Dear Internets,

Please excuse Tanis the Redneck Mommy from her absence on the ole intertubes. She has recently been struck down with some sort of virus that is slowly causing her brains to seep out her nostrils. She’s hoping to staunch the loss of brain power by stuffing kleenex and crumpled toilet paper up her nose but so far her efforts are proving fruitless.

While her presence may not be felt on computer screens through out the world, her mucous particles are traveling far and wide with each sneeze which escapes her sickly body.

Despite the toxic nature of the plague she has contracted, she is surviving. Barely. Her children occasionally prod her into consciousness to ensure she is still alive and to force her to feed them. They are thoughtful like that. She is amusing herself by occasionally pulling her head off her pillow to hack into her children’s facebook account and leave embarrassing status updates on their profile page. Her children are threatening to hide her laptop from her if she persists in telling the world how cute their tushies are and how their mother’s love makes them feel as though they are shooting rainbow beams out their bums.

Posting will resume once the snot subsides and she can once again hold her head upright without it threatening to fall off and roll down her pathetically long driveway.

She thanks you all for your continued support and asks that you give thanks for the two ply tissue with lotion now widely available in the supermarkets.

Signed,

The Management.