I started this blog to remember how to laugh. To find the joy in my life after the death of my youngest son. For the most part, it worked. I’ve laughed a lot. I’ve met new friends and the boundaries of my life have opened up beyond anything I could ever imagined.
But in focusing on all the positive, funny little things over the last four years, I never fully worked through the heart ache of losing my Shale. I just kept pushing that pain away, telling myself time will take care of the wound. When grief would rear it’s ugly head I’d write a post and then close my computer and myself from actually working through it.
These last few months all that time delayed grief has been wresting on my shoulders like an angry Silver Backed Gorilla, thumping the back of my head and yanking on my hair as though bananas would magically sprout of my ears. It’s been hard to forget.
Bringing home Jumby has been a dream come true and a joy but also a constant reminder of who isn’t here, the invisible brother who lives only in the shadows of our hearts and behind the glass of a dusty picture frame.
It’s been tough. I more often than not find myself struggling with guilt because I can no longer remember Bug’s scent or the sounds of his laughter and I worry he will wonder if I love him less because I have a new son. When I’m not plagued with guilty thoughts over Bug then I’m freaking out wondering if I’m loving Jumby and his siblings enough or if I’m being unfair to them when thoughts of Shale creep in and take the shine off a sunny moment.
Because I’m a little more self aware now than I was immediately after Shalebug’s passing, I recognize I’m struggling. I’ve spent time with a therapist, I’ve dutifully swallowed the little pills guaranteed to balance out my brain and put a smile on my face and I’ve wrestled with my emotions the same way my eldest son wrestles with the boys on the playground.
So I have been taking time off from my writing to get my head on straight. And I’ve also been laying on my couch moaning to the baby Jeebus and every one who will listen about the evils of germ infested children who keep passing one nasty virus to me after another. I can barely see the floor around my couch as it’s scattered with used tissues and my damn dog perches herself on my shoulder so her her tongue can dart out like a frog’s after a fly to lick any tasty morsels of snot before I can even manage to reach for the tissue. It’s been (sarcasm) fun. (/sarcasm)
I just wanted to explain my lack of regular posting here. I feel tremendously shitty about neglecting my blog but at this point it’s all I can do to keep my head above water and breathe. Literally and figuratively.
I promise I’m doing my best to find my funny bone again.
And decongest and stay germ free for a period longer than a nanosecond.
You’re patience is appreciated and to my long time readers, I thank you. To my new readers, um, I am emotionally tortured and one day I’ll write great odes about finding my sanity but maybe in the meantime you should check out the Bloggess. Heh. And to those who abandoned me? Here, I’ve a used tissue I’d like you to have.
Thanks for your patience.
Laura
Wow… 140 comments… girl, you have rocked the blog world.
I’m not commenting to TELL you something you don’t already know. Your following here has said much of what I have thought. Anything thing you do to get thru grief is good because it is good for YOU and only YOU(as much as it hurts). But know this, your Shalebug is with my Geoffrey & Frac snowmobiling up in those clouds. Marjoram is getting me through the 11 year hurdles I have been avoiding, like throwing crap out and burning stuff (pyro!) Except he will never know the 501′s I’m wearing right now were Geoffs … just couldn’t throw ‘em away. If you ever see (weep) on my twitter, you’ll know I’m thinking of HIM; it never goes away, and there is NOTHING wrong with that… good memories! always… L2
PS… you are a very strong woman, you know that too! Women were built for guilt, and we learn to lessen the load with time, on our own terms, when the time comes. Eventually we discover guilt is an illusion. Keep smiling! ♥
Billie
Tanis,
I wanted to come on and let you know that I support all that you do. I know how it feels. well, I do not know how you feel exactly, but that road has been traveled down by so many. This month will be the anniversy of my Mom’s death. It will be 27 years on 30th. I wish I could tell you that it gets easier. But in all actually it does not. You will always feel that void. You will always have those thoughts of guilt. There are days that it hurts so much that I just cry. Those days have become few and far between. BUT usually this time of the year is hard for me. We lost her in October and her birthday is in Novemeber. So I kind of get where you are coming from.
One thing I want to share with you, and others may not agree, but this is how I feel. I do not agree with those people out there that tell me “You just need to get over and move on.” For years and years I worked under that premis. But I was always so miserable. Then I finally figured out, there is no getting over it. There is finding a way of living with it, but no getting over it. Really, how can you get over loosing someone who was so important in your life. I believe that when people try to do that, it just makes it worst. So cry when you feel like it. And at time when you remember stuff that he did that was funny, laugh, there is no harm in that. But always carry him with you. It will make you a better mother. Also another thing, is do not cut yourself off from your husband and kids. They will take a que from you on how to grieve. Do it as a familie. This will make you stronger. As for the new babie, I do not think he is upset over that. He knows you have alot of love to give, and that you need the new babie. And that will not take away from your love for him.
You and your family is in my prayers.