I have been blogging for what seems like forever in the world of online blogging. Four years. My blog, she is an old and crippled thing already. I can no longer consider myself a newbie at this online writing gig.
But for as long as I’ve been blogging, I’ve been parenting longer. For almost thirteen years now. I’ve got four kids and a schwack of parenting experience under my belt.
Because of this, I rarely jump on any of the band wagon issues that continually make the rounds in the mommy blogosphere. It all seems old hat to me and I never feel like I have anything new or fresh or interesting to add to the conversation. Let the other’s speak for me because there is always someone out there who can say it better than I can.
But this latest mommy blog fever about how declaring oneself a bad mother is nothing but a trend, a social media ploy to sell books or get traffic has quite frankly incited my ire and fury, similar to when a 14 year old boy bullies my 12 year old daughter and bloodies her nose.
It pisses me off enough to make me want to jump on my soap box and break out my bullhorn.
So I am adding my voice to the discussion and breaking my own blog ethics by chiming in.
Where’s Black Hockey Jesus to compose a musical for bad mothering when you need him?
It’s time for a little redneck edumacation if you will.
Oh ya, I’m about to get all sanctimommy-ish and up in yer grill. Now would be the time to click the big red X if you’re not up for a little cussing.
You see, I have had a unique experience that most parents never have had the pleasure of enduring. For the last three plus years I have had my parenting and every parental decision I have ever made, put under a microscope to be dissected and analyzed by a plethora of ‘child raising experts.’
I know first hand just how damaging the social media construct of what a GOOD mother is and the consequences of bucking that trend by being an atypical mother, someone who is unabashedly ‘BAD’.
And I was being bad on my blog and real life before it became the hottest media trend. I was country when country wasn’t cool. (Sorry, couldn’t resist.)
It started the night Shalebug died and having to spending the next three months facing the firing squad with various Albertan coroners over why my son mysteriously and suddenly died and what did I do to cause it? Those f*ckers were determined to find neglectful or inept parenting as cause of death. In yer face you over-educated schmucks! (Ahem. I’m not bitter. Really. Okay, fack yes I am bitter still. It was a nightmare. Almost worse than having your kid drop dead on you in the first place.)
There is nothing quite like the rigorous investigation of an untimely death by authorities who have the power not only to take away your remaining children but to sentence you to be somebody’s bitch at the local prison while fighting over a bar of soap to strip down your parental beliefs and self-examine your definition of what ‘good’ parenting really is.
Having survived that festive period of time with more scars on me than a man sentenced to 20 lashes for stealing a loaf of bread, I figured I would publicly document my ‘bad parenting’ for the world to see and hence the birth of this blog.
Cuz what’s more fun than writing from the heart to document my experiences with my children and then to be indirectly criticized for “endlessly tapping the vein of faux self deprecation for shock value or cheap laughs or sympathy.”
For the record, there is nothing faux about my self deprecation. Ask my therapist.
Then, as if having my community, my family and myself examine and doubt my parenting skills wasn’t enough fun, my husband and I decided to jump through hoops of fire in a bid to adopt. Not only was my parenting and very inner core examined through this process but again last summer when I was falsely accused of being a baby beater.
For more years than I care to admit, I have had to do nothing but jump through hoops to prove I am not a ‘bad’ mother.
My kids have been questioned, analyzed and dissected and I’ve answered more personality diagnosis multiple choice questions than a crazy person tossed in the loony bin.
A child psychologist invaded my home and sat on my furniture to observe the effect of my parenting on my children’s precious psyches.
I’ve sat at a table of six judgmental professionals and defended my parenting style and choices over and over again.
They didn’t want to, (especially after they discovered my blog) but they HAD to stamp me a ‘good mom’ because according to them, and I quote, “despite Tanis’s unique parenting style, her children are well-adjusted, emotionally happy and highly functional children.”
DESPITE. Not ‘because of’, but despite my parenting. God I love parenting professionals.
What I have learned through all of this and ultimately, my point to this long winded diatribe, is that nothing matters as long as your children turn out to be happy, thriving, functional and well-adjusted adults. (‘Cept Jumby. He may not be functional in the tradional sense of the world but he’ll steal your heart with his smile and his amazingly well-adjusted personality.)
I choose to embrace ‘bad‘ mothering. It’s the only mothering I really know how to do. I am not archetypal mother who dons an apron and helicopters her children. My children happily roam free range, pee in pools and pick their noses.
I am the mother who rejects the dominant cultural narrative of what defines a ‘good’ mother. I am the mother who calls herself a bad mom with her tongue in cheek, not because I am employing a transparent, unimaginative marketing ploy but because I am okay with my imperfections as a parent which goes against the societal imperative for perfection.
It’s not that I’m reveling in ‘bad’ parenting, I’m simply acknowledging that society’s rigid dictates of what a ‘good’ mother is, is not for me. I am not calling myself bad in order to bait people into saying what a good mother I am, I am calling myself bad to share my insecurities and doubts with other mothers (and fathers) who have felt the same pressure to be the perfect parent and wonder why it’s not enough just to love and protect one’s child without having to live up to a definition of parenting that fits as well as a strait jacket.
I am not conforming to media labels, nor trying to influence the next generation of mothers to embrace neglectful parenting. I am neither trying to glamorize the definition of bad parenting nor bastardize the definition of good parenting. I am simply putting one foot forward each day, doing the best I can while maintaining what is suppose to be a humour blog.
If I offend your sensibilities by embracing my inner badness and the irony that accompanies that term, I won’t apologize. I am what I am as Popeye says and it works for my children and for me. I’m not trying to be defeatist nor passive aggressive by labeling myself ‘bad’. This blog isn’t about me being trendy or joining in to be one of the cool kids, it is simply about being me. In all my redneckkin’ bad glory.
It doesn’t matter one hair on a cat’s ass what other people label my parenting or my reflection of it on my blog. Call it good, call it bad, call it redneck-tastic, but it’s all semantics no matter which side you flip this pancake. In the end the only thing that matters is my son is not rattling the bars of a prison cell with a tin can and my daughter isn’t spending her free time trying to self-medicate with sex in the back seat of some doofus’s car.
So, through my blog, if I encourage more parents to imitate my special brand of BAD PARENTING or feel less isolated because of their own parenting techniques, then I say HELL YA.
Cuz if my two children who are happy and well adjusted after the hell they went through when their brother died BECAUSE (not DESPITE) my parenting helped them, then more children could benefit. Plus the child welfare authorities gave me papers saying that I make bad parenting look good so I figure I’m not the worst role model out there.
*Jumps off her sanctimommy soap box and goes to pour a cup of coffee laced with Bailey’s Irish Cream. Cuz I drink first thing in the morning too. I iz da BAD mutha.*
tony
i love your blog also and any girl that can quote Popeye the sailor/philosopher is my hero.
Bush Babe (of Granite Glen)
You know what? Seeing it’s soapbox day today at Redneck Central I’m going to share anyway!!
I think with technology (blogs, twitter, Oprah, mags filled with ‘professional advice’, etc etc) we are suddenly hearing all the ‘noise’ that once (in a fairyland, in a time where party line phones still existed) the only commentary we heard was our mothers and neighbours. The only feedback we got on “what kind of mother” we made was from people who loved us or had to live in a close proximity to us. The rest was easy to tune out. What a massive luxury that was!!
Now we have the ability to constantly ‘measure’… whether or not that measure is something real or valuable. Stereotypes abound. You are not a bad mother Tanis. Sorry, but it’s true. You are not a cookie cutout Bree Vandercamp mother (look how her kids turned out!) – you are a product of your background, your personality, your experience.
Sure, if you came to my house, I would have to have the ‘swear beeper’ on but you would be totally welcome. You have the warmest heart and that shines through all the bluster and sexual innuendo. Call it what you want. But ‘bad mother’ ain’t it.
Geez. I might copy and paste this for a post. Sorry. Over and out, from Down Under (no sexual puns Tanis!).
BB
Adrienne
WOW! What else is there to say, other than what has been already said. (I will admit to only scanning some of the comments sorry)
Now that both of my children are grown (but still living in my damn house), I can unequivically state that I was indeed a poor choice for their mother.
Could they have had a better life with someone else? Probably.
Would they have better manners and actually speak to their parent in a non-threatening manner? More than likely.
But did I do the best I could with what I had, fuckin ay right I did.
Would I do things differently now, 20 some odd years later, hell yeah, really who wouldn’t?
But until you or someone else comes up with a god damn de lorean that actually takes me back to high school (which this time I will duct tape my legs closed, thank you very much!), then that is not a frikkin option.
So for now, you make the best decisions you can and you live with the decisions you make.
You my dear are a fabulous mother semantically speaking of course.
Karishma
tanis, i love you. but i have to say, i disagree. i do think this is a fad. and quite a ridiculous one, for a simple reason: every blogger i have seen so far who has declared herself a ‘bad’ mother is one who i would consider an amazing mother. i think the success of parenting is measured by just that – its success. obviously there are exceptions, kids who went the opposite direction despite the best efforts of their parents, but for nearly everyone, success is measured by that exact description of your children: “well-adjusted, emotionally happy and highly functional children.” bad mothering would result in the exact opposite.
i refuse to call ANY parenting that results in happy, well adjusted children ‘bad’ parenting, NO MATTER how different the parenting style is from the traditional standard. it degrades your success, it degrades the integrity of your parenting, and diminishes the love and effort you have poured into your offspring. it may be ‘different’ parenting, it might be ‘unique’ or ‘offbeat,’ or called ‘tanis parenting’ if necessary, but NEVER should it be called ‘bad.’ to call it bad is to embrace rebellion, to give up fighting against the negativity and judgment that is rampant in these hot button issues. i would never call anyone like you or catherine a bad mother, because you AREN’T bad mothers. you are amazing mothers, with unique, maybe sometimes controversial, ways of accomplishing the very same thing – parenting your children in a way that best fits both yours and their needs. in my book, that’s called ‘good’ parenting.
Annie @ PhD in Parenting
@Karishma,
THANK YOU!!!
AG
@Karishma, You guys don’t seem to get the mockery behind the “bad” thing, and that is ok, but just because you don’t understand it and would not use that form of expression and humor yourselves, does not make it less valuable. I am quite sure that you all practic forms of humor that do not suit everyone, either. That is ok. Doesn’t make your form better or worse, just what works for you.
Try this – when you see Tanis or someone else proclaiming themselves “bad”, imagine in your head them rolling their eyes at the term and saying “as if!” Maybe then you will begin to understand the form of expression they are practicing.
karishma
@AG, lol it’s not the ironic self mockery of it that bothers me, i’m a fan of that type of humor, i use it quite a bit myself. if i didn’t, my blog selection would be entirely different, it wouldn’t include some of the funniest bloggers out there who use this type of humor all the time. it’s just that i disagree with THIS PARTICULAR expression and the reasoning behind it – i clarified this in a separate reply to another comment. the “as if” part is pretty clear. but here’s the problem i have with it. to call something ‘bad’, EVEN as a complete 100% joke is to say there is a ‘right.’ and i completely and utterly disagree on principle that there is a ‘right’ when it comes to parenting, therefore i won’t call anything ‘bad’ parenting even as a joke unless it is actually B-A-D. the entire reason i read tanis’ blog is because i love her kind of humor, this kind of humor, but i just can’t stand this particular instance of it.
karishma
actually, let me amend this a little more. it’s difficult to put such a hot button issue into words and have it come out correctly. of all people, i get tanis writing this, because of her specific set of life experiences. the humor and irony of it all works far more for her than for other people, who have never faced the type of judgment she has. her situation is extremely unique.
Kristen
Wait…what was the question?
Dude, I maintain my Mom-crush on you. I wanna be you when I grow up. Well, minus the nipple rings because my girls are already hanging dangerously low and the rings might then resemble a carnival game and that would just open a whole new “bad” mom level.
Heh.
habanerogal
amen just a freekin amen be damned with the conformists our kids will rock the planet
Kathleen
That was the best damn blog I’ve read in a long time (next to mine of course L0L). Honest, raw and beautiful. Stay real and bad! Love it!
HBMomof2
I have been thinking about this good mom vs. bad mom thing and I don’t know if I have anything profound to add except that I am a mom. Some days I am a really good mom, by anyone’s standards and other days (today being one) I am totally crappy, by my own standard. All moms have both of those types of days and if they don’t they are either lying or delusional. On crappy days like today, my temper was short, I wasn’t a completely focused listener and I only played with blocks for a half hour instead of an hour. But my kids were happy and fed and now asleep.
Bottom line: We are all trying to do our best and the unrealistic standard by which we measure ourselves has just got to stop. Tanis, you are not one to measure yourself by that yardstick and neither is Catherine. You tell us the good, bad, and the ugly and we love you (both) for it. Sometimes your life seems unbelievable to me, because by comparison mine is boring, but there are similarities in the humor and love by which we parent. We suck, we’re great. Depends on the day, but it doesn’t depend on what others think of us.
Keep up the great work and please don’t censor yourself because of how it may be perceived. You are REDNECK-TASTIC!
denise
Tanis –
I have to ditto what @badassdadblog said – Your post was awesome and heartfelt.
I too have no idea where the giant shit-can of worms debate of good/bad mommying came from, but now I’m really confused (a very common situation for me).
LOVE YOUR SHOW BABE – NEVER CHANGE!
kellie
you, and your parenting style, rock. i find it so hard to wrap my head around how someone could think it’s a marketing ploy, but i guess there will always be the haters.
lisa
This is why socialism and the intrusion of government into our lives sucks. I can see The US going more and more in the direction of Canada on this and it is bad. When a fricking govt agency (or agencies) can come into your home without just cause, and threaten to take away children, judge you (who is doing the judging??!!), and throw you in jail we are headed towards a dystopian future- ever read The Handmaids Tale or Brave New World? Long live DEMOCRACY and FREEDOM. BTW, Obama is leading America the WRONG way. I know you Canadians love Obama and I will get slammed for that comment, but the truth hurts.
Annie @ PhD in Parenting
@lisa,
For real? I’ve heard many more cases of kids being taken away from good parents in the United States under a President Bush regime than I have ever heard in Canada. Give me a break…
lisa
Hi Annie,
Really? Can you give me an example of kids being taken away “under a President Bush regime”? I would be interested to see that information. You said you heard of this happening so I am just interested where did you hear/see this?
Annie @ PhD in Parenting
@lisa,
Here is one: http://www.dallasobserver.com/2003-04-17/news/1-hour-arrest/1
I don’t have time to look for others now, but if you really want to see them let me know and I’ll dig some up on the weekend. The ones I am aware of are mostly kids taken away because the mother was doing something horribly inappropriate like breastfeeding a toddler (note the dripping sarcasm…I think nursing a toddler is normal and I nursed both of mine).
lisa
I think it is interesting that a comment critical of Obama incited a, “Well Bush did (insert your gripe here)” Obama is the President now, and it is time to stop using GW as a scapegoat-let’s look forward, let Bush go, let your hatred go. Honestly, I think your link (while interesting) is irrelevant to the argument, as the Federal Govt had no jurisdiction in that case. Therefore, it had nothing to do with Bush, of course he didn’t even know about it. The blame there lies with the state and local govts. However, I agree with you and I myself am a happily breastfeeding mom. Also, “give me a break” at the end of your comment mamkes you seem rude, but hey, if that’s the way you roll-more power to you! Tolerance is the ability and willingness to be able to accept and process opposing viewpoints. And, no, I don’t need a break from you! Hope you have a great day!
Annie @ PhD in Parenting
@lisa,
I didn’t need to use Bush’s name, so pretend I didn’t if that makes you feel better. I was trying to point out that you can’t blame socialism for poor decisions by social services.
Perhaps I was rude, but your comment was WAY over the top.
Mom101
@lisa, This is a very personal, heartfelt post about some very painful things that Tania has personally gone through in her life.
Out of respect for her, perhaps this isn’t the appropriate soapbox for your political rants.
Cameramom
I also march in my own parade ( as opposed to s different drummer, I just started my own parade).. My brothers girlfriend used to crack up everytime she came over at things I would say ( to my son going into autistic meltdown mode:Stop Freaking Out!!)or things we would do that not everyone would do. Even my ex-husband has to say that while I may use unconventional methods, my kids are healthy normal and happy. You go girl!!
Leslie
Standing and cheering wildly~~~ Fantastic. Very well written. I truly applaud you for writing this. And what’s all this? I see people are wanting to debate you in your comment section? Oh what a headache. Geez.
WM
Wow…I’m commenting before reading all the comments just because I’d like to say what’s on my mind rather than addressing other comments.
Seriously I wasn’t even aware of this “trend” of bad mom’ing for attention and publicity.
I write from the heart. I write what I want. If it doesn’t always shed me in the most positive light then so be it. I’m not perfect. But I’m honest and real…and do it because I want to and because it makes me feel good (most of the time)not because of what I potentially stand to gain.
Thanks for writing this. I seriously could do a post of my own about this issue.
WM
Coming back to address the bad mom’ing issue more specifically. All that matters is how you feel, how your children feel- essentially how your family feels.
We all do the best we can and none of us, provided we are truly trying to do the best we can should be labeled bad.
Who decides what’s a bad mom anyway ? I’d like to think we’re all imperfect. We’re good moms that make occasional mistakes.
Cheers to you, Tanis!
Karen
I’m sure we were all great parents BEFORE we became parents. As outsiders to parenting, we all think we know how we’re going to run the ship when we’re at the helm. Thing is, once those precious children arrive, preconceived notions fall by the wayside because hey – parenting is NOT easy!
Doing whatever works, learning as you go, and doing the best you can ultimately wins out for parents because kids are all different, have different needs. It’s just too bad that outsiders to our individual experiences still feel the need to preach what constitutes a good parent and acceptable parenting practices or ‘styles’.
No matter what you call it – good or bad or otherwise, what matters is that we as grown ups should be allowed to raise our children without being judged on technique. And more importantly, if children are happy, healthy and decent human beings, then their parents should be commended for that success and not condoned for using methods that are a little left of what society feels is right.
Emma
Holy christ, totally overwhelmed by the comments here. Just wanted to say that this was a great post, but mainly that what I have learned about you in the relatively short time I’ve been reading (about a year?) is that you have been through some seriously awful shit that no one should have to deal with – and the way you’ve dealt with it is truly inspirational. So your parenting, no matter how it’s labeled or who it’s labeled by, is pretty fucking good in my books. I hope I get to say hi to you at BlogHer.
Dina
People that judge are ignorant. Yes, that is me Judging judgmental people, but ya know what I mean. I think as long as your children grow up in a healthy way, and no harm has come to them by your hand then there is NO way you could be considered a bad mom.
I don’t parent with the trend. I refuse to be mainstream. But my children thrive. They are happy, well adjusted, and intelligent, that are able to act (At times) selflessly.
You continue doing what your doing. You continue to love your babies, and all those that feel the need to intrude and pass a judgment on your parenting style can look the other way, and zip it.
Oh and If I weren’t pregnant right now, I would so take some Bailey’s in my coffee too.
Jen
Do we really have to label ourselves? Bad parents. Good parents. Parents who over-parent. Can’t we all, as parents, support other parents and understand that, in most cases, we all are doing what we think is in the best interest of our children? Sure, there are trends. There is pressure. But there also are many many parents who don’t fit in to the trends. Who never have. Or who aren’t trying to keep up.
Wait. Didn’t you just say all that?
Zoe
HELL YEAH!
Perfection is overrated. Imperfections are what make us, and our children, unique.
I’m not saying you’re not perfect – you’re kick ass, redneck awesome at it’s finest!