Dear Tanis,

Hi. I’m not sure if you remember me, but this is your Face. The one that stares back at you in every mirror you pass. I thought I’d take the time to email you since you seem to spend more time in front of the computer than you do gazing at my reflection.

Just so you know, a little more mirror time would hurt anyone.

You may not have noticed, what with your shoddy grooming habits as of late, but currently your chin has erupted with a rather epic breakout of zit-tastic proportions.

As your Face, I’m a little concerned about this since I’m the one bearing this shame.

I was hoping you’d take care of this little problem yourself, but obviously, I was wrong.

For the record, you need to keep your damn hands away from your chin. They aren’t helpful and what with your proclivity for playing in the dirt (gardening Tanis? Really? Couldn’t you pick a cleaner hobby?) I’m not all that convinced your fingers are all that sanitary.

After all, I’ve seen what is going on under your arms.

Ahem.

Quit picking your zits. You’re not a pubescent 14 year old, you ought to know better.

Tanis, I want you to know I appreciate the general care and energy you’ve devoted to me, your Face. But I thought I’d point out, you aren’t getting any younger. I’m not really digging having matching pimples with your offspring. They can pull off that pimply look much better than you Tanis. On you it looks pathetic.

So buck up and do something about this. Something other than picking at me, your Face, because that’s not helping anybody.

While I’ve got your attention I’d like to point out your eyebrows are out of freaking control and are starting to resemble small hedges. No one likes hedges on a woman’s face Tanis. I know you have tweezers. Try using them. Or better yet, how about you take me to that beauty salon you used to frequent? I liked that place. They always treated me well.

And you have to do something about your chin. I don’t like the double chin you seemed to have acquired, but I could live with it. If it didn’t have those two long chin hairs. Seriously Tanis. Bead them or pluck them but for Gawd’s sake, stop pretending they don’t exist. Even your blind kid can see them. You aren’t fooling anyone.

You may want to examine the left side of your neck while you’ve got the tweezers in your hand too. I can’t confirm this, but I’ve heard rumours that your Neck has decided to plant a few long whiskers to add a little visual interest. Just so you know.

Since I’m being honest with you Tanis, I may as well tell you about the crow’s feet you are now sporting. Don’t get mad at me woman, you are the one who spent your younger years walking around with out any sunscreen or hats. You aren’t giving me much to work with. So do us both a favour and try to remember to protect our skin a bit better. You aren’t getting any younger and I’m working overtime over here just to keep the hair on your upper lip under control. I could use all the extra help you can spare.

Consider this your final warning Tanis.

More maintenance and less zit picking please. Or I’m going to have to go on strike after I let loose the dogs.

That’s right.

Adult Onset Acne. Wrinkles. LIVER SPOTS.

Oh ya. I totally would. I can play hard ball too, lady.

Sincerely,

Your Face.

P.S: A little lipstick wouldn’t kill you, Tanis.

*Speaking of faces, and beauty, take a look at my side bar and notice the apples. My beautiful friend (who never picks her zits or lets her nose hairs run amok) wrote a beautiful book. About beauty. And faces. You should check it out. It’s worth the click.*