Today a friend of mine said good bye to her daughter and watched as she grew angel wings and flew away.
Madeline Alice Spohr died. She was 17 months old.
Old wounds are ripped wide open and my heart is shredded with the agony I know Heather and Mike are feeling.
There are no adequate words, no gestures, no anything that can erase or even dent the breathtaking pain my friends feel.
I know because that pain lies buried inside me, barely beneath my surface, just waiting for a single second in time when the reins I hold tightly in my hands slip a little and my grief jumps to reclaim it’s visible place on my soul.
I wish on every star in the universe that Heather and Mike did not know this loss. I wish with every cell in my body that I didn’t have to welcome my friends into this parenting club where the only requirement for membership is having drown in an ocean of grief after losing a child.
I wish, I wish with a million spilled tears that Maddie was alive and my Shale was sleeping safely in his bed down the hall.
I wish that Heather and Mike would never have to live the rest of their lives wishing for one more moment, one more snuggle, one more kiss.
I wish they never knew the feeling of walking out of a hospital empty handed and heavy hearted.
I wish, with every beat of my heart, that upon hearing of Maddie’s death I wasn’t instantly transported back to that moment of time when I stood before my own son and begged, BEGGED him to breathe.
I wish I was stronger but I’m not.
I wish I never knew the horror of losing a child and understanding completely what it means when another parent loses their child. I wish I could only imagine instead of knowing.
I wish, I wish that Heather and Mike find the peace that has eluded me these last three years and can show me how to find it myself.
Sweet dreams little Maddie. I’m sending my Bug to greet you.
***For those who are inclined, the Spohrs are requesting that in lieu of flowers donations be made in Madeline’s honor to the March of Dimes.***
Wednesday, 8 April, 2009 at 10:44
What horrific news this was. So, so heartbreaking. The image of Bug and Maddie frolicking about makes me smile though.
Wednesday, 8 April, 2009 at 11:05
I thought of you today, and of other mother’s I know or read who have had impossible losses. Sending out wishes for peace.
Wednesday, 8 April, 2009 at 11:09
I am praying for this family and for you & your family too, Tanis! I can only imagine what they are going through right now and my heart just breaks for families who have lost their precious children.
Wednesday, 8 April, 2009 at 11:09
They are in our thoughts and prayers.
Wednesday, 8 April, 2009 at 11:10
This is a pain I can’t understand. My heart is breaking for every parent that has had to feel this type of pain.
You and everyone else is in my thoughts and prayers
Wednesday, 8 April, 2009 at 11:13
No words. Just saddness
Wednesday, 8 April, 2009 at 11:13
my heart is broken for you and the Spohrs.
Wednesday, 8 April, 2009 at 11:16
I came here specifically, out of concern for Heather, to see if you and she are friends, knowing that of all the folks I “know” out there, you are highest on the list of “what she needs.” I know I personally have nothing to offer her, besides my love and my own little piece of heartbreak, neither of which (I’m sure) are as real to her as they are to me.
Reading your post was a smack in the face for me.
I am feeling SO ineffective and useless for Heather right now, and since most of the blogs I frequent, I found through other blogs, I thought there was a pretty good chance you’d encountered one another, and that if you weren’t already good friends, that perhaps I could somehow tell you what happened, point you her way – offer her love by proxy help through you, who can BE effective for her and whose voice she WILL listen to.
How could I not have realized that sharing in this with Heather is just another twist of the knife in your own heart? How could I not have realized that, in addition to somehow “looking out for Heather” by making sure you knew about her, I needed to come and look out for you too: to share in your renewed grief, express my gut wrenches [as scornful as you could rightfully be of their pitiful lack of depth and true understanding] and tell you this:
All celebrities, major or minor, from movie stars down to pastors to bloggers to political figures, have unknown friends. A pastor gets up each week and uses stories from his own life and family to illustrate points. He expresses his personality week after week in the words, tones, and gestures he uses. A hundred people sit and listen and “learn him” – get to know him more intimately than he will ever know them. Some of them may decide that they’re incompatible.
But a great many of them will realize that he is their friend. He may not consider them his friends: he may not know them well enough to care about them, they may not have opportunities to interact with him, do him favors, and otherwise express love to him via their various love languages.
But these strangers ARE his friend: they love him, as far as they can with what of him they know. And to love a person makes a friend of you both.
And so we DO care about you — genuinely, and in many cases, deeply. I’m sorry it didn’t occur to me sooner that you would need my care too.
For what it’s worth, you have it.
Wednesday, 8 April, 2009 at 11:20
My heart is broken and tears have been flowing since last night. Oh sweet Maddie I wish this wasn’t true. I am in shock and just can’t believe this.
Wednesday, 8 April, 2009 at 11:25
There are no words…no words.My heart goes out to your friends and to you. No parent should ever have to suffer a loss of this magnitude. They’re lucky to have you in their life and I hope that friendship will provide them with some kind of comfort. I am also so sorry for all this brings to the surface for you. I am amazed at your ongoing resilience through the toughest of times. You are an inspiration to all of us, Tanis.
Wednesday, 8 April, 2009 at 12:01
I just found out about Maddie a few moments ago. My heart breaks for their family and for all families who have endured such tragedy.
Wednesday, 8 April, 2009 at 12:22
This is a beautiful and heart-wrenching post, but through the pain there is so much love and support. Thank you for walking in the March for Babies. Every dollar does help, as we fight for all babies.
Wednesday, 8 April, 2009 at 13:18
The strength in your words will be a comfort for your friends in this, their grieving time. They are lucky to have you and all the support from everyone here. Thank you for an emotional post.
Wednesday, 8 April, 2009 at 13:47
I wish there were words that could bring some comfort or peace, but I know there are not. Please know that we are here witnessing, caring, and wishing those wishes with you…
Wednesday, 8 April, 2009 at 13:54
Unbelievably sad. I’ve read many posts in Maddie’s honour today, and I can’t imagine the pain. Definitely on my way to make a donation. Beautiful post, thank you.
Wednesday, 8 April, 2009 at 13:56
it’s amazing the support that they are being welcomed into. thank you for being a much larger part of that then i could ever be.
Wednesday, 8 April, 2009 at 14:27
Every time I turn around on the blogosphere today, I encounter this and it just sucks the breath from me. My heart is shattered for them. I pray they are able to find some peace.
Wednesday, 8 April, 2009 at 14:35
I whisper your name… to myself.
I whisper… I miss you, and I love you.
I whisper… I’m thinking of you.
I whisper… goodnight until we meet again.
I whisper… take care and hope your angel ears
can hear my whispers here on earth.
I whisper… because I am afraid that if I speak
too loud, my heart will hear and break
again…
So I just whisper…
Author unknown
I am so, so sorry – this poem helped me when my mother died.
Wednesday, 8 April, 2009 at 15:06
i’m a new-ish reader to your blog. and i’ve never read the sphors blog. but regardless…my heart breaks for their loss. and your loss. and i hope that i will never know that kind of pain.
my thoughts and prayers are with them…and you.
Wednesday, 8 April, 2009 at 15:35
*Sigh*
Wednesday, 8 April, 2009 at 16:25
My heart breaks for the parents who have joined an exclusive club with way too many members.
This post was hard to read through my tears and sobs. I too am a grieving member of the same club Mike, Heather and Tanis joined.
My Jennifer died 38 years ago at 3 weeks of age. I still grieve for her loss of life.
Wednesday, 8 April, 2009 at 17:09
I didn’t have the pleasure of knowing Maddie. But I’ve seen her pictures on the hundreds of blogs that have posted a tribute to that adorable little face today. My heart goes out to Heather and her husband on the loss of their little angel. No parent should have to live through this. My blessings and prayers and healing love to all of them, and you as well Tanis. Bug and Maddie are having a ball together, I’m sure of it.
Wednesday, 8 April, 2009 at 18:50
me too.
Wednesday, 8 April, 2009 at 19:30
I first read about this on another blog I visisted a lot. There is no rhyme nor reason for this heartbrake.
Wednesday, 8 April, 2009 at 20:31
I am, quite literally, choking on my tears after reading this. No one should have to feel this. No one. Ever. My brain understands this, my heart does not.
My heart aches.
Wednesday, 8 April, 2009 at 20:39
I know this pain and even after 26 years my heart breaks and I grieve anew when reading about a new member who has joined this exclusive and horrible club. My Jennifer died suddenly at 3 years of age and there will always be a hole in my heart.
Wednesday, 8 April, 2009 at 21:16
The weight on my heart makes me gasp, knowing so fully how little I really know about this pain. Thinking of every parent and every child that’s ever been separated before it was time.
Wednesday, 8 April, 2009 at 21:35
Your wonderful baby and Maddie are smiling down and wishing their beloved families were not in so much pain.
God be with the Spohrs, and with you as well as you’re having to relive your nightmare through this tragedy. You are an amazing woman for keeping your head above water through what you had to endure. Stay strong, the blogosphere is behind you.
Wednesday, 8 April, 2009 at 22:51
I only met Maddie once, but Heather and Mike’s loss, now compounded by yours just has me feeling like my heart is ripped out. How can this happen? I’m numb with grief for you all.
God bless you and the souls of your beautiful children.
Thursday, 9 April, 2009 at 0:45
I lost my Shawn 17 years ago this coming April 22.He was not a baby- he was 18 years old and very ill and delusional with the ugliest of mental diseases-schizophrenia.
But, he was THE most loving boy I ever met- the action which led to his death was going to cause the universe to slide into a new dimension and there would be world peace forever.
At least he left us in an exalted and happy way…for him.
Yet, he WAS my baby- he is my baby still.
I would give anything for a moment with him- for a sign…..for one more hug and “I love you, Mom”…
The bitter truth is that it never “gets better”. You learn to cope -you may become a stronger better person- I hope I have.
But just under the surface, there is always the agony of “I just want him back!!!!”
The loss of Maddie is unspeakably horrible-I want to tell those parents something helpful but, the truth is that it is as bad as anything ever gets.
Hug your kids, hug your grand-kids-never forget how precarious life is and make the most of every moment.
Still grieving in Ontario, wanting my Shawn-and in agony for Heather and Mike.
Thursday, 9 April, 2009 at 4:02
I couldn’t even get past the first sentence of your post without bursting into tears.
It’s awful, this solidarity. It’s painful. And now, we welcome another mommy into our little club. The price we all pay for admission into this collective of shattered hearts, hopes and dreams is far too great.
My heart absolutely breaks for Mike and Heather.
Thursday, 9 April, 2009 at 6:23
Beautifully written Tanis, wish that you were not welcoming new members to that club that nobody ever wants to join. Heather and Mike are in good hands with such wonderful friends. Love to all.
Thursday, 9 April, 2009 at 7:57
I know that there is nothing I could say that would make this any less painful,unfair & terrible, but I did not want to read it & just move on. I am so sorry for their loss, & so very sorry that you have to go through the same feelings again as well. I wish there was something I, or anyone for that matter,could do. These things are not supposed to ever happen.
I am so so sorry.
we will light a candle for her tonight.
Thursday, 9 April, 2009 at 11:13
there are no words……nothing can make it right….
So I will just say my thoughts are with you, your firends, and anyone else that has lost a child.
Thursday, 9 April, 2009 at 12:31
If there is a Hell On Earth, losing a child surely must be it. We are very fortunate today that losing a child has become less common. My Grand Parents out lived 4 of their 7 children. I do not know where they got the strength to carry on living. God must have carried them.
Thursday, 9 April, 2009 at 13:49
truly heartbreaking…just glad they have friends like you.
Thursday, 9 April, 2009 at 14:26
It’s the worst club in the universe, the parents’ who’ve lost a child club. I cannot fathom. Thinking of you, Heather, Matt and all of the other members of that horrible, unfair and unthinkable club.
Thursday, 9 April, 2009 at 15:08
I have tears running down my cheeks. I lost two beautiful sons…and every word you typed struck my heart!
Thursday, 9 April, 2009 at 15:13
I’m so sorry for your friend sadly we know the pain and that it never goes away.
Hugs to all
Dorothy from grammology
grammology.com
Thursday, 9 April, 2009 at 22:18
I have been wading through all of the posts in Maddie’s honor.. and just found yours. I have read it all. Yeah, a little OCD but that’s how I roll.
I know you wish you were stronger… but I wish I had 1/100th of your strength. There is so much beauty in this world… but to be capable of expressing such loss, such raw pain with the truest of beauty in honest forms… that, my new favorite blogger, is poetry. Thank you.
CeCe
Friday, 10 April, 2009 at 9:46
I have to be honest Tanis, after the initial soul shuddering and gut wrenching moments immediately following hearing about Maddie, you were the first person I thought of.
There are not enough words, nor tears for me to shed to express my condolences to Heather and Mike, and to you yet again.
Friday, 10 April, 2009 at 15:55
Thank you for reminding me about many families that have lost a child. Their and your grief is beyond comprehension for so many of us that can only imagine. My prayers go out to the scarred, the scabbed and the still fresh wounds of those who have experienced this horrible human experience. None of us should have to bury our children.
Hugs,
Sue
Friday, 10 April, 2009 at 16:53
Tanis, if this is not a testament to your heart and the depth of your soul, I donot know what is. May God Bless her parents and also you.
Friday, 10 April, 2009 at 17:54
You have the uncanny knack of being able to make me cry just as hard as you make me laugh. I’m so sorry for the loss your friends are experiencing, and the fact that you are experiencing it freshly, too. Much love.
Friday, 10 April, 2009 at 19:47
i’m a part of this “club” that no parent should ever have to be a part of. tonight, i will remember heather, mike, and maddie in my prayers.
Friday, 10 April, 2009 at 20:05
I will wear a purple shirt on Tuesday for Maddie. All of us can and maybe just a bit of the love and thoughts will reach her family on that day.
Saturday, 11 April, 2009 at 2:29
Tanis, may you find peace. May Heather and Mike find peace. Thank you for sharing your pain…I know there are those out there that needed to read this. To know they aren’t crazy and that others have felt the same.
T.
Saturday, 11 April, 2009 at 9:04
So sad and so beautifully said. Thank you for sharing this.
I didn’t follow @mamasphor but I followed @overflowinbrain. Tuesday as I settled in to watch Idol, @overflowinbrain tweeted “@mamaspohr Many prayers, hopes and good thoughts coming your way.” I couldn’t help but click through. @mamasphor’s tweetstream was chilling, and after clicking through to much of beautiful Maddie’s life story, I went to sleep with these people I’d never heard of only hours before, in my heart. All this week, I’ve watched from afar this remarkable response online, in the Twittersphere & blogosphere, amazed, feeling joy in the power of virtual friendship, and so randomly fortunate, unfairly blessed, that we celebrated the youngest of my three sons’ 21st birthday on Monday.
Parenthood never ends. Our love for these children never subsides, whether they grow and change into adults or are taken from us, forever young.
Saturday, 11 April, 2009 at 9:30
My Sara is there, too. My heart hurts for all of you…and understands.
Saturday, 11 April, 2009 at 9:35
I went on a long hike yesterday, and I came upon a bench that was inscribed to someone’s beloved baby girl. My breath caught when I saw the 2006-2007 part of the inscription. I can’t ever know what its like…hugs for you, sister.