Today a friend of mine said good bye to her daughter and watched as she grew angel wings and flew away.
Madeline Alice Spohr died. She was 17 months old.
Old wounds are ripped wide open and my heart is shredded with the agony I know Heather and Mike are feeling.
There are no adequate words, no gestures, no anything that can erase or even dent the breathtaking pain my friends feel.
I know because that pain lies buried inside me, barely beneath my surface, just waiting for a single second in time when the reins I hold tightly in my hands slip a little and my grief jumps to reclaim it’s visible place on my soul.
I wish on every star in the universe that Heather and Mike did not know this loss. I wish with every cell in my body that I didn’t have to welcome my friends into this parenting club where the only requirement for membership is having drown in an ocean of grief after losing a child.
I wish, I wish with a million spilled tears that Maddie was alive and my Shale was sleeping safely in his bed down the hall.
I wish that Heather and Mike would never have to live the rest of their lives wishing for one more moment, one more snuggle, one more kiss.
I wish they never knew the feeling of walking out of a hospital empty handed and heavy hearted.
I wish, with every beat of my heart, that upon hearing of Maddie’s death I wasn’t instantly transported back to that moment of time when I stood before my own son and begged, BEGGED him to breathe.
I wish I was stronger but I’m not.
I wish I never knew the horror of losing a child and understanding completely what it means when another parent loses their child. I wish I could only imagine instead of knowing.
I wish, I wish that Heather and Mike find the peace that has eluded me these last three years and can show me how to find it myself.
Sweet dreams little Maddie. I’m sending my Bug to greet you.
***For those who are inclined, the Spohrs are requesting that in lieu of flowers donations be made in Madeline’s honor to the March of Dimes.***
Auds at Barking Mad
I couldn’t even get past the first sentence of your post without bursting into tears.
It’s awful, this solidarity. It’s painful. And now, we welcome another mommy into our little club. The price we all pay for admission into this collective of shattered hearts, hopes and dreams is far too great.
My heart absolutely breaks for Mike and Heather.
habanerogal
Beautifully written Tanis, wish that you were not welcoming new members to that club that nobody ever wants to join. Heather and Mike are in good hands with such wonderful friends. Love to all.
Miri
I know that there is nothing I could say that would make this any less painful,unfair & terrible, but I did not want to read it & just move on. I am so sorry for their loss, & so very sorry that you have to go through the same feelings again as well. I wish there was something I, or anyone for that matter,could do. These things are not supposed to ever happen.
I am so so sorry.
we will light a candle for her tonight.
Silvana
there are no words……nothing can make it right….
So I will just say my thoughts are with you, your firends, and anyone else that has lost a child.
Bazoo
If there is a Hell On Earth, losing a child surely must be it. We are very fortunate today that losing a child has become less common. My Grand Parents out lived 4 of their 7 children. I do not know where they got the strength to carry on living. God must have carried them.
tony
truly heartbreaking…just glad they have friends like you.
Scary Mommy
It’s the worst club in the universe, the parents’ who’ve lost a child club. I cannot fathom. Thinking of you, Heather, Matt and all of the other members of that horrible, unfair and unthinkable club.
Jurilei
I have tears running down my cheeks. I lost two beautiful sons…and every word you typed struck my heart!
Dorothy Stahlnecker
I’m so sorry for your friend sadly we know the pain and that it never goes away.
Hugs to all
Dorothy from grammology
grammology.com
CeCe Garrett
I have been wading through all of the posts in Maddie’s honor.. and just found yours. I have read it all. Yeah, a little OCD but that’s how I roll.
I know you wish you were stronger… but I wish I had 1/100th of your strength. There is so much beauty in this world… but to be capable of expressing such loss, such raw pain with the truest of beauty in honest forms… that, my new favorite blogger, is poetry. Thank you.
CeCe
Michellew_
I have to be honest Tanis, after the initial soul shuddering and gut wrenching moments immediately following hearing about Maddie, you were the first person I thought of.
There are not enough words, nor tears for me to shed to express my condolences to Heather and Mike, and to you yet again.
Sue
Thank you for reminding me about many families that have lost a child. Their and your grief is beyond comprehension for so many of us that can only imagine. My prayers go out to the scarred, the scabbed and the still fresh wounds of those who have experienced this horrible human experience. None of us should have to bury our children.
Hugs,
Sue
Robin
Tanis, if this is not a testament to your heart and the depth of your soul, I donot know what is. May God Bless her parents and also you.
LizB
You have the uncanny knack of being able to make me cry just as hard as you make me laugh. I’m so sorry for the loss your friends are experiencing, and the fact that you are experiencing it freshly, too. Much love.
patti
i’m a part of this “club” that no parent should ever have to be a part of. tonight, i will remember heather, mike, and maddie in my prayers.
Beth
I will wear a purple shirt on Tuesday for Maddie. All of us can and maybe just a bit of the love and thoughts will reach her family on that day.
T@SendChocolate
Tanis, may you find peace. May Heather and Mike find peace. Thank you for sharing your pain…I know there are those out there that needed to read this. To know they aren’t crazy and that others have felt the same.
T.
Sophmom
So sad and so beautifully said. Thank you for sharing this.
I didn’t follow @mamasphor but I followed @overflowinbrain. Tuesday as I settled in to watch Idol, @overflowinbrain tweeted “@mamaspohr Many prayers, hopes and good thoughts coming your way.” I couldn’t help but click through. @mamasphor’s tweetstream was chilling, and after clicking through to much of beautiful Maddie’s life story, I went to sleep with these people I’d never heard of only hours before, in my heart. All this week, I’ve watched from afar this remarkable response online, in the Twittersphere & blogosphere, amazed, feeling joy in the power of virtual friendship, and so randomly fortunate, unfairly blessed, that we celebrated the youngest of my three sons’ 21st birthday on Monday.
Parenthood never ends. Our love for these children never subsides, whether they grow and change into adults or are taken from us, forever young.
Chrissy
My Sara is there, too. My heart hurts for all of you…and understands.
qt
I went on a long hike yesterday, and I came upon a bench that was inscribed to someone’s beloved baby girl. My breath caught when I saw the 2006-2007 part of the inscription. I can’t ever know what its like…hugs for you, sister.