Dear Internets,
Please excuse Tanis the Redneck Mommy from her absence on the ole intertubes. She has recently been struck down with some sort of virus that is slowly causing her brains to seep out her nostrils. She’s hoping to staunch the loss of brain power by stuffing kleenex and crumpled toilet paper up her nose but so far her efforts are proving fruitless.
While her presence may not be felt on computer screens through out the world, her mucous particles are traveling far and wide with each sneeze which escapes her sickly body.
Despite the toxic nature of the plague she has contracted, she is surviving. Barely. Her children occasionally prod her into consciousness to ensure she is still alive and to force her to feed them. They are thoughtful like that. She is amusing herself by occasionally pulling her head off her pillow to hack into her children’s facebook account and leave embarrassing status updates on their profile page. Her children are threatening to hide her laptop from her if she persists in telling the world how cute their tushies are and how their mother’s love makes them feel as though they are shooting rainbow beams out their bums.
Posting will resume once the snot subsides and she can once again hold her head upright without it threatening to fall off and roll down her pathetically long driveway.
She thanks you all for your continued support and asks that you give thanks for the two ply tissue with lotion now widely available in the supermarkets.
Signed,
The Management.
Kelley @ Magnetoboldtoo
use toilet paper. Softer and lasts longer.
MWAH
Laura
Get well soon. Don’t let the children feed you anything, no matter what they claim it is.
Zoeyjane
Dear Management,
Please inform Tanis that the post-nasal drip of a debaucherous weekend with an 8-ball can be staunched via abstinence from said 8-ball, or failing that, with ear plugs.
I’ve heard.
Funnily, I was also positive that Tanis was not into such tricks, but if Management should believe it to be so, please help a girl out.
PS. The ear plus should be bell-shaped and smooth, and are meant to go in each nostril, not the ear, as one might think.
*smooch*
LeSombre
So… the Management can issue doctor’s notes now?
I know, I know; you’re really really sick and can’t be bothered to care for my OCD tendencies.
Get well soon!
Dr. LeSombre (not a real doctor)
Avitable
Pfft. Pussy.
JFS in IL
You need my dad’s sure-fire remedy for such an ailment – a hot toddy with a hefty shot of scotch in it! Or rum. Just lots of hot water, lemon juice, brown sugar and booze!!! My dad figures, if it doesn’t sure ya’ you won’t much care.
becca112971
get well soon
Megan
Hmm. Someone should invent some kind of nasal tampon. I think it could be the golden ticket.
Kim
I miss you. I missed you at Blogher. I missed you and your nipple rings. Sorry you are ill love. I wish I was closer to help you out in your time of brain oozing. xoxo
Teresa in Ontario
Get well soon Tanis. As a person who often falls under the weight of just such disease, leaving you to wish one could send your nose and sinuses out for repair as they feel like they may slide off your face at any moment any way. I can attest Puffs with lotion or better yet Puffs with lotion and Vicks are heavenly. Also the secret behind not looking like someone has taken a belt sander to your upper lip is to slather the area with Chapstick, I prefer a minty one cause it smells nice.
Keep up the good work of harassing the young ones when ever you can, and feel better soon.
Pinky
I am SO glad I am not the only one who shoves tissues up their nose when the plague descends! Hope you feel better soon, Tanis!
Hannah Hardin-Pratt
I hope you feel better soon!
Muskrat
Nasty. I’ll bet you caught something when you flew to Chicago. You know how Chicagoans are.
karen
I love you. Even you ‘i’m sick’ post rule. I hope you get better soon even though that is the cliche saying. hell, i hope you see some mind altering things.
Old School/New School Mom
Sorry your sick! In other news, I can’t wait until Ari is old enough that he HAS a Facebook account to hack into. I will embarrass the crap out of him.
Gab Cody
As the mother of a three-year-old – I know about those contagious viruses. Heck, sometimes motherhood is contagious.
I thought you might enjoy this short movie my husband and I made about that topic. MOMBIES and non-MOMBIES alike will enjoy!!
Good luck for a speedy recovery,
Gab Cody
MOMBIES (Short movie)
The tale of two women fleeing from the zombie-like pursuit of motherhood. It has screened as an official selection at five festivals, including the San Francisco Independent FF, the Cleveland International FF, and the 11/20 FF in Vienna, Austria. It has also aired on WQED-TV.
Here’s the youtube link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sb6O3a4v8Bc