weekends I have done this exact same thing (and yes, I do realize how sad my life has become,) is that the blog posts I read were all for me.
All around the internet, scattered like little Easter eggs hidden by a fat man in a bunny suit, Redneck Shower posts were written to celebrate the arrival of our new 5-year-old son as bloggers everywhere took the time to congratulate us and show the world how they too, have a little Redneck in them.
My heart swelled as I read one celebratory post after another and my pasty white arse cheeks jiggled as IÂ laughed reading and taking notes about how to be a better redneck mommy.
I couldn’t believe so many people would take the time to participate in an online shower welcoming my disabled son into my family and our online community. Then I realized y’all were fighting for the chance to win a wooden dildo.
(That sound you hear? It’s the air deflating out of my ego.)
Still, redneck prizes aside, my heart still swells with gratitude and love for each and every one of you who have sent me an email, a tweet, a comment or even wrote an entire post to congratulate my redneck clan.
There are no words. (Well, there are but let’s face it, my posts tend to be too damn long at the best of times.)
Yet, as the original Redneck Mommy online and reigning queen of Rednecks in Canada, I couldn’t let this opportunity pass to show you all how being a Redneck is really done.
Why spend money on fancy toys when Big Daddy Boo has a wheelbarrow?
Better yet, toss in a few sticks and you have TOYS. Plus the toddler is actually being useful. It’s win-win, y’all. What game is more fun than a rousing version of “Pick Up Sticks?”
Need I say more? Who needs money for safety tested and government certified playground equipment when you have an old tree stump and a board? It’s a fancy teeter totter.
How many of y’all can say you lived in a house that had WHEELS on it? Complete with it’s own TAILLIGHTS. Nothing says classy like watching yer old house being wheeled down the driveway.
A true Redneck knows that children don’t need no fancy bath tubs or showers. Just toss the lil’ buggers into the nearest mud pit and watch them frolic. Not only will it wash the stink off them, but it’ll provide hours of organic stimulation for yer youngsters.
You know you’re being raised a Redneck when your momma regularly tube feeds you outside as you sit in the gravel, barefooted and dirty, looking bored.
Redneck self portrait: You see no shame in capturing this moment in time, posting it on the net or looking like this as you drive to town to drop your children off at school and fill up your vehicle’s gas tank. While wearing fuzzy slippers.
To each and all of you, thank you. From the bottom of my Redneck heart.
Monday, 16 February, 2009 at 19:29
So, so, so happy for you!
Monday, 16 February, 2009 at 19:33
I just found your blog and I really like it. I’ve just spent an hour reading up on Bam Bam and how you lost him and my heart ached for you. I saw your references to losing “Bug” and that you were already in pain before losing Bam Bam.
I want to congratulate you on your new son. I hope you two can help one another heal. Hugs.
Monday, 16 February, 2009 at 20:26
Didn’t see the “shower post” thingy until too late…. but I feel the need to add a few things on behalf of the biggest redneck I know – my hubby (the son in the exchange below):
Redneck Sex Ed:
FIL to his 4 yo son: “Mate – stand here outside the cattle yards and give us a yell when the bull is over the cow”
Son: “Yeah Dad – he got her”.
“He got her again”.
“There he goes again Dad”.
“Now he’s chasing that other heifer Dad”. “He’s really jumping on that one Dad”
“I think he broke her back Dad”
“Geez he has a big d!ck Dad”
(and it may surprise you to know that I still married him after her revealed this gem to me … but after I saw him and his dad remove a big calf from a cow using some rope, a tractor and a truck, I made damn sure I was booked into hospital to have my babies).
Congrats again on your new little redneck
Monday, 16 February, 2009 at 20:53
Aw, ain’t yew purty…
Monday, 16 February, 2009 at 21:54
OMG, the rollers are killing me!
Ha!
Monday, 16 February, 2009 at 22:16
have just started reading your blog a few days ago. you are an angel. i wish there were more like you in this world. your story makes me bawl my eyes out, but you and your lovely family ROCK..much love to you all and congrats on your new edition
Monday, 16 February, 2009 at 22:32
Oh My God! Was that a picture with Boo’s whole face in it!!! We really got lucky today!
My suggestion for the new redneck’s name is “Beau.”
Monday, 16 February, 2009 at 22:34
Its because you define awesome. you rock.
Tuesday, 17 February, 2009 at 6:15
Is that really Boo??? Hubba Hubba
Tuesday, 17 February, 2009 at 8:35
I still say that most of what I read sounds more like a normal day in the South than anything special, but if you have to put a name on it then I will play along.
Congrats on the new addition to the Redneck clan.
Tuesday, 17 February, 2009 at 8:39
Other than raw jelousy and utter admiration, I have no words.
Tuesday, 17 February, 2009 at 8:54
I can’t believe I left this off my post last week… My four year old loves to play with his plastic food set. There is a bottle of soda among the fruits and fried chicken and sandwich fixins. But when he makes me “lunch” and brings me my drink, he says “Here’s your yunch, mommy. And don’t forget your beer!” Because see, we don’t drink soda out of bottles around here… Diet Coke tastes better out of a can. Beer, however, comes straight from the bottle. Such an observant little guy!
The best example of this came a couple weeks ago when I was on the phone with my brother. Rocco brought me a plate of food he had prepared for me and said “Here’s your beer!” very chipper-like. My brother burst out laughing and said “Did he just bring you a beer?” I had to explain the circumstances, but what’s funny is that it didn’t even seem weird to me that my four year old was “serving” me alcohol. Hell, as soon as he’s strong enough to maneuver a bottle of vodka, he’ll be mixing me cocktails!!
Tuesday, 17 February, 2009 at 9:13
BWA-HA-HA-HAHAHAHHA!! Love those pics. Reminds me of getting firewood with my dad and riding home on TOP of the load of firewood in the back of the pickup.
Tuesday, 17 February, 2009 at 9:46
Congrats to you! Had I known about the shower in time, I would’ve participated. Like how I participate in my own weekly showers.
Tuesday, 17 February, 2009 at 9:59
Congrats on the new boy! That is really wonderful…and so much love coming your way!
LOVE the photos, I think I may love tyou a little too!
Tuesday, 17 February, 2009 at 10:26
I don’t have a blog, otherwise I would have participated in the shower, too. But know that I am thinking of you and your family, and I’m incredibly happy for all of you! (I don’t have kids, but I do have two Uncle Spikes. That makes me part of the greater Redneck Family, right?)
Tuesday, 17 February, 2009 at 10:41
Some of those posts were AWESOME!! I hope that you and your boy had a great first weekend together =)
Tuesday, 17 February, 2009 at 10:50
gah. woman. i’m so sorry i missed this. you *know* i would have confessed ALL of my redneck ways. um, deep fried turkeys anyone???
i am so so so so so happy for you right now.
much love, love.
Tuesday, 17 February, 2009 at 11:13
Congrats!!!!
Tuesday, 17 February, 2009 at 11:17
I think we should all be thanking you for all the laughs and tears we have had here. You deserve all of the happiness you have coming your way, Congratulations!
I didn’t get a chance to post this weekend but many of my post show how truly Redneck my family can be. Thanks for making being a redneck COOL! heh!
Tuesday, 17 February, 2009 at 12:10
Delurking to yell a big ole congrats to you all.!! Love the home on wheels, the teeter totter, the swimin pool..lol. Don’t you just luv you a redneck family?:))))..Best of luck to you all.
Tuesday, 17 February, 2009 at 12:24
You deserve this happiness. How heartwearming and inspiring!
Tuesday, 17 February, 2009 at 12:44
Wow… I had no idea how neglected my kids are! Must throw them in pond ASAP!
Tuesday, 17 February, 2009 at 15:26
T.,
I just found your blog and I am amazed by the love shining through. Congratulations on a new member of the family and may you never experience the deep pain again.
Lots of love flying from Europe!
Tuesday, 17 February, 2009 at 17:36
Tanis, How about Boxer for the new boy? It was the first thing you showed us about him….
Tuesday, 17 February, 2009 at 18:11
I love you. Many blessings to you and your family!
Tuesday, 17 February, 2009 at 19:58
Tanis you look great!
Shall we start a campaign for tube feeding: anytime, anywhere
Tuesday, 17 February, 2009 at 20:21
I still think my two year old passed out on the floor of my closet with a scattering of Teddy Grahams and a bottle of Jim Beam trumps your ghetto-totter!
Love and hugs to all of you.
Tuesday, 17 February, 2009 at 21:09
All you need is a tractor tire & tarp swimming pool and you’ll have a Redneck carnival!
Big Blessings to you and yours!
Tuesday, 17 February, 2009 at 21:37
Congrats to you!!
Tuesday, 17 February, 2009 at 21:59
Found your site from Haley-O’s site, The Cheaty Monkey.
Oh. My. Goodness. You rock!
Bubba aka The Redneck Desert Dweller
Tuesday, 17 February, 2009 at 22:05
Hey Redneck Queen- You are my Mud Goddess. I welcomed and raised many foster children in my home and though the road is paved like a cheap city paying off a teamster gangster, it is worth every pot whole.
Love your blog, your can see your heart singing in every word. Bless you! Teri
Tuesday, 17 February, 2009 at 22:30
Well Tanis, because you wanted to know…here’s how to make a diaper cover outta Walmart bag and couple dish towels. I’m embarrassed I came up with this. Thank the gods my kids are teens now and they can devise their own underwear and toilet needs!
http://analogmoon.wordpress.com/2009/02/18/how-to-make-a-couple-of-dish-towels-and-a-walmart-bag-into-a-makeshift-diaperdiaper-cover-aka-you-might-be-a-redneck-mommy-if/
Oh and love the rollers!
Wednesday, 18 February, 2009 at 0:00
I didn’t think I was a Redneck Mommy until yesterday, when I confessed to Avitable that I went with my daughter when she got her tattoo.
And now I remember I have a wheelbarrow pic of my son. He was sitting on a pile of rocks.
You pic of Bug made my heart pound a little harder.
And your new little guy is just as beautiful.
Congratulations on your beautiful Redneck Family.
Wednesday, 18 February, 2009 at 0:33
The see-saw gets a big hee-haw from me!!
Wednesday, 18 February, 2009 at 5:33
The Bug pic got me – and man the tube-feeding thing hit home before I knew it and I am welling big-time.
We did that too – the old ‘tube into the belly’ thing. Hated and loved that tube at the same time.
How do you manage to make me laugh and cry at the same time? You are one brave cookie. Revel in your Redneck family darl…
BB
Wednesday, 18 February, 2009 at 7:19
Love to post. Have checked out http://www.drbukk.com/gmhom/park.html ?
Wednesday, 18 February, 2009 at 9:50
Ok you win…but seriously I tried.
Smooches and huge love to you and the fam.
Wednesday, 18 February, 2009 at 10:36
I totally missed the shower festivities and I feel awful, but I still wanted to come over anc say, “Congratulations!”
I’m so happy for you and your family. How exciting!
I’m getting kind of misty-eyed myself!
Thursday, 19 February, 2009 at 1:09
You’re the best Redneck mama there is! I’m so happy he is home where he should be!
Thursday, 19 February, 2009 at 8:39
I’m a little late to the party but I got SM to agree to this just for you:
http://ms-sassy-pants.blogspot.com/2009/02/redneck-babyshower.html
Wednesday, 25 February, 2009 at 16:58
This looks just like where I live in KY
We’re hillbillys! BTW, congratulations!
Monday, 2 March, 2009 at 11:27
I’m so happy about your wonderful news. This sounds unbelievably cheesy, but you are an inspiration.
Congratulations!!