My children, as children often do, are growing up. Fast and (if you listen to all the arguing as they do the dishes) furiously.
More specifically, my daughter is hurling herself into adulthood as fast as her little pubescent body will allow her. She tugs on the ropes of independence far too frequently for my comfort and takes great pride in telling everyone that in a matter of months she will be an official teenager.
This may be why I’m sprouting more fine lines on my face every time I look in the damn mirror.
The other day I decided to have a mother-daughter day with just the two of us, so we abandoned the boys and headed off into the big city to spend Boo’s money as we made our way from one end of an obscenely oversized capitalist’s playground mall to the other.
As we were walking through the mall, my daughter noticed a pair of thirty year old men who were ogling my boobs as they sipped their over-priced lattes.
“Mom, do men hit on you?” She asked curiously.
My mouth went dry and I started cursing in my head as I calmly replied, “It’s been known to happen a time or two, Fric.”
“Why?” She asked, in a rather incredulous voice which shattered any remaining shred of womanly pride I was trying to hold on to.
“Because I have boobs. Men like boobs. They’ll hit on any one with boobs.”
She walked beside me silently, digesting this tidbit as I tried to distract her by pointing out all the shiny neon signs surrounding us.
“How old were you when boys started hitting on you?”
I could see this wasn’t a topic I could easily avoid, so I looked at her, thought for a bit and answered honestly.
“I don’t really remember. I wasn’t all that popular in high school so it must have started once I graduated. Coincidentally, it was right about then I grew boobs. Boobs are the key.”
“I’m growing boobs.” She stated matter of factly. Like her father and I hadn’t noticed or something.
“I can see that.”
“So boys will start to hit on me soon.”
“I hope not. I haven’t sighted in my gun in a while,” I winked at her.
“Moooom! That’s not funny.” Oh honey. I wasn’t joking, I thought to myself.
She refrained from asking any more questions on this topic and I thought we were done. But as we were sitting in a crowded restaurant, she sighed, “I just don’t get it.”
“Get what?” I asked as I sipped on my water and scanned the menu, not really paying attention.
“This whole hitting on thing. Do men only hit on women if they have big boobs?” She pondered as she looked at all the breasts around us.
“Well no, not all men. Most hit on a woman they find attractive or interesting.” This conversation was rapidly beginning to feel similar to digging a hole and burying oneself in it. “Maybe you should ask your father,” I tried to deflect.
Cuz I’m all about passing over the hard jobs to the other parent in this horse race of child rearing.
“Nah. He’d just tell me to ask you anyways.” Ya, cuz he’s smart like that. Dammit.
Just then our lunches arrived and I happily dug into my food, thrilled for this particular conversation to come to an end. Next she’d be asking me if I ever let a boy cop a feel in the back seat of a car and what kind of birth control I’d recommend for teenaged lust.
Luckily for me, Fric didn’t seem to keen on picking up the conversation and I did a happy jig in my head as we paid the bill and left the restaurant.
“Just one more question Mom and then I’ll drop it,” she ventured.
Sighing loudly as though this was the biggest imposition of my life, I looked at her and said, “Fine, what now.”
“Well, if men don’t just hit on women because of their boobs, but because they find a woman attractive or interesting…”
“Yes?”
“Why do men bother hitting on YOU?”
Oof.
There’s laws about beating your children, right? Dammit.
Friday, 17 July, 2009 at 9:10
I can’t believe your daughter actually talks to you. All I get is eye-rolling.
Friday, 17 July, 2009 at 9:17
Don’t worry, revenge will come when she has a daughter of her own.
Friday, 17 July, 2009 at 9:19
Even if she can’t believe they’d find you attractive, she DOES know the meaning of the word “interesting”, right?
Give her an eye roll from me.
Friday, 17 July, 2009 at 9:19
My 10yo daughter has started asking baby questions. We haven’t quite progressed to where you are — though she is fascinated with my boobs (and it’s not a breastfeeding/comfort thing either as I didn’t).
“Mom, will my boobs get as big as yours?” Probably a lot sooner than mine did unfortunately.
Oh, Daddy’s got the shot gun ready to start cleaning at the first site of a boy. And I’m going to get my Conceal Carry license — that boy won’t know what hit him
Friday, 17 July, 2009 at 12:19
#1
You should have run with this one… like only YOU could… you missed a real shot on this one!
#2
I read your blog real fast and thought you said BOOTS…. and I pictured you in cowboy boots and the men leering at you, steaming up their glasses with the coffee up to their mouths… and I had to re-read it… cauze down the line it wasn’t making sense… BOOTS? ? ?
I have come to understand B-O-O-B-S…
I’ve always said there are THREE screaming voices we hear when we try to understand something or make a decision… #1 our BRAIN (we can always rationalize ANYthing if we want it enough) #2 our HEART (we feel and if we want it enough we can convince our BRAIN its good for us) AND lastly #3 our CROTCH…
CROTCH always wins…
OH our BRAIN knows it’s not right, our HEART knows we are gonna get in trouble or get hurt… but our CROTCH… has no conscience!
CROTCH always wins ! ! !!
Friday, 17 July, 2009 at 14:41
Ha. She is *so* your child. Which should equally please and scare you.
Friday, 17 July, 2009 at 15:01
Tanis,
I’ve been enjoying your blog for quite a while now. FYI – its even relevent to a kidless redneck from Florida. Bring on the funny!
Stasha
http://www.thedoggedpursuit.wordpress.com
Friday, 17 July, 2009 at 16:50
I think those laws have some exceptions. Love the new header!
Friday, 17 July, 2009 at 19:17
Don’t you love the way children flatter and admire their parents? I have a niece who is about to be 13 and she is scaring me to death with her astute observations and overt interest in boys. I think she comes up with the questions she asks me just to enjoy watching me go gray right in front of her eyes. Even my fiancee’s 10 year old sister was all flirty and seductive AT CHURCH while talking to a (thankfully) oblivious 12 year old boy walking by. She’s all, “Hiiiiiii Blaaake” and batting her eyelashes. I just wanted to say “DON’T do that, you are not old enough to do that!” You have my prayers.
~Susan
Saturday, 18 July, 2009 at 5:54
My step-daughter thinks I was the biggest nerd, goody-too-shoes at school. She can’t fathom that I was pretty and popular. It’s quite amusing.
Saturday, 18 July, 2009 at 6:56
Great, isn’t it? *sigh*
And btw, your new design looks fantastic!
Saturday, 18 July, 2009 at 10:07
Glad you’re doing ti before me. That way, I can see how this approach works out for you.
: )
Saturday, 18 July, 2009 at 15:00
My kids will be shocked when someone tells me, hey you looked good for having had five kids, and then they will laugh and just point at me and giggle, “Mommy isn’t pretty at all and her senos (boobs in italian) are way too small!”
Keeps me in check ….
Cheers,
Anita
Saturday, 18 July, 2009 at 16:16
I’m gonna duct tape both of my daughters boobs at a very young age. They’ll think it’s normal and continue to do it through high school. Either that or I’ll send them to lesbian camp so they can learn that the penis and anything attached to it is evil. Wait? Is there such a thing as lesbian camp? Holy shit. I could make a fortune. Shhhh. Good times…
Saturday, 18 July, 2009 at 18:49
Ugh. I don’t look forward to that…the talking (or the talk back). I think I’ll revel in the potty training for now…
Saturday, 18 July, 2009 at 22:23
I am living proof that men (and women) will hit on you even if you don’t have boobs. But, yes, not until after high school.
Saturday, 18 July, 2009 at 23:31
LOL! Hey, I think you should be happy she’s going to you for advice and not her friends because you know where that leads…well, I don’t but I’m sure you do. All I know is that when my daughter starts having boys (or girls for that matter) come over to pick her up for a date, it’ll be gun-cleaning night. Chit-chit…rack it!
Sunday, 19 July, 2009 at 8:27
I have boys. Boys are way different with Mom being hit on or checked out. They notice when it happens. They get offended when it happens. They turn 15 and are much like their loud mouthed mother. Then they yell at the ogglers “DUUUUDE! Thats MY MOM! You PEEEEERVERT!” right in the middle of the grocery store.
I mentioned to him later, some people, on occation, like his DAD for one, like the way I look and that is OK. He responded with “I know. It’s OK that Dad looks but that is it. Anyone else does and I’LL tell ‘em off!”…..BOYS
Sunday, 19 July, 2009 at 9:51
She’s so sweet :}
Sunday, 19 July, 2009 at 11:42
First of all…it’s so awesome that she feels comfortable enough to approach you with questions like that.
Secondly, her last remark? Grounds for revenge.
Sunday, 19 July, 2009 at 14:53
Just tell her it’s because you keep your anus well bleached.
Sunday, 19 July, 2009 at 17:40
My 7 year old, the weeone, asked me last week when she gets to wear a bra. My response? “When you have boobs.” They grow up way too damn fast!
Hey – and way to pass the buck – I, too, think that’s the key to successful parenting!
Monday, 20 July, 2009 at 4:51
Dude.
The neighbor kid got her first period last week, and took to her bed… my youngest was all in a state, and had to whisper about it with Mrs Gunfighter.
The Mrs is clearly going to have to deal with all of this (thank God!) for now.
Monday, 20 July, 2009 at 8:03
LOL clever girl.
Too clever for her own good…
Monday, 20 July, 2009 at 10:13
High five to you and your daughter. I didn’t get ‘it’ until I was in my late 30′s. I couldn’t figure out why or didn’t notice men looked at me until just a few years ago. I wasted a lot of time thinking I was too unattractive. You gave your daughter knowledge and power.
Monday, 20 July, 2009 at 17:47
I love your new blog! It looks great. I so hate those conversations with my girls. We got into an in depth discussion a few weeks ago and my pre teen had the nerve to ask me how many sexual partners I have had? “Sexual partners”???? What on earth, seriously? See, when you put things in perspective like that, talking about men and boobs is eeeaaaassssyyyyyy!
Monday, 20 July, 2009 at 18:13
And here I thought this was going to get all mushy and self esteemy. LOL
Monday, 20 July, 2009 at 22:04
i never had the boobs but the lips? always a point of hitting on. now, 4 yr old little boys are hitting my little girl because of her big lips. i told her to kick them in the nads to leave her alone.
Tuesday, 21 July, 2009 at 3:25
And this just goes to support the fact that women are the more powerful sex.
Tuesday, 21 July, 2009 at 6:56
I like the facelift on the site – and I like your daughter for daring to approach you.
Tuesday, 21 July, 2009 at 7:39
I just wanted to say I love your page, and wow, kids can always getchya…I have an 9yr old boy and 2yr old girl, and they just get more and more curious…boy am i scared..lol.
Tuesday, 21 July, 2009 at 9:51
Hit you right in the gut, huh? Just what you wanted out of your mother-daughter day! Can’t wait to see how you spend the next one. Too funny.
Wednesday, 22 July, 2009 at 5:06
“Oof” indeed.
Looking forward to meeting you at BlogHer . . . in the GREEN ROOM!
Wednesday, 22 July, 2009 at 15:00
Don’t you wish you had come up with a different answer. lol.
Wednesday, 22 July, 2009 at 17:01
Proper response to the last statement: “Oh, are you trying to tell me you DON’T want a ride home??” ;^)
Wednesday, 22 July, 2009 at 18:11
Holy fuck. That’s why I’m so glad to have a son. Faack.
Thursday, 23 July, 2009 at 14:21
my 13 year old wears the same bra size as I do. feel my pain.
Thursday, 23 July, 2009 at 17:22
LMAO!!! My 13 year old daughter has been asking the same questions, but it’s a bit different with her, as she is TALL, and in a 36D. She has recently noticed the difference in the men who they stare at her, or stare at me (didn’t get it from her dad’s side) or rather, our chests. damnit.
Thursday, 23 July, 2009 at 22:43
Uh huh. I have boobs and men don’t hit on me. My boys don’t think I’m FEMALE. I’m just the friggin food provider/remote controller/referee.
I’m totally leaving this up to the Redneck. He deserves to have to handle it.
Oh, and I’m SO glad you went back to the old theme. It’s just so…you.
Friday, 24 July, 2009 at 11:37
SCREAM! I have a soon to be 10-year old and she is already glossing her lips up and wearing her little bra. I am terrified of what else she will soon be doing. As a matter of fact, I did notice my razor lying next to her Strawberry Shortcake soap. Oh Lawd….
Friday, 24 July, 2009 at 15:55
She is SO like you! OMG! It’s crazy!
Friday, 24 July, 2009 at 16:34
Tanis!!!!!!!!!!! Where are you?! I told my almost 15 year old daughter that you are the one person I would love to meet. She has spent several days reading yor blog,& she thanked me:)) Hope your having fun.
Deb
debyoung61@aol.com
Geneva, Florida
Friday, 24 July, 2009 at 20:05
Too Funny!!
Monday, 27 July, 2009 at 4:28
Even if she can’t believe they’d find you attractive, she DOES know the meaning of the word “interestingâ€, right?
Give her an eye roll from me.
Monday, 27 July, 2009 at 9:38
Aren’t they just little self esteem boosters?!
Monday, 27 July, 2009 at 11:31
“Because I have boobs. Men like boobs. They’ll hit on any one with boobs.â€
That’s so demeaning! We like other body parts, too.
Monday, 27 July, 2009 at 11:57
Where are you??? Hope all is well at home.
I don’t have a daughter that young anymore. Mine is just turning thirty. Of course when she asked me about all the signs of the pilsbury doughboy coming to vist, you know where I sent her to get all the facts! LMAO!!! She and her friends read you all the time now.
Monday, 27 July, 2009 at 17:45
Um, hello? They hit on you because you’re a blogger. Everyone knows how sexy “normal” folks believe bloggers to be, right? Why else would a bachelor party try to crash the Cheeseburger Party at BlogHer?
Monday, 27 July, 2009 at 23:01
When the dark haired beauty becomes a teenager I intend to spend my days castrating the boys she brings home. I am so not ready for my daughter to reach that point.
Tuesday, 28 July, 2009 at 17:38
So when I adopt you and you become Mocha Momma’s sister, I won’t have to have these kinds of mother/daughter talks with you?!? When I had preteen and teenage daughters I had NO idea how to answer these kinds of questions, and now that I’m so smart and have all the answers, no one asks me.