Today a friend of mine said good bye to her daughter and watched as she grew angel wings and flew away.
Madeline Alice Spohr died. She was 17 months old.
Old wounds are ripped wide open and my heart is shredded with the agony I know Heather and Mike are feeling.
There are no adequate words, no gestures, no anything that can erase or even dent the breathtaking pain my friends feel.
I know because that pain lies buried inside me, barely beneath my surface, just waiting for a single second in time when the reins I hold tightly in my hands slip a little and my grief jumps to reclaim it’s visible place on my soul.
I wish on every star in the universe that Heather and Mike did not know this loss. I wish with every cell in my body that I didn’t have to welcome my friends into this parenting club where the only requirement for membership is having drown in an ocean of grief after losing a child.
I wish, I wish with a million spilled tears that Maddie was alive and my Shale was sleeping safely in his bed down the hall.
I wish that Heather and Mike would never have to live the rest of their lives wishing for one more moment, one more snuggle, one more kiss.
I wish they never knew the feeling of walking out of a hospital empty handed and heavy hearted.
I wish, with every beat of my heart, that upon hearing of Maddie’s death I wasn’t instantly transported back to that moment of time when I stood before my own son and begged, BEGGED him to breathe.
I wish I was stronger but I’m not.
I wish I never knew the horror of losing a child and understanding completely what it means when another parent loses their child. I wish I could only imagine instead of knowing.
I wish, I wish that Heather and Mike find the peace that has eluded me these last three years and can show me how to find it myself.
Sweet dreams little Maddie. I’m sending my Bug to greet you.
***For those who are inclined, the Spohrs are requesting that in lieu of flowers donations be made in Madeline’s honor to the March of Dimes.***
sam {temptingmama}
*bawling*
Oh Tanis. What a beautiful post. *sigh*
I am so shocked and heart broken.
Karen Sugarpants
Oh Tanis, this is heartwrenching. I so wish none of you felt this pain. This totally pulls me back to when Dylan (age 3 months) was sick with Kawasaki’s Disease and the nurses sent me home for ‘a good nights sleep’ after day 5 – at the time we weren’t sure it was KD, nor were we sure the treatment would work. I reluctantly went home empty. I cried so hard, on the floor of his room, beside his crib. It was horrible.
I can’t imagine having that awful feeling be permanent. My heart truly aches for you, for Heather and Mike…xo
rachel-asouthernfairytale
You made me sob all over again.
That was perfect, Tanis.
I’m sorry, again, for your loss and for Heather and Mike, my heart has just shattered.
always home and uncool
You’re a good soul, Tanis. You and the Sphors and all the parents who have lost young children deserve better lots in life and long, restful peace of mind forever after.
Kyla
I can’t even imagine.
Bug will take good care of Maddie and you will be such a support for Heather and Mike.
I wish it were different, though, for all of you.
Dijea
My heart broke reading this. No parent should every have to experience this. It goes against nature to have to bury your child.
Mike & Heather are lucky to have you to lean on and know that they are not alone. Know that you have every reader here to lean on. God bless you and may you find joy in remembrance instead of pain in loss.
Loretta
My thoughts and prayers are with your friends.
foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog)
I can’t even imagine, and I wish you and Heather and Mike didn’t even have to know…prayers for all of you…
Lesha
I don’t even have words.
I couldn’t get onto their site this morning to check on Maddie’s status. I wondered why. This is heartbreaking.
My heart goes out to them, their families. And to you Tanis. If nothing else, at least they have you as a friend to help share their grief…
Why…just, why….
Headless Mom
Prayers for you today, Tanis. I hate that you’re reliving this again. And prayers for Heather and Mike. I’m just sick.
Malia
Beautiful and heartbreaking, Tanis. I’m so very heartbroken over this. But I thank you so much for posting this. Peace to you and the Spohrs.
Jessi
I am adding Heather and Mike to my prayer group’s list. I am heartbroken. I’m a member of the club, too and I have never hated a club so much.
Bellamomma
Sending hugs for you ~ I can’t imagine what *knowing* they are going through puts you through. You’ve been there, you know their thoughts & their pain today … I’m crying in empathy for all of you. I can’t even begin to fathom the loss of a child you’ve held & comforted & snuggled & kissed on & prayed over through so many long nights. No parent should have to know that pain. No child should have to go so soon.
Haley-O
I’m speechless. But I was here. I read this. I’m performing the act of commenting, but am commentless. This is all too heartbreaking. ((hugs)) ((wishes))
Mark
been there, done that, felt that.
The tears in my eyes tell me I STILL feel that.
After 30 years I guess its not going away. All I can offer is that your not alone and that I understand.
Loural
12 years later the pain still comes when I hear of a parent burying their child and I see my parents faces again, see their anguish.
No parent should bury a child, no parent should go through that horrendous awful tearing grief and I pray to god that I will never have to feel that pain…because I don’t think I’ll be strong enough.
My thoughts and prayers to you Tanis and to your friends Heather and Mike.
Motherhood Uncensored
No words.
For Heather or for you.
Her pain. Your pain. We share it with you in the hopes that perhaps it will be easier.
If only just for a moment.
anymommy
I don’t have a single word. I’ve followed beautiful Maddie and Heather and Mike’s love and life for almost a year. I’m so sorry Heather and Mike. Peace, angel girl.
fidget
<3 there really are no word, just love love love for you, for them, for bug, for maddie
Joy
May my tears today keep vigil with those shed the world over for little Madeline, your Shale, and for all the other angels watching over us…