Dear Asshole in the Hardware store parking lot,

I’d like to thank you so much for the tremendous gift of joy you gave me as I unknowingly shopped for duct tape and batteries.

Imagine how fucking thrilled I was to walk to my car parked in the middle of the parking lot, with bags in both hands, to discover you had lovingly smashed in my passenger side windows.

If that wasn’t thoughtful enough, you thoughtfully removed my passenger side mirror.

I really didn’t need that mirror any ways. I mean, it’s there for show, right?

I would also like to thank you for carefully decorating my entire right side of my brand new SUV by bashing in the doors with a pipe or a bat or, knowing you, your ridiculously over-sized penis and leaving beautiful dent marks and scratches all along side the vehicle.

Some people take out their aggression by simply keying a vehicle. Not you, you went above and beyond as you heartily whacked away at my SUV.

I was overjoyed to find shattered glass all over the inside of my vehicle’s interior but when I discovered that you beat my rear passenger door so hard that I can no longer open it, well, tears of gratitude welled up in my eyes.

I mean, I really hate having that door being slammed shut by my kids all the time. You took care of that for me, and now it will remain silently closed until my husband insists on having it repaired.

There are no words to express the glee I felt upon discovering that you not only stole the fifty dollars I had tucked away in the glove box for emergency gas money but also removed my drivers license and vehicle registration. I never really liked the picture on my license any way and now I can get a new one. And my heart swells with pride knowing you likely donated that fifty dollars to the local homeless shelter to provide food for the needy.

The icing on the cake, the part that really makes me smile, is how you thoughtfully removed my son’s iPod from the back seat. It really bothers me when he sits quietly listening to all that noise kids call music these days and now, thanks to you, my son will have to listen to me yodel to Meat Loaf and Dolly Parton and compliment me on the quality of my singing voice.

I really appreciate your forward thinking and helping bring us closer together as a family.

I’m just a little disappointed that you left my little boy’s wheelchair untouched in the back of the truck. I mean, I was really hoping to spend more time carrying him awkwardly in my arms, but I suppose I will just keep stuffing him into the five thousand dollar wheelchair. I suppose I didn’t need the upper body work out anyway, packing him around. You really are too gracious for words.

And dear asshole, don’t worry about what my husband had to say about your thoughtfulness.

He has a bit of a potty mouth and isn’t as gracious as I am. I’m sure he didn’t mean it when he wished your wanker to fall off and for boils to appear on your testicles.

Signed,

The proud owner of a newly vandalized vehicle,

The Redneck Mommy

I can’t wait to put a sign like this one in my back window. Seriously. It’s a dream come true.