Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there lived a blonde haired little princess girl, who liked to wear the Emperor’s New Clothes as often as possible, ate nothing but sausages and held a plush phallus clutched tightly to her bosom most times of the day.

This was obviously a child after my own dirty heart.

(I mean, the child likes to dance naked and play with penises. I think we may have been separated by birth and 30 years.)

Corrupting a child has never been more fun.

However there were dragons to be slayed (or in my case, a credit card that needed to be paid down before flight tickets could be purchased) and time passed and the princess girl grew older and I feared I would never have the opportunity to hear her angelic laughter or witness her dancing with fairy-like grace as she played in the grass.

But as luck would have it, my very own knight in shining armour galloped in to the rescue (after growing weary of hearing his wife whine about not being able to meet this magical little princess in person) and bestowed upon me the ability to fly across the country to partake in the magical kingdom known as Their Bad Mother’s House.

(Side note: Once my knight in shining armour finally arrives home this grateful damsel in distress will be bestowing her own special brand of gratitude at his feet or anywhere the knight would like. Ahem.)

It is not often that a Redneck damsel such as myself, gets to meet the princess darling of her heart friend, and I was a little nervous. I wanted to make a good impression, imprint upon this special girl a memory of redneckedness wonder to remember me by, so I did what any thoughtful and caring internet aunty would do. I prepared to bribe the princess child with candy.

I have no shame.

I needn’t have worried. The princess with her phallic plushy and me, the Redneck with my phallic-minded personality were well suited to sit under the stars and dance beneath the moon.

The similarities are eerie.

We became inseparable, loving one another with each new beat of their hearts, each one wrapping around the other’s soul as long lost friends are meant to do, as my beloved heart friend and the Princess’s baby brother watched in awe and wonder.

All together too quickly, the visit came to an end and my Redneck self was forced to leave behind the Princess and her family, a family that is now so deeply woven into my own soul it feels like it is a natural extension of my own, and we sat beside the flowers discussing all things fairy and phallus before it was time once more, for me to leave the magical kingdom and fly home to my own special castle.

No worries J-Bone, I have my sights set on corrupting you next.

It is not often that one is invited into the inner sanctum of another’s family to meet their princesses and princes and sleep on their sofa beds underneath their castle’s roof, but my heart friend made sure to lower the draw bridge and invite me in. Into her heart and her home.

More importantly, my heart friend and her handsome (hubba hubba) husband only laughed and encouraged my phallic-minded personality to further corrupt their princess with the phallic plushy and never threw me out on my arse even after I encouraged their spritely daughter to ask her daddy if he liked to ‘rub and tug’ and if she could have some spotted dick for breakfast.

I am honored and delighted to have had the chance to at long last meet her special princess friend and thrilled to be able to corrupt her heart friend’s children with my own special brand of glee.

After all, every little Princess should have a Redneck to call her own.

I am pleased to be Miss E’s.

Seriously, this kid should have been born to me.

Although, I will totally understand if, after this post is read, I never get invited to another house again. However, hearing Miss E tell me how her mom likes to ride the pole put enough love in my phallic-minded heart to ride the exhaust fumes of joy forever.