I used to think being a parent was fairly easy. Sure the whole ‘there are living human beings dependent on me keeping them safe, healthy and alive’ thing could be a little overwhelming, especially when I was responsible for this task mostly myself, but for the most part, it wasn’t too hard to toss a handful of Cheerios at my hungry badgers and bark at them to look both ways before crossing the road.
Lately it seems the parenting stakes have raised and I’m completely unprepared for the new rules of this gig. Not only do I have to keep them safe and alive but now I’m responsible for keeping them out of the clink and out of the back seat of some bozo’s car so that I’m not saddled with raising babies that belong to my babies.
Now that my children are teens, more than ever I’m responsible for setting the example of responsible humanity. I’m supposed to be modeling wise choices because in a few years these kids of mine will be on their own with nothing but the memories of the examples I have set to keep them from wearing an ankle monitor or begging for food stamps to feed their illegitimate children.
Parenting has always been about setting a good example and modeling wise choices but in the earlier years that usually just meant explaining why we don’t stuff Lego pieces up our noses and why we put the milk jug back into the fridge so the milk won’t spoil.
Now that my kids are almost adults it means teaching them how to avoid the pitfalls of peer pressure and how to succeed in a world that will largely unappreciate them. The weight of this grown up blanket can smother the best intentions every parent has, because not only do I have to set these examples, but I have to explain them as well. I can’t just get away with telling them “Because I’m your Mother and I said so.”
I tried that but my children actually expect rational and logical thought processes to back up my reasoning.
This is what you get from spending over a decade of trying to teach them to think for themselves, dammit.
Not all of this is complicated as I tend to be a by the book, law-abiding citizen and my children happen to be quite intelligent (they get that from their father, thank heavens.) They model their behaviour after me and since I’m not a pill popping, booze swilling crack whore who has a predilection for grand theft auto or shoplifting, most of my work is fairly easy.
While I’m not (overly) worried about the obvious pitfalls of parenting, I am extremely concerned about the more subtle perils of ushering these children into adulthood.
More specifically, I’m worried about modeling social behaviours for my daughter as of late. Fric is a mini-me. Not only does she look like me, but she is a pint sized newer model of Tanis. It’s scary how similar our thought processes are and how our emotions run parallel to one another.
(Frac on the other hand is an entirely foreign beast, but that’s a post for another day.)
While Fric kicks academic arse, excels at athletics and has impeccable fashion sense (she so does not get that from her yoga pant, cowboy hat wearing mother), much like me she is having trouble with her peer group.
While a lot of her social woes stem purely from the joys of puberty and aren’t anything to be terribly concerned over, I wonder how much I’m to blame for her friendship woes. I haven’t exactly set the bar all that high in the area of modeling healthy friendship choices.
Female friendships have always been a beast I’ve never been able to tame, even from a young age. I’m not terribly shy but I’m not exactly gregarious either. I tend to hold my affection close to my heart and I’m slow to let people into my world. I’m a loner by choice, one who prefers one solid friend than a network of friendly acquaintances.
To complicate matters, I bear vicious scars on my heart from female friendships gone wrong, which makes me more hesitant to seek out my own set of girlfriends. While Fric may witness my many phone calls to my bff, she seldom sees me interact with females I’m not related to.
The one true friend of mine my daughter actually interacted with and loved herself combusted in a spectacular fashion several years ago for reasons I myself don’t understand or know and culminated in our family losing a child we were in the process of adopting when this woman knowingly filed a false allegation against me. The allegation was resolved, my name was cleared but the child was lost to our family.
It’s been extremely challenging to swallow my bitterness about this black hole in my life and not bash this woman my children loved. But when Fric and Frac demanded an explanation of why my friend did this to all of us, words have continued to fail me. How can I explain such a betrayal to my children, when years later I’m still in the dark myself?
Now that my daughter is facing her own unique set of friendship challenges she is looking at me to give her answers. The only real answer I have is women tend to be a bunch of feral b!tches and I’m fairly certain my husband would muzzle me forever if I ever breathed that out loud to my daughter.
Instead, I shrug my shoulders and give her permission to talk endlessly about her friendship woes to me in hopes that perhaps I can find clues to both our problems. So far, I’m still sticking with the feral b!tch theory.
Conversely, my husband and my son have had the same set of friends since the moment they could whip their pickles out and pee on the grass by themselves and they never seem to suffer from any of the backbiting that seems so inherent to females. Does having a penis make one oblivious to jealousy and insecurity? Or are boys just more laid back when it comes to their friends?
I don’t want Fric to suffer the same wounds I’ve experienced with other women and I don’t want to prejudice her with my spectacular history of friendship failures. I want her to be tolerant and accepting of all different type of personalities but how do I model that when for the most part I am standing in my yard, shaking my cane and yelling at everyone to get the hell off my lawn?
How do I teach her it’s okay to forgive others for their transgressions without teaching her to be a doormat, when I myself struggle with both issues?
I feel completely unprepared to teach my daughter these life lessons when I’m still learning them myself.
Its times like these I envy boys and their friendships. It would be much easier if I could just slap my friends on the back as we stood side by side, peeing in the bushes.
Ade
I agree with a lot of women who are saying to “tell her the truth about women.” It sucks to explain it, but I can remember being confused when girls would one day tell me that we were best friends, and then the next day turn on me. I thought it was because there was something wrong with me. I didn’t understand that girls are just that way. It would have been nice to hear the truth. Good Luck!
Tracee
I’ve learned over the years that women are their own worst enemies. It seems that every job I’ve ever had the only issues seemed to be between women. I have a handfull of female friends and prefer it that way. Most of these have been built due to having a kid. I have rules I follow when it comes to friendships with women…never ever compare our children, do not discuss politics, and do not go shopping together.
I relocated to the NE 10 years ago and it took me almost six years to meet a woman that I can call a friend and enjoy spending time with. Our kids are the same age and we are busy mommas. The time we get to spend together usually involves getting the kids together, but we enjoy each others company despite our political differences. Sadly, I’ve let my long-time friendships diminish since my move to the NE, but we seem to be able to pick up where we left off when we go back “home” for a visit.
I refuse to work with a gaggle of women. I was a military contractor and the biggest bonus of that job was all the men. I was the only woman in the Armory. Best job I ever had. No back-biting and sniping. Yes, I had to endure stinky men, but I’d take that over working with females anyday.
Mama Kat
Seeeee…because I actually a pill popping, booze swilling crack whore who has a predilection for grand theft auto or shoplifting…crap…what does this mean for our future!?!?!
GamerGirl
Girls and women ARE a bunch of Feral Bitches. It’s the truth. Women do not play well together. Women might have a few close friends but those relationships will still have drama. Nothing to do about it but be yourself, be honest and apologize when you know you are wrong.
Carol
I wish I had words of wisdom for you. However, since my daughter is turning 13 in October and having to deal with all sorts of drama from her friends, I don’t have any. We are struggling with how to deal with it, too. Keep your daughter talking. And as long as she realizes that she doesn’t have to please anyone but stay true to herself, she will turn out just fine. Good luck.
Trista
Initially I agreed with the ‘feral bitches’ assessment, but I also think that this undercuts our ability as women to deal farily with each other. We’re not all underhanded, backstabbing, inconstant cows (just some of us), and throwing up our hands and saying “what can you do? Chicks are bitches” doesn’t really help. I think boys do have it easier socially, or at least it always seemed that way to my teenage self, but I hope that I can raise my daughter to nagivate through the games without compromising too much of herself or getting hurt. And I hope that if she does encounter a hurtful situation, she will know (thanks to her parents influence, of course) how to deal with it while realizing that not ALL girls will treat her that way. I also want to encourage her to foster strong relationships with other girls who are nice to her – my best friends are women, and I’d trust them with my life. Actually, I’d trust them with my kid’s life. I’d say that it takes some maturity to achieve relationships like that, but I’ve known some of these amazing women since my teens. The hurtful cows? I can’t even remember their names.
That being said, I know the struggle not to be a doormat to other women all too well (although not as a result of my friendships), and I can’t help but want to throttle little girls who aren’t nice to my kid. So maybe the rational side of me is going to get a nice wake-up kick in the teeth once my kid hits grade school, and I’ll be the one throwing my hands in the air.
schmutzie
If you figure it out, I’d love to know.
I’ve recently had my life affected by female infighting, and it makes me feel heartbroken and a little sick that this goes on even in my thirties.
Melanie
Ouch! My poor girls have always had best friends who happen to be boys. They have inherited my distaste and lack of tolerance for chickish behavior. There’s enough drama in life, why create it?!
High school girls are crazy mean, scary mean, horrible mean. It’s that weird competitiveness I think that makes them so ruthless.
My big girls survived by having awesome friend boys and having hobbies that weren’t dependent upon relationships.
As if I’ve got it all figured out! My 20 and 17 year olds are pretty anti-social and not very drama filled, but hey, I really enjoy hanging out with them!!
AZ
I have feral bitch radar, I’ve had it since I was a child. My female friends are few, but the ones I have I’ve had for many many years, and I trust them implicitly. My sister put it best, she says you can take all my female friends and put them in a flour sack, shake it up, and when you dump them out you can’t tell one from the other, but they are all down-to-earth and true to their word, non-gossiping, and funny (gotta be funny); I won’t befriend anything else.
Erin Woods
I’m the same way with female friends. I have plenty of male friends, they are so easy to get along with. But when it comes to females, I have only a handful I trust or care to spend time with. My 14-year-old daughter seems to have problems finding good friends as well. Either they are backstabbers or their parents let them drink at age 11. (I shit you not.) She’s finding out the hard way that most of the girls in her class are just what you said, feral bitches. I have a feeling you are going to do just fine. It’s already evident that your children are intelligent people and they will learn as they go, just as we continue to do. Don’t worry so much. You’ve done what you can and the rest will fall into place.
Issa
I have no answers. It starts dam early though. My kindergartner tells me the craziest stories every day. Of course she plays with the boys.
CC
Okay, that does it… I’m just going to figure out how to “banzai” my 6 yr old and keep her from growing into a tween/teen.
Chibi Jeebs
If you figure it out, PLEASE share. I have ONE good, close, trusted female friend: at the end of next month, she’ll be abandoning me to move to your province.
I’ve always gotten along better with males, ever since I started kindergarten. Being burned by all the so-called “best” female friends in my life has left me jaded, cynical, and suspicious. Making new female friends? Ha! Yeah, right. *sigh*
Jiltedjill
How very interesting this is your blog post and I am reading it today. At 40 I just received the following from someone who I have known for 30 years and thought would be a life long friend… out of the blue, albiet we moved apart years ago and being in touch has been a challenge…
“I heard that you had left a phone message about wanting to come to our place to visit. No, our place is not available. We are only having a few people over this summer. Frankly, I was quite surprised to hear that you had called. As far as I’m concerned I consider our relationship over. You know “we’ve broken up”. We haven’t spoken to each other in over a year and a half and I can’t say that we’ve really had any depth to our conversations for the last few years. We really just don’t have that much in common anymore. And that’s OK. Life moves on.”
I recognize that I am somehow deeply implied in this however completely clueless about how we got to this point I am. But holy crap. Grow a pair and dump me on the phone, woman!
Thanks for creating a place to share this type of heartbreak. This is also something I will have to break to my kids who consider these people friends. I hope womenkind can continue to evolve.
Anita Turner
I totally agree with you, females are feral. And it starts at an early age – I could not believe some of the situations that happened between the girls in preschool. Unfortunately, my girls are at an age where boys tend to play with boys, and it’s difficult for them to make friends with girls, especially since I do not allow them to follow all the teen music and shows that so many young girls listen to and watch. Fortunately they attend a school that requires a school uniform, so we do not have the fashion issues, yet. Good luck! I am not looking forward to the teen years.
Kelly
I have two fairly close female friends. Generally, I get along really well with my husband’s friends. It’s easier. Although what they like to do, admittedly, is hang in basements and get stoned, so obviously there isn’t a high bar of expectation to be reached there. But they’re also vulgar and have wicked senses of humor, and I enjoy that. It’s my thing, whereas most women I’ve met tend to not like people using the f-word. Which is their loss, because it’s an effin great word.
Brahm (alfred lives here)
Friendship as adults is tough, is navigating all new waters.
Over the last couple of years, my best friend and I have both gotten married, which has complicated the waters even more. Yes there are two great new people in the mix, how does that impact talking on the phone, getting together, etc? Still figuring it out…
Kristen
There’s a reason I’ve always been a “tom-boy”. Boys are easier. They accept the bullsh!t and move on for the most part. They’ll laugh at you when you do something dumb, but they will fight to the death for me if I need them to. I love all my boys.
Girls are the sticking point for me. I have several friends that are awesome, but we’re Mom’s in our mid-30′s. That means we all (mostly) have little ones, husbands, etc and are trying to do our best getting them through life. Doesn’t leave a lot of time for the girls to get together.
Example…I can invite my dude friends over for a BBQ. They throw the kids in the car and come over. A lady would need to coordinate with her husband, bathe the kids, make sure she had a dish to pass, etc. Suddenly an impromtu BBQ turned into something much more complicated (I’m just as guilty of it).
And my husband is pushing me to hang out with more ladies (apparently discussing various bedroom type things with the guys is strange to him, coming from his wife
Mrs. Scnmitty
I think the feral b!tch theory is right on. I too have deep wounds from women who I thought were my friends. This is why I always preferred being around men. I can’t deal with the female drama. I am sure Fric will be ok her mama seems to be doing a great job!
Heather - Notes From Lapland
Women always come with such drama don’t they? I’m not looking forward to this part of bringing up my daughter, having to deal with her hurt over nastiness.