I started this blog to remember how to laugh. To find the joy in my life after the death of my youngest son. For the most part, it worked. I’ve laughed a lot. I’ve met new friends and the boundaries of my life have opened up beyond anything I could ever imagined.
But in focusing on all the positive, funny little things over the last four years, I never fully worked through the heart ache of losing my Shale. I just kept pushing that pain away, telling myself time will take care of the wound. When grief would rear it’s ugly head I’d write a post and then close my computer and myself from actually working through it.
These last few months all that time delayed grief has been wresting on my shoulders like an angry Silver Backed Gorilla, thumping the back of my head and yanking on my hair as though bananas would magically sprout of my ears. It’s been hard to forget.
Bringing home Jumby has been a dream come true and a joy but also a constant reminder of who isn’t here, the invisible brother who lives only in the shadows of our hearts and behind the glass of a dusty picture frame.
It’s been tough. I more often than not find myself struggling with guilt because I can no longer remember Bug’s scent or the sounds of his laughter and I worry he will wonder if I love him less because I have a new son. When I’m not plagued with guilty thoughts over Bug then I’m freaking out wondering if I’m loving Jumby and his siblings enough or if I’m being unfair to them when thoughts of Shale creep in and take the shine off a sunny moment.
Because I’m a little more self aware now than I was immediately after Shalebug’s passing, I recognize I’m struggling. I’ve spent time with a therapist, I’ve dutifully swallowed the little pills guaranteed to balance out my brain and put a smile on my face and I’ve wrestled with my emotions the same way my eldest son wrestles with the boys on the playground.
So I have been taking time off from my writing to get my head on straight. And I’ve also been laying on my couch moaning to the baby Jeebus and every one who will listen about the evils of germ infested children who keep passing one nasty virus to me after another. I can barely see the floor around my couch as it’s scattered with used tissues and my damn dog perches herself on my shoulder so her her tongue can dart out like a frog’s after a fly to lick any tasty morsels of snot before I can even manage to reach for the tissue. It’s been (sarcasm) fun. (/sarcasm)
I just wanted to explain my lack of regular posting here. I feel tremendously shitty about neglecting my blog but at this point it’s all I can do to keep my head above water and breathe. Literally and figuratively.
I promise I’m doing my best to find my funny bone again.
And decongest and stay germ free for a period longer than a nanosecond.
You’re patience is appreciated and to my long time readers, I thank you. To my new readers, um, I am emotionally tortured and one day I’ll write great odes about finding my sanity but maybe in the meantime you should check out the Bloggess. Heh. And to those who abandoned me? Here, I’ve a used tissue I’d like you to have.
Thanks for your patience.
Thursday, 1 October, 2009 at 7:29
As tough as it is, I think you’re getting through it admirably.
Thursday, 1 October, 2009 at 7:37
Tanis,
As a mom you could never fail your children….especially Bug. He is standing up straight on his own two legs looking down on you and wondering what he did to deserve such a wonderful, loving mother.
He is happy where he is and only wants you to be happy as well
Guilt is a weight that is hard to lose…..but your son doesn’t want you to carry it anymore…..
Thursday, 1 October, 2009 at 8:36
I never comment but felt awful that you felt you had to entertain in the midst of handling grief. Grief doesnt schedule itself, it doesnt wait till you are ready. So, dont feel any weight or pressure from us….we are friends…thats for good or bad times. My heart aches for you.
D
Thursday, 1 October, 2009 at 8:50
Abandon this blog?! Never.
You take all the time you need and in the meantime I’ll just keep checking back in. Your Shalebug- there’s no way he could think you’re love for Jumby replaces your love for him. We all know better than that. It you’re love from Shalebug that opened your heart to Jumby. I’d like to think that little guy up in heaven thinks you’re a kick ass mom just like all of us on the net do. HUgs to you Tanis.
Thursday, 1 October, 2009 at 9:18
I hope you realize that we don’t read this blog just to read something funny. I know I continue to read b/c I’m interested in how you’re doing and what you have to say, happy, sad, or irrelevant. Hopefully soon you will be able to come back here and use this blog for what you intended it to be, a release and a way to work through things. Until then, we’ll be waiting. Good luck.
Thursday, 1 October, 2009 at 9:48
Just keep breathing, I’ll keep waiting
Thursday, 1 October, 2009 at 11:00
((Tanis)) I hope that your offspring stop sharing their germies with you and that you will take all the time you need to feel better (emotionally and physically)
xoxo
Thursday, 1 October, 2009 at 11:47
I will read no matter what.
Hugs to you.
Thursday, 1 October, 2009 at 13:30
*hugs* Tanis. We’ll still be here when you’re ready.
Thursday, 1 October, 2009 at 15:24
Love.
Thursday, 1 October, 2009 at 17:27
Might I suggest Theraflu? I posted about a crush on a public figure I would NEVER had written about if I hadn’t been under the influence of drugs. He spotted the post…and sent a thousand of his friends to my blog.
Yep. Those are some good blogging drugs.
(Take care of yourself. Love you.)
Thursday, 1 October, 2009 at 20:26
T, I hate to break it to you, but even though you’re really damn funny, I’ve got a bunch of other reasons why I love you.
Thursday, 1 October, 2009 at 23:39
i’m relatively new here…i’ll wait. you are worth waiting for.
Friday, 2 October, 2009 at 0:01
You’re beautiful, you’re funny, AND you’re real. Real enough to tell people when you’re hurting. That’s my favorite quality about you. The nipple rings and tattoos come in second.
I don’t often comment because really? Does one more comment after the number 100 matter? But here ya go. I think you’re awesome, snot nose and all.
Friday, 2 October, 2009 at 8:44
It’s okay that you can’t find your funny. I enjoy reading your blog because you are a genuine person, and I can tell just from reading your blog over the years that you have a beautiful and compassionate heart.
Friday, 2 October, 2009 at 10:21
Tanis,
I don’t think Shale would wonder if you loved him any less … I think his little heart would swell to know that you loved him enough to open your home and your heart to another little boy who needed the love that only you could provide. I think he would be proud to say “THAT’S MY MOM!” So don’t feel guilty, you are an amazing woman and I think we could all stand to learn a thing or two from you.
If you ever need a shoulder lady I am not far from you, my email is posted. I’m a good listener. If you want I can even tell you about my shitshow of a world these days…then you can laugh and feel better… if only for a moment!
Take care and hold your head high.
Shale is proud… and he wouldn’t want you to feel guilty… not for one second and I don’t think he would ever doubt your love for him.
Friday, 2 October, 2009 at 12:57
I hate when people feel guilty for neglecting their blog. (Heh, that’s me right now!) Your readers love you and your writing, and we’re not going anywhere. Write when you want to write, and we’ll be ready.
As for Shale.. no doubt a sweet sweet boy, who I feel I have no right to even talk about.. but I can’t help but imagine he’s happy that you still love. How many people really open up their heart to love again after losing a child? You are much braver and stronger than you realize.
I hope you get well soon!
Friday, 2 October, 2009 at 14:11
Would never abandon you. Take care of yourself. We’ll be here when you’re ready.
Friday, 2 October, 2009 at 14:18
Thank you so much for your honesty — I think you’re incredibly brave for sharing this with us. And fear not, most of won’t abandon you. Take all the time you need, but most importantly, take care.
Friday, 2 October, 2009 at 19:23
Whether you’re funny and laughing along with the rest of us, or having a string of days like this one, I am here waiting for you. You are an amazing woman and as hard as everything has been, you just keep on keepin’ on.
We will wait. You do what you need to do.
Friday, 2 October, 2009 at 19:46
I can not imagine what you are going through. We all have tough times. Times when we’re down, flat, confused, a complete wreck. It’s OK. We are here for you. Chin up. You’re amazing.
Friday, 2 October, 2009 at 21:46
Don’t worry, we’ll be here when you get back. When you are ill it’s easy for all the old, unworkedthrough crap in your life to overload you. And you are not letting Bug down. I think, though I didn’t know him, that he would be tickled with Jumby. *smoochies and hugs sprayed down with disinfectant*
Saturday, 3 October, 2009 at 8:59
would i abandon Southern Comfort or Copenhagen? hell no!
and i wouldn’t abandon a fellow redneck.
love ya, get well
Saturday, 3 October, 2009 at 10:13
I’ll still be here, you’re well worth waiting for! & like others said, I’m not just here for the laughs, although those are great. thinking of you & wishing you all the best.
Saturday, 3 October, 2009 at 11:31
You take care of yourself before you worry about us selfish readers, don’t worry…. we’ll keep you bookmarked!!
Saturday, 3 October, 2009 at 13:47
I’m not going anywhere! I’ll be happy to use this time to catch-up on my paying job. You would be stealing from yourself if you didn’t fully grieve. Good things can be found in grief.
Saturday, 3 October, 2009 at 17:56
I am new to your blog, but am touched that you are sharing about your boy.
My mommy-heart aches for you.
No words, no advice.
Just ache.
Saturday, 3 October, 2009 at 21:29
I don’t read your words JUST for the funny, either. Sure, I like to laugh – who doesn’t? But part of what makes laughter so precious is that life is also full of tears.
I wish I had the Magic Cure, but unfortunately all I’ve got is sympathy and a heart full of good wishes for you. I’m pretty sure ALL your children know how much you love them, and how hard you try for them.
Hang in there. You’re doing just fine, even if it doesn’t feel like it right this second.
Saturday, 3 October, 2009 at 21:39
Do what you need to do Tanis.
gentle hugs
Sunday, 4 October, 2009 at 3:53
I am here for you. Always.
When every one else is asleep, I am awake, here on the other side of the world.
Email me. Call me. Whatever. I will be here.
To listen, to cry, to make fun of your weird accent.
Sunday, 4 October, 2009 at 10:42
Hang in there, Tanis. Grief doesn’t go away just because we ask it to. It takes time. As much time as necessary; there’s no limit. You’re doing the best you can and we understand.
Sending hugs your way.
Sunday, 4 October, 2009 at 14:06
Take your time. .. .and don’t feel guilty. . .I know, it’s easier said than done. ..you don’t need any more gorillas sitting on your back, especially now. .. .my prayers are with you. Grief seems to have to be walked through, no short cuts. It sucks. So walk how you need to walk and at whatever speed. Your readers look pretty loyal to me:)
Sunday, 4 October, 2009 at 16:31
Beautifully written. Glad your dealing. Wish you the best!
Sunday, 4 October, 2009 at 18:41
For very different reasons, I kind of know what you mean. Kind of, pain of a different kind having slapped me firmly away from posting before too. I’m wishing you strength and waiting patiently.
Sunday, 4 October, 2009 at 22:23
Take care…
Monday, 5 October, 2009 at 10:24
I’m sending you a messload of t-shirts today. They make excellent snotrags! Get healthy, Tanis!
Monday, 5 October, 2009 at 10:52
Shale was such a wonderful child… and you taught him all he knew… just know he is looking down at you and your struggles and he is laughing (probably has the same sense of humor as you)… He is watching you and he is helping you take care of Bug… He knows your heart better than you know it… He is sitting on GODs lap and they are watching you…
So get up off the couch and take on life again… cauze they are watching you and waiting for you to do something funny again…
Love to you and yours~
Pooba~
Monday, 5 October, 2009 at 13:39
While I don’t know THIS exact feeling, I know the feeling of needing to step away just to remind yourself how to breathe again.
((((hugs))))
Tuesday, 6 October, 2009 at 8:07
We’ll be here, T.
Tuesday, 6 October, 2009 at 11:57
Look how many people follow your blog, and these are just the ones who comment. You are so loved for your wonderful writing. Hang in there, we are all in this life together. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with all of us in blog-land.
Thursday, 8 October, 2009 at 8:18
Wow… 140 comments… girl, you have rocked the blog world.
I’m not commenting to TELL you something you don’t already know. Your following here has said much of what I have thought. Anything thing you do to get thru grief is good because it is good for YOU and only YOU(as much as it hurts). But know this, your Shalebug is with my Geoffrey & Frac snowmobiling up in those clouds. Marjoram is getting me through the 11 year hurdles I have been avoiding, like throwing crap out and burning stuff (pyro!) Except he will never know the 501′s I’m wearing right now were Geoffs … just couldn’t throw ‘em away. If you ever see (weep) on my twitter, you’ll know I’m thinking of HIM; it never goes away, and there is NOTHING wrong with that… good memories! always… L2
PS… you are a very strong woman, you know that too! Women were built for guilt, and we learn to lessen the load with time, on our own terms, when the time comes. Eventually we discover guilt is an illusion. Keep smiling! ♥
Saturday, 10 October, 2009 at 19:36
Tanis,
I wanted to come on and let you know that I support all that you do. I know how it feels. well, I do not know how you feel exactly, but that road has been traveled down by so many. This month will be the anniversy of my Mom’s death. It will be 27 years on 30th. I wish I could tell you that it gets easier. But in all actually it does not. You will always feel that void. You will always have those thoughts of guilt. There are days that it hurts so much that I just cry. Those days have become few and far between. BUT usually this time of the year is hard for me. We lost her in October and her birthday is in Novemeber. So I kind of get where you are coming from.
One thing I want to share with you, and others may not agree, but this is how I feel. I do not agree with those people out there that tell me “You just need to get over and move on.” For years and years I worked under that premis. But I was always so miserable. Then I finally figured out, there is no getting over it. There is finding a way of living with it, but no getting over it. Really, how can you get over loosing someone who was so important in your life. I believe that when people try to do that, it just makes it worst. So cry when you feel like it. And at time when you remember stuff that he did that was funny, laugh, there is no harm in that. But always carry him with you. It will make you a better mother. Also another thing, is do not cut yourself off from your husband and kids. They will take a que from you on how to grieve. Do it as a familie. This will make you stronger. As for the new babie, I do not think he is upset over that. He knows you have alot of love to give, and that you need the new babie. And that will not take away from your love for him.
You and your family is in my prayers.