Last week my entire family was struck by the plague. Which is why this here little blog sat quiet and empty for so long. I was too busy mopping up puke and doling out Tylenol to the feverish masses to try and write.
I’ve been asked if it was the dreaded Swine Flu that struck my family with such a heavy blow, but truth be told, I was too busy shivering and trying to stop the jack hammer trapped inside my head to bundle up my family to take them to the doctor and find out.
In the end, it doesn’t matter which virus it was, we all survived it and my children learned a valuable life lesson.
They now know that if they puke on the floor they are old enough to wipe up their own vomit. While I would step in front of a moving locomotive for my children, my maternal love stops short when faced with a pile of gelatinous congealing barf, especially when hurled by someone else.
I’m a fickle bitch what can I say?
In other news, since this is the post where I talk about unseemly subject matter, my daughter has now taken to harassing me about shaving her legs. Legs which are covered with invisible peach fuzz unlike my own Sasquatch-like monstrosities.
Apparently, she’s the only one in the entire school who doesn’t rub a razor up and down her skin to remove unsightly hair. (I demanded proof that she alone was the only one with prickly legs but she confused proof with a big sigh and rolling of her teenaged eyeballs.)
She claims this makes her a loser. How this impacts her social status I can’t figure out.
Do they line all the girls up in the hallway, make them pull up their pants and then caress each leg to see who has the worst stubble?
Do they have a weekly caressing competition and ribbons are awarded to the smoothest skin?
Are hall passes awarded based on length of leg hair??
Since I am steadfastly denying my child any chance at rising up the social ladder by refusing to buy her her very own five bladed razor complete with moisturizing shaving cream, my daughter has taken to stealing mine.
Which accounts for why every time I try to shave my legs I either rip large chunks of flesh off my legs or my hair just stands up and salutes me as it avoids the dull blade.
I have since given up on trying to shave the savage beasts and I’ve encouraged my daughter to do the same.
She, however, is refusing to see the beauty in leg hair long enough to braid.
If she keeps stealing my razors though, I’m going to go to her gym class wearing my shortest shorts and parade my fuzzy gams for all to see while lecturing to all the girls about why they should embrace what Nature gave them instead of waxing it off.
Then I’m going to braid my armpit hair and put beads on it and make sure to raise my hand a lot.
Mommy never misses her shot.
I’ll explain to her as her friends watch with horrified glee, that it takes balls to be a real woman.
Mine just happen to be big and hairy.
mimi
Ha!
Mad Woman
Geez, it’s coming up to winter. She doesn’t even need to think about that shit til at least May. That’s the beauty of wearing pants all the time!
Mind you, I distinctly remember some Grade 10 assholes picking on all us girls who hadn’t started doing our legs yet. Rumours flew that we were lesbians….which I would embrace now..but at the time I was mortified.
Go hairy mama!
pixielation
“I have since given up on trying to shave the savage beasts”
I misread that, added an extra “r” and got a very unwelcome mental image. Thanks for that.
asit dhal
Hey some girls look cute with hair on skin….
Bee
I remember having this discussion with my own mom 20 years ago. Right down to the “I’m the only one” and a rant on my diminishing popularity… Her solution? An Epilady Ultra purchased from the Sears Catalouge which put me off hair removal for another year after just one try. Damn that thing hurt! Well played Mom, well played.
Diana, The Doggy Mommy
I am so lucky, that at my age I now have only very little hair to shave. There are benefits to getting older! Yeah!
However, I do remember how exciting it was, when I first started to shave my legs, wear make up and all that jazz, even if you had to sneak.
Linda
Oh to go back to that time and choose not to shave. Hell what am I talking about? I don’t wear anything shorter than ankle length anyway so why bother shaving? Braided leg hair is sex-A!!
Mary
if you want her to stop asking? Tell her waxing makes your legs soooooo much smoother and then get her a waxing kit.
That’ll be the end of her caring about leg hair.
Annie
I guess its a different culture we are talking about but just a small advise.
Out of curiosity, Why wouldnt you let her shave her legs? ..
When you deem it to be the right time, Tell her not to start shaving, and go the waxing way.. by the time she hits her mid twenties there will be hardly any…
tiff
As someone who was a razor-stealer herself at the tender age of 11, I can sympathize with your daughter…because everything is SO SERIOUS when you’re that age!
You’re totally scarring her for life, you know? Keep up the good work.
Jenn
I too, was going to suggest waxing… MOTHER OF GOD!!! I waxed ONE strip, on ONE leg, ONE time and will never wax again … that hurts like a MOFO!!!!
Give her wax Mama!!
Becca
ha ha ha!! I remember being 11 and wanting to shave my legs. i too stole my moms razor.
but it gets old so fast! nowadays (only 15 years later) and I shave my legs once a month (twice this month – cause of weddings)
besides it’s winter and I agree with Mad Woman – she doesnt need to worry about it until the spring.
kids always do the opposite of what you want, so I say that you take her to the local beautician, and get her a full leg wax. see how long after that she decides she wants to be hair free…
Happy Hour...Somewhere
If she is noticing the other girls shave, then they are noticing she is not shaving and when you are that age, that is mortifying. My mom refused to let me shave and I would pray that she would look like the photo in the post~! Having said that, friggin’ razors cost an arm and a leg, so make her earn it. She might decide being hairy is cool after all.
Avitable
At least her anus will be properly bleached.
deb
My daughter and I have only now come to an understanding and truce about razors. She finally leaves mine alone. Only too seven or eight years:)
Jamie
Soooo funny!!!
all things BD
Oh crap. My NINE year old is already asking to shave her legs, as hers are actually pretty hairy. Poor thing. What IS an acceptable age for them to start? I haven’t figured it out yet. I just know that I’M not ready for her to be shaving.
Kensi
Not that you asked me, but I would let her maybe when the weather gets warmer. If you can’t trust her to do it with a regular razor, get her an electric one, so she doesn’t cut herself. I have the hairiness of my Italian ancestors, so I developed body hair at a young age. It was HELL to be nine with underarm hair and a tank top!
Anne
@all things BD,
I have a 10 yr old daughter who has dark, very hairy legs. She asked me 2 summers ago. We started with Nair (Lord, what a mess.) and then after a few months I got her a razor. It was easy for me to sympathize. I was made fun of at her age for the same reason (it didn’t help that the Catholic school uniform skirt had to be worn). I can say she is still about the only one who shaves in her age group but it seems all of her peers have blonde peach fuzz.
I will say she is very responsible and I actually did it for her the first time to show her how to navigate the knees, etc. I think every situation is different.
Out-Numbered
This post is all fine and good but I’m a little miffed by the picture. If I’ve seen Teen Wolf once, I’ve seen it 1000 times but never have I garnered such a close look. I think you can actually see Alex P. Keaton’s Nut Sac, dangling from his B-Ball shorts. Nice going Tanks. Way to fuck up one of the last truly innocent film icons of all time. Unless you like wolf scrotes of course…
Out-Numbered
BTW… I know how to spell Tanis but my phone has no clue.
Dual Mom
Eleven seems to be the magical age. My daughter emailed me with her tale of woe and how she was being scarred for life because she was the only one in the class that wasn’t shaving. I told her to send me the therapy bill!