Every year I like to take the time to stop what I’m doing (usually stuffing my face with rumballs and cursing about enduring endless amounts of paper cuts from a marathon gift wrapping session because, sadly there are no magical elves around to do it for me even though I happen to live on the doorstep of the damn North Pole) and sit back and appreciate the magic of the holiday season.

By ‘appreciate the magic of the season’ I mean ‘mock’ my husband.

My husband is a last minute shopper. He’s been known to walk the aisles of Canadian Tire at closing hour on Christmas Eve, scouring for the perfect present to place beneath our tree with my name on it.

He’s been known to confuse a set of steak knives, a cork screw and a lamp for the perfect present. I have been known to get all huffy and indignant while considering hurling said knives at his head.

Hey, not every Christmas moment has to be merry.

This year is proving to be no different than the dozen or so to precede it. Days before the trigger must be pulled and Boo has not a gift to lay under the tree. I figure he must thrive on last minute pressure.  Or have rocks for brains. Either way, he’s cute so I won’t kick him out of my bed for eating crackers.

I like to tease my husband because he is rather sexy when he gets all hot and bothered but after listening to an assortment of friends and family worry about how they haven’t finished their holiday shopping I realized I could perhaps be of service to all the last minute shoppers roaming the malls aimlessly, wandering around looking for the perfect presents to hand out Christmas morning.

So the wheels started churning (which likely accounts for the high pitch squealing my dogs keep howling at) and I put together a useful little list of gifts to grab when pressed for time and cash.

It’s Redneck Mommy’s Last Minute Gift Grab. Because I’m all about the giving. And this way I can mock all those last minute shoppers while feeling useful. It’s a total win-win. Heh.

After careful deliberation and a barrel of wine, I decided to stick with what I know best: Books. Because everyone loves a good book, right?

(Be thankful I didn’t decide to write a list about the other thing I know best: sex toys. Because I considered it. Thanks to the cheap wine my husband plied me with last night.)

For the person who loves the classics but has a sick sense of humour:

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies:  Zombie Mayhem!

Adventures of Huckleberry Finn and Zombie Jim: Mark Twain’s Classic with Crazy Zombie Goodness

What is better than a little classic literature meshed with a little gore? It’s brain candy. Heh.

*Both of these books may or may not already be under our tree because someone in this house is a wee twisted.

For the douchebag in your life:

The Quotable Douchebag: A Treasury of Spectacularly Stupid Remarks

Don’t know a douchebag? Well, pass this puppy onto a person you know has been touched by a douchebag.

For the thinker who likes to laugh:

Monty Python and Philosophy: Nudge Nudge, Think Think

Who doesn’t know someone who likes Monty Python? You can make them laugh and think all at once.

For the person you want to piss off:

If Democrats Had Any Brains, They’d Be Republicans

Nothing says “I really don’t like you” than giving them a taste of Coulter. It’s the quickest way to be passive aggressive under the guise of gift giving I can think of.

For the cartoon loving poet in your life:

Poetry Comics: An Animated Anthology

This book also doubles as a coffee table book to make you look smart for all those uninvited guests dropping in over the holiday season. Or a good way to expose your kids to the wonderful world of poetry. Either way, win!

For the creative cook (or Homer Simpson’s wife):

Beer Cookbook: 101 Recipes With Beer

If you are like me, the one thing we always seem to have in our fridge is beer. Unless you are the adoption officials, which in that case, we never have a six pack of Stella Artois chilling but a drawer full of broccoli.

For the children in your life:

The Twits

I read this book when I was eight years old and it is still one of my favourites. This may explain a lot in regards to my sense of humour.

An Awesome Book

The title of this book is self-explanatory. Perhaps one of the best children’s books I have read as an adult and one I frequently hand out as gifts. All three of my children own their own copy.

For that hard to buy for person:

Zombie Haiku: Good Poetry For Your…Brains

Because Zombies and haiku all in one book? It gives a whole new meaning to AWESOME.

If you have read this entire post, you now have an insight to the types of gifts my loved ones often receive. Which will either make you worship me or pity them.

Either way, my work here is done.